Day Twenty-three..Best Dr. Visit EVER

OK, today started off pretty decent.  Last day he's here, so that's kind of a stress-relief that's playing out right now.  Did a load of laundry.  Straightened up around the house.  Fourth day in a row I haven't felt "hungry" so I forced about half a bowl of cereal down and then remembered I had an appointment at the VA. 'Great.' I thought.  Typically that means an all-day adventure of hurry-up-and-wait.  So I begrudgingly took a shower and started the drive over...and I had  a strange thought while driving...

Blow it off. Don't go to the appointment.  Say what? I said to myself.  You don't just "blow off" appointments.  Why would you want to blow off this appointment?  So you can go and walk around by yourself....go walk on the beach, get a latte, just forget it.  [Truth be told, I was creeping me out a bit at that point.]  Since I had left the house very early in case of traffic that didn't exist, I did run to Starbucks and get a soy latte.  Wasted all of seven minutes.  OK, what now?  Where do you want to go?  Buckroe Beach is close...and then I stopped myself.  Why did my subconscious feel that I wasn't worth a medical check-up?  How dare my inner psyche withhold medical care from me?  I am a priority, too!  I don't miss the kids' checkups, why would I miss my own?

I had seriously, in the rearview of my car on a side street in Hampton, come face to face with my ridiculously crappy self esteem.  I made an unnecessarily large gesture of turning on the left signal, indicating to all who were watching or caring, that I was, indeed, going to the VA Medical Center.  And I did. And it was one of the greatest medical experiences of my life.

This is where it gets intense...you can check out now...if, you know, you're a dude, or you just don't want to know.

All women have to get PAPs, once a year, mandatory.  Well I had already skipped a year, last year (part of that "I'm not worth the time" mentality I had just battled in the car), so I would then be another year overdue if I skipped this appointment.  Truth be told, I hate PAPs.  As a molestation survivor, I absolutely detest them.  They leave me feeling dirty and gross and violated and I absolutely, positively hate them.  Plus, it always seems that I get the male doctor even when I have specifically requested otherwise (and told them why), and when I see a man coming at me with a speculum I tighten up like a clam and it ends up being very, very painful. 

Today....checked in ten minutes early, was taken back almost immediately (a real rare experience in the VA hospital).  Had an awesome nurse weigh me, look at my chart, exclaim, "Congratulations!" about my weight loss since my last visit, then had another passing nurse stop, look at my chart, say the same and high-five me.  Yeah.  That happened.  In the big, bad government-run hospital.  Waited maybe another seven, eight minutes after vitals and then met my female doctor. Yes!  Finally!  She immediately began chatting with me about my non-profit work, my upcoming move, my weight loss (which she also enthusiastically congratulated me on), and, for the first time in my whole life, I had an open conversation with a doctor about my personal well-being (in the gyno-sense).  Not that anything's going on, but it was refreshing to finally not feel oppressed, scared, or embarrassed at the GYN's office!  Thirty years old, and finally had a gyno visit I could deal with!

The exam was very quick, concise, and comfortable...again, first time ever.  She had actually taken the time to read on my chart before coming in the room that I am adopted, and so perhaps she assumed the truth/worst about most adoptees/foster care survivors and that's why she was so quick and chatty...or maybe she's just an awesome doctor.  Or maybe, just maybe, I came into that office today with a greater sense of self-worth than I have ever had and so felt that I deserved a thorough check-up and conversation.  Probably a combination of all of the above.

It's becoming so very crystal clear to me now...with eating better, taking care of myself, realizing my own value, having distance and clarity in aspects of how I've been oppressed, devalued, and taken for granted. (You scoff..."oppressed? yeah right..." Yes.  When a husband calls his wife a "slut" because she had sex before she met him, that's oppression.  When a husband refuses to pick up his own dirty clothes from the floor or wash his own dirty dishes and then tells his wife, "That's your job..you're the woman.  Men don't do that," that's oppression.  I won't go on....I hope that if you are reading my blog in the first place, you aren't the type to scoff at my word choice to describe my own experiences.)   I've also allowed these feelings to force me make poor decisions...take horrible care of myself, ignore glaring signals of danger, mentally inhibit myself into failing at certain projects and undertaking because of this inner running monologue of "you can't do this...you're not this talented...you're going to fail...you're going to look stupid....".  Well, shut up inner monologue.   This bitch is back, and back better than ever and ready to tackle it all.  There have been very few moments in my life where I have felt this sparkling clarity, this "the world is my oyster" ethereal lightness, and I am savoring it with my whole heart and my whole body and my whole mind.  If I can provide for my children a future in which they constantly feel the way I feel right now, I feel that I will be a complete and utter success as a parent.

I just ate a BLT, and now I'm going for a bike ride.  This has been a day of awesomeness, and thank you for sharing in it in this way...please comment, share, and join in my journey!