So today...not much got accomplished. It was over a hundred degrees here, so the kids and I hunkered down in the one room of our house that has working A/C. I ventured across the hall to pack up the rest of the books on the bookcase and did two loads of laundry (which is all the laundry, including towels and sheets, that we have left unpacked in the house) before scurrying back to the coolness of the A/C room. The kids were kind of going stir crazy until we started looking for all the online games we could find, so that occupied them most of the day.
Tomorrow will be a doozy...my car still won't start so now I'm getting to the end of the groceries and stuck at home with no way to the store, so I struck out on Facebook trying to find a ride to Advance Auto to either get my battery charged or buy a new one. Everyone's either working or out of town, so it was one of those tense moments, one of many lately....until a friend came through for me (thank you Chris!).
But on the flip side, the owner of the condo has replied and some friends of mine are going to go to the showing for me (so if I don't like it, I can blame them...LOL). I've already seen pictures of each room, but they're just going to make sure there's not something I haven't seen. After that, I'll be getting it locked in so I can at least have that concern out of the way and I can schedule the move, call and get all the utilities turned over to my name, reserve a U-haul, and mentally prepare myself for leaving Hampton Roads (which I've tried to do already, but it's been hard).
So today was heat, headaches, and hassles, but it's another day down, so I can keep on plugging and moving forward. Looking forward to a break in these crazy temperatures!
Friday, June 29, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Day Eight...Sand & Swimming
Wow, today was one of those days that is going to make it so hard to leave this area! A big, beautiful beach that's a true "local's spot", so no tourists....a hundred-yard stretch of beach all to ourselves, watching sleek white sailboats glide from the marina on the glittering water.....it was breathtakingly beautiful. And we're leaving it.
It's still hard to wrap my head around, as I was thinking while on my knees, packing sand in a bucket for another tier on the sand castle. The kids were shrieking in the water, which was mid-tide so you could walk out almost to the end of the nearest pilings and still be just over knee-high with nearly no waves...a perfect, calm swimming spot for young kids. If you walked out and then stood still and let the sand settle, you could look down and see the Chesapeake Bay crabs emerge as if by magic from the floor and scuttle sideways away from your toes, dodging under wayward drifts of seaweed for cover. The kids' skin is becoming golden and their hair a glowing blonde from the days in the sun.
Regardless, I'm still looking forward to being close to friends and family, even if it's two hours away from the nearest beach. It will be a relief to have the kids in a good school without having to fork over thousands of dollars for private education. It will be a HUGE relief to have help picking the kids up from school and not having to freak out about juggling work and their school schedules. Swapping a great view and easy access to the beach for lasting peace of mind is most definitely a worthwhile trade.
Speaking of peace of mind, Logan and I had a good conversation today...we're on the same page and looking to work everything out in a way that's best for the kids. So no arguing, no court battles, we're finalizing our agreement and wishing each other well in our parting paths. It's a very reassuring feeling....much better than being bitter enemies.
Tomorrow it's back to the grind with packing up books, carrying bookcases downstairs to clear off the carpet for steam cleaning, and scrubbing crayon off the walls in the family room (the kids, not me...I didn't write on the walls). Snuggling in for a good night's sleep to prepare to work in the heat tomorrow!
It's still hard to wrap my head around, as I was thinking while on my knees, packing sand in a bucket for another tier on the sand castle. The kids were shrieking in the water, which was mid-tide so you could walk out almost to the end of the nearest pilings and still be just over knee-high with nearly no waves...a perfect, calm swimming spot for young kids. If you walked out and then stood still and let the sand settle, you could look down and see the Chesapeake Bay crabs emerge as if by magic from the floor and scuttle sideways away from your toes, dodging under wayward drifts of seaweed for cover. The kids' skin is becoming golden and their hair a glowing blonde from the days in the sun.
Regardless, I'm still looking forward to being close to friends and family, even if it's two hours away from the nearest beach. It will be a relief to have the kids in a good school without having to fork over thousands of dollars for private education. It will be a HUGE relief to have help picking the kids up from school and not having to freak out about juggling work and their school schedules. Swapping a great view and easy access to the beach for lasting peace of mind is most definitely a worthwhile trade.
