Day Seventeen...Getting My Head Right...

Today has been such an annoying day, and I really only have myself to blame.  So tremendously hot, so very little got done around the house as far as packing...just basic maintenance, cooking, and laundry.  So I had too much time to think, remember, ruminate, and it wasn't very pretty.

First of all, had a Facebook brush with a former friend that reignited a lot of angry, bad feelings about that whole set of friends.  I have tried to avoid all contact in order to avoid feelings like these, but my settings are still set to "friends of friends", and since we do still have a couple of mutual friends, sometimes their "stuff" flits across my news feed, completely uninvited.

Two years ago, when Logan and I separated the first time, I was devastated and it was a lot more unexpected for me and with a lot more hurtful things going on between us.  At the time, I relied heavily on my friends and told them everything, which, of course, they used as ammo later on towards Logan.  They all helped me move into a little rental house and were very supportive for the first few months...and then, when it became apparent that I a) wasn't going to refuse Logan access to his kids or make his life a living hell and b) we were working on our relationship together, including positive co-parenting, they all started to get huffy and grew distant.  One in particular, my "best friend" of three years, moved to Spain when her husband was stationed there, and, at the same time, I began my first job in two years (after being a stay-at-home mom).  Due to the time difference, when she would call me to chat, I was at work and couldn't answer, and when I tried to call her back, it was past dinnertime in Spain and she was getting her kids in bed and going to bed herself.  Next thing I knew, I was deleted from her friends list on Facebook, after a nasty post about "Never know who your friends are until you move."  I was horrified, shocked, and extremely hurt.  Just because I couldn't gab on the phone with her I was cut off??  I suspected it was more than that, and more about giving my marriage another try, letting Logan be a big part of the kids' lives, and her feeling upset about that in some way (??).

Shortly after, many of our mutual friends went the same way...stopped speaking to me, had nothing but negative things to say about Logan, and finally all contact dwindled off and I was deleted from all their friends lists.  I caught snippets of negative conversations either vaguely referring to me or blatantly talking about me, and I tried really hard to get past it.

Yes, I did give my husband and my marriage another chance.  Yes, it was extraordinarily hard.  Yes, I did not take the advice of some of my friends.  Yes, I acknowledge all of this, and I also acknowledge that they were my decisions to make about my life and the life of my kids, not theirs.  Mind you, I knew tons of dirty dirt on their relationships and I didn't judge them for staying together or handling their marriage in their own way.  It was a slap in the face that they all felt that they could dictate my life and would turn their backs if I didn't heed their advice.

So I had pretty much gotten past all of that....like I said, it still comes up when I see one of their names or faces flicker by in the web stream, but I can usually brush it off.  But recently, there's been a lot of that going around....friends, well, so-called "friends" looking at my situation from the outside in and judging what I'm doing, judging how I've handled everything over the past few months, and I've gotten completely and utterly shunned and ignored by...oh, I'd say 90% of the people I've met and called "friends" in Hampton  Roads.

I have never been a "woe is me" person who constantly begs for "prayer requests" in an attempt to garner interest/sympathy/attention to my issues.  Maybe I do need to learn to do that and to be more vocal about what I'm going through, but it's never been something I'm comfortable with.  But to all of you "better than thous" who have passed through my life recently, here's the skinny:

My husband has a disability rating of over 50% from the VA for his mental issues.  He was on three deployments, back to back, and had an extraordinarily difficult time coping with it.  He's gone through phases of being silent, passive aggressive, blatantly aggressive, and borderline philandering.  He is a good person who has got to figure out how to deal with his crap, bottom line. I've chosen to exit that cycle and I hope he can continue figuring it out.  He's still going to be a big part of my life...DUH, he's my children's FATHER. 

My husband's mother is a functioning alcoholic who is bipolar and manic depressive.  She is on Social Security but her money frequently runs out before the end of the month and has had to rely on us.  She's also had months where she spent all her money and didn't pay her rent and/or bills, so we had to cover them...to the tune of probably over ten thousand dollars in the past couple of years.  She can also be a good person, but has been accustomed to others taking care of her and bailing her out, so that's where she has become comfortable and now expects such treatment.  During each one of Logan's deployments, I was alone with three kids and had to care for his mother.  Similarly, I frequently had to deal with her even if he was home and couldn't do it.

Logan has been unemployed for the past year.  We're living on less than one-third the budget we were two years ago.  If it weren't for having our cars paid off and owning them outright, we may have had to declare bankruptcy.  If I didn't make it to some party or fundraiser or gathering, it's because (a) I literally didn't have gas money to get there or (b) I didn't have childcare or (c) I didn't have a dime to spare...I obviously can't go to dinner or an event if I can't even purchase a soda while there.  If you couldn't understand that, or you took it personally, or you assumed I was a "flake" without asking me what was going on, then that's your fault.  I'm not going to broadcast such personal details in public, and if you're that concerned about me not being present, maybe you should have asked instead of assuming.

My first husband died in a car wreck and his family got visitation rights with Grayson.  I place that visitation schedule above all else...if it comes down to me taking my son to his visitation with his grandparents or to some event, I'm going the family route.  Again, if you can't comprehend that, that's your problem.

There have been many times that for weeks, sometimes months on end, I was the only caregiver for my children.  We've had two horrific experiences with childcare in Hampton Roads....one in which, upon arriving to pick the kids up, Grayson had a bloody nose and the creeps had cut a portion of Callie's hair and tried to hide and keep her baby blanket (??).  And yes, police were called and charges pressed.  The other seemed to be going fine at first, but the Callie confided that the babysitter was kicking her when she wouldn't go potty on "schedule" and forcing them to sit, eat, and sleep on the floor and not allowing her to touch her furniture. Again, officials were called and an investigation conducted which resulted in this woman revoking any rights to care for children.  These were both women who came highly referred, so it wasn't just a random stranger.  So obviously, after those incidents, I stopped allowing others to care for my children except my personal friends...and that was quite frequently, obviously, a scheduling nightmare.  It ultimately boiled down to only Logan and I watching the kids.


So, now that I've put all that out there, EXCUSE ME if somehow I didn't live up to YOUR expectation of being Superwoman or your personal errand girl.  Excuse me if I've had to put off other obligations to care for my family.  And excuse me that while you're dining at one of the most expensive restaurants in this area and talking down about me and others like me, we're sitting at home eating eggs for dinner and convincing the kids it's "fun!" to have breakfast for dinner, and not just because we don't have anything else until we get paid the next day.  I contributed hundreds of hours in volunteer service to this community, and at the end of the day, when I have got to move closer to my family and get some sanity back in my life, less than a dozen people are truly there for me??  Thanks a lot.

I've learned valuable lessons, and no, I'm not going to stop volunteering or helping others.  I'm not going to stop having close personal friendships because some of them have ended badly.  But what I do in the future will be done for me.  I volunteer because it makes me feel complete.  I make friends because it makes me happy to see others smile.  Hopefully the fine folks of South Carolina will be more accepting and more understanding of a family-centric lifestyle than people here in Hampton Roads.   I'll keep doing the work I do: that will never stop.  But I will most definitely hold my emotions in check and refrain from getting too emotionally invested in a group, in a community, that is quick to discard those who have done their best, in their own personal circumstances.