Today is the day that I let all of the walls fall down.
Today is the day that I shout it out loud.
Today is the day that I make my voice heard.
Today is the day...that I say the word....
Love.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
the moment it all changed...
I've hesitated and stopped and restarted this blog entry several times over the past 24 hours, in part because I [think I] know how people will react and partly because I am having trouble finding the words. Words that aren't cliche and trite. Words that fit.
A few months ago I wrote about the moment I met my first love...the "lightning strike"...and wrote that I didn't think that would happen twice in a lifetime. My friend Katherine commented that she thought it could; that people go through stages in their lives and sometimes you have one love that travels with you during all those stages and sometimes you find a new love to travel with you...something to that effect. I pondered her words and thought, "Perhaps for others...". I had utterly given up hope of finding someone to fit my weird, broken, misshapen little heart.
When I was looking elsewhere and laughing with friends, sitting on a couch in Columbia listening to indie music playing live upstairs, I got a message that I didn't open...I flipped through and mentally bookmarked it for later. I drank another beer and told jokes with Jennifer but was taking note that pretty much every person at this party was with a partner of some sort...so I drank another beer to silence that internal observer and fell asleep pretty hard not thinking about it. I've gotten pretty used to being the third/fifth/seventh/ninth wheel.
I spent the next day driving around Columbia and ending up at the park Lee took me to, the one with crashing waterfalls overlooking the city. I sat on a bench next to my car illegally parked on the street but I couldn't feel him there anymore. I scuffed my shoes on the metal fence while I tried to conjure the face he made when he told a bad joke and had just ruined the punch line. I couldn't quite get it back so my heart ached a little bit and I left.
After another emotional drive home, I lay down in my bed and started flipping through messages on my cell phone. Texts, emails, Facebook messages, and finally, the eHarmony inbox I had been avoiding.
"What is the air velocity of an unladen swallow?"
What?? What kind of question...wait...what movie was that from? Was this a test? Or a joke? I struggled to remember and my friend Kyle flashed in my head, which meant I had probably seen this movie for the first time with him which meant it was either a Monty Python or Mel Brooks flick, so....think, think....."African or European..." I laughed to myself as the answer popped in my head and I wrote back to this mystery guy on eHarmony, SWM in "Simpsonville"..."where is that? G_o_o_g_l_e__m_a_p_s....how far away is that?" and sent my message back, answering his other questions and smiling, the one that spread from my mind to my lips.
I can't say I didn't check my phone quite a few times to see if this guy wrote back, the guy with the big smile and paragraphs-long profile details...
...he did. Write back. And then I did. And then he did. And then I did. Et cetera. And then I walked into a little yellow coffeehouse and lightning struck twice.
It is completely random and unplanned and utterly crazy...I know it, so I'm being cautious. Of course the distance between us only helps in that aspect. But the second I walked back into my house after being with him and feeling so empty, I instantly wished he was there. When I spoke to him on the phone later, he said the exact same thing.
His eyes tell a story I can't wait to read. His laugh makes me glow inside, and my breath catches when I see him watching me. We are so in tune we seem to resonate and sentences are finished or understood. He is the very essence of second chances all wrapped up in a beautiful package.
I warned him I live out my life on this blog, so he's prepared...I hope my readers are. It's going to be quite a journey; the stuff of legend, I'm sure of it. My heart hasn't leapt from my chest in this way in a decade....let's enjoy the ride.
A few months ago I wrote about the moment I met my first love...the "lightning strike"...and wrote that I didn't think that would happen twice in a lifetime. My friend Katherine commented that she thought it could; that people go through stages in their lives and sometimes you have one love that travels with you during all those stages and sometimes you find a new love to travel with you...something to that effect. I pondered her words and thought, "Perhaps for others...". I had utterly given up hope of finding someone to fit my weird, broken, misshapen little heart.