Speaking of peace of mind, Logan and I had a good conversation today...we're on the same page and looking to work everything out in a way that's best for the kids. So no arguing, no court battles, we're finalizing our agreement and wishing each other well in our parting paths. It's a very reassuring feeling....much better than being bitter enemies.
Tomorrow it's back to the grind with packing up books, carrying bookcases downstairs to clear off the carpet for steam cleaning, and scrubbing crayon off the walls in the family room (the kids, not me...I didn't write on the walls). Snuggling in for a good night's sleep to prepare to work in the heat tomorrow!
Day Seven....Clothing Sizes & Pimento Cheese Jalapeno Burger...
So today I mostly spent packing my room, first the books and then the clothes. I tried to keep a positive attitude as I packed ALL the clothes (even those that are currently a size too small). I know I'll lose the weight- I've lost another three pounds, but I'm not really tracking what I'm eating as well as I should right now.
Aaaand to sound like a total hypocrite, I had the best ever pimento-cheese & jalapeno burger for dinner with my beautiful, sweet, funny friend Jennifer. She cheered me up immensely and actually made my cheeks hurt from laughing so much. It's going to be hard, but having good friends to help me along and coming home to an inbox full of encouraging messages from friends who don't even live nearby....it's all so helpful and comforting. I know I'll make it through this, I know it, but it's nice to hear it from others sometimes.
Tomorrow will be a day off from packing- we're going to the beach and swimming and building the most awesome, epic sandcastle ever!! Pics will follow...
Aaaand to sound like a total hypocrite, I had the best ever pimento-cheese & jalapeno burger for dinner with my beautiful, sweet, funny friend Jennifer. She cheered me up immensely and actually made my cheeks hurt from laughing so much. It's going to be hard, but having good friends to help me along and coming home to an inbox full of encouraging messages from friends who don't even live nearby....it's all so helpful and comforting. I know I'll make it through this, I know it, but it's nice to hear it from others sometimes.
Tomorrow will be a day off from packing- we're going to the beach and swimming and building the most awesome, epic sandcastle ever!! Pics will follow...
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Day Six...Lack of focus...sleeeep..
So this was an insanely productive 24 hours (rather all over the place and random, but productive nonetheless) but it caught up with us....last night, Callie couldn't sleep so she sat up with me while I sewed and tacked on the new upholstery on the sofa. I was too tired/delirious to sew the cushions and I didn't want to mess them up, so I put them off a day. So instead, today I spent packing everything I could get my hands on...toys, books, etc....in between sleeping, that is.
The kids and I went back to bed a total of three times (we'll, we're heading back for our third time now) today. Whatever my cold/sinus issue is was really kicking in hard today, I assume from pulling out books, records, and toys, plus I was exhausted from the sofa job last night, so we catnapped throughout the day. The kids seem to be as tired and cranky as I am today, so hopefully a good night's rest will do us all some good and make us cheerier in the a.m.
I keep scrolling through Facebook and noticing that, due to these algorithms, I really only see news or updates from my Hampton Roads friends...a very few SC friends trickle through. So I'm wondering how to begin changing that so I won't be out of the loop locally when I move?! I'm intentionally clicking on those friends' updates more and more so maybe Facebook will get the clue...otherwise, I'm going to be perpetually jealous of what's going on in Hampton Roads and missing out on everything in SC!
I think more than the worry about Facebook updates is worrying about "fitting in", about really connecting with people there on the same level that I've connected with people here. A problem that seems to begin and kindergarten and ...never...ends...*sigh. Well, if I don't fit in, I at least hope that my children will make a good transition to their new school and new friends....
The kids and I went back to bed a total of three times (we'll, we're heading back for our third time now) today. Whatever my cold/sinus issue is was really kicking in hard today, I assume from pulling out books, records, and toys, plus I was exhausted from the sofa job last night, so we catnapped throughout the day. The kids seem to be as tired and cranky as I am today, so hopefully a good night's rest will do us all some good and make us cheerier in the a.m.
I keep scrolling through Facebook and noticing that, due to these algorithms, I really only see news or updates from my Hampton Roads friends...a very few SC friends trickle through. So I'm wondering how to begin changing that so I won't be out of the loop locally when I move?! I'm intentionally clicking on those friends' updates more and more so maybe Facebook will get the clue...otherwise, I'm going to be perpetually jealous of what's going on in Hampton Roads and missing out on everything in SC!
I think more than the worry about Facebook updates is worrying about "fitting in", about really connecting with people there on the same level that I've connected with people here. A problem that seems to begin and kindergarten and ...never...ends...*sigh. Well, if I don't fit in, I at least hope that my children will make a good transition to their new school and new friends....
Monday, June 25, 2012
Day Five- Boxes, Coffee, and Pringles
Today was a day of mixed emotions....tested patience, relieved worries, and satiated junk food craving.
First of all, another shout out to a great friend....Lisa not only brought me a great stack of boxes but also took me on an errand and to Cafe Stella for an iced latte. She's the BEST. While at Stella, I ran into Jesse, who as usual was charming and dependably awesome, especially considering my kids were antsy and hyper at being out in town for the first time in a few weeks (hence the testing my patience referred to above).
Then came the meeting that I'm so glad finally happened- getting MJ squared away for his summer school, graduation, and fall semester at community college. I can't thank the organization Stand Up for Kids and Mark Stevens enough for their continued involvement and help, and definitely our friends Brad and Fred for providing MJ tutoring and housing as he continues forward. I seriously wish I could be there for his high school graduation, but I'm just thrilled that he's finally achieved it.
[Back story: MJ is a 19 yr old who Mark found living in a tent in Va Beach during the winter...we took him in and have been helping him reach his goal of graduating high school, along with the help of a lot of great people.]
And finally...getting home starving, needing to run to the store, grabbing a can of Pringles on a whim, and literally running home just a breath ahead of the fat raindrops on our heels and watching the deluge in a crunchy, salty bliss. Sorry, diet, I'll be back tomorrow.
And finally....the beloved/hated to-do list. Proud to say I have ALL the kids clothes' washed, dried, and packed up (I even washed the clothes hanging in their closet just so they'd be fresh when we get there) except a few shorts, T's, and undies to wear until then, I've packed up most of their toys, leaving a few out for the meantime, packed up one big box of kitchen items, one big box of extra pillows/tablecloths (oh, yes, I still use real linen tablecloths)/sheets/towels/etc. So, technically, I'm a bit ahead on my to-do list....yesssss!
This evening is the doozie...probably the most difficult thing I'll do during the next month. I am attempting to reupholster a couch. I've got a staple gun, decorative bronze furniture nails, and a lovely neutral canvas material. If it works out, I'll post photos. If it doesn't, I won't and I'll use lots of afghans/throws for the next year or so until I can afford to have it professionally done or buy another! So....if it turns out well, I'll edit this post with a photo later on....stay tuned!
UPDATE: As promised, photos of my progress so far- I think (a) it's taking me longer than anticipated but (b) it's turning out far better than anticipated. For instance, on the seat backs, I was honestly going to drape it over, fold the sides in like gift-wrapping, and tack them down that way. Then I figured, what the heck, I'll TRY sewing it...and it turned out magically. Very happy.
I've got to do seat cushions today...which kind of stinks because now I need to go to the store and get zippers so I'm not hand-sewing at least 20 inches of cushion closed (per cushion). That would take all day.
First of all, another shout out to a great friend....Lisa not only brought me a great stack of boxes but also took me on an errand and to Cafe Stella for an iced latte. She's the BEST. While at Stella, I ran into Jesse, who as usual was charming and dependably awesome, especially considering my kids were antsy and hyper at being out in town for the first time in a few weeks (hence the testing my patience referred to above).
Then came the meeting that I'm so glad finally happened- getting MJ squared away for his summer school, graduation, and fall semester at community college. I can't thank the organization Stand Up for Kids and Mark Stevens enough for their continued involvement and help, and definitely our friends Brad and Fred for providing MJ tutoring and housing as he continues forward