When I was looking elsewhere and laughing with friends, sitting on a couch in Columbia listening to indie music playing live upstairs, I got a message that I didn't open...I flipped through and mentally bookmarked it for later. I drank another beer and told jokes with Jennifer but was taking note that pretty much every person at this party was with a partner of some sort...so I drank another beer to silence that internal observer and fell asleep pretty hard not thinking about it. I've gotten pretty used to being the third/fifth/seventh/ninth wheel.
I spent the next day driving around Columbia and ending up at the park Lee took me to, the one with crashing waterfalls overlooking the city. I sat on a bench next to my car illegally parked on the street but I couldn't feel him there anymore. I scuffed my shoes on the metal fence while I tried to conjure the face he made when he told a bad joke and had just ruined the punch line. I couldn't quite get it back so my heart ached a little bit and I left.
After another emotional drive home, I lay down in my bed and started flipping through messages on my cell phone. Texts, emails, Facebook messages, and finally, the eHarmony inbox I had been avoiding.
"What is the air velocity of an unladen swallow?"
What?? What kind of question...wait...what movie was that from? Was this a test? Or a joke? I struggled to remember and my friend Kyle flashed in my head, which meant I had probably seen this movie for the first time with him which meant it was either a Monty Python or Mel Brooks flick, so....think, think....."African or European..." I laughed to myself as the answer popped in my head and I wrote back to this mystery guy on eHarmony, SWM in "Simpsonville"..."where is that? G_o_o_g_l_e__m_a_p_s....how far away is that?" and sent my message back, answering his other questions and smiling, the one that spread from my mind to my lips.
I can't say I didn't check my phone quite a few times to see if this guy wrote back, the guy with the big smile and paragraphs-long profile details...
...he did. Write back. And then I did. And then he did. And then I did. Et cetera. And then I walked into a little yellow coffeehouse and lightning struck twice.
It is completely random and unplanned and utterly crazy...I know it, so I'm being cautious. Of course the distance between us only helps in that aspect. But the second I walked back into my house after being with him and feeling so empty, I instantly wished he was there. When I spoke to him on the phone later, he said the exact same thing.
His eyes tell a story I can't wait to read. His laugh makes me glow inside, and my breath catches when I see him watching me. We are so in tune we seem to resonate and sentences are finished or understood. He is the very essence of second chances all wrapped up in a beautiful package.
I warned him I live out my life on this blog, so he's prepared...I hope my readers are. It's going to be quite a journey; the stuff of legend, I'm sure of it. My heart hasn't leapt from my chest in this way in a decade....let's enjoy the ride.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Some good quick reads...
A little light reading for anyone relaxing on this unseasonably cool Saturday, enjoying some coffee...
I've had these links open in tabs for a few days and decided to just share all at once...I'm not saying I totally agree with all the content, but they were certainly thought-provoking and interesting as they came across my screen this week:
http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/night-owls-creative-intelligent/686025/
http://www.tabletmag.com/jewish-news-and-politics/180382/students-justice-palestine#undefined
http://themindunleashed.org/2014/07/10-painfully-obvious-truths-everyone-forgets-soon.html
http://ifunny.mobi/i/9uU44Qq92
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/feel-purposeless-fear-youre-wasting-time/
http://thinkprogress.org/justice/2014/02/26/3333161/religious-liberty-racist-anti-gay/
I've had these links open in tabs for a few days and decided to just share all at once...I'm not saying I totally agree with all the content, but they were certainly thought-provoking and interesting as they came across my screen this week:
http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/night-owls-creative-intelligent/686025/
http://www.tabletmag.com/jewish-news-and-politics/180382/students-justice-palestine#undefined
http://themindunleashed.org/2014/07/10-painfully-obvious-truths-everyone-forgets-soon.html
http://ifunny.mobi/i/9uU44Qq92
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/feel-purposeless-fear-youre-wasting-time/
http://thinkprogress.org/justice/2014/02/26/3333161/religious-liberty-racist-anti-gay/
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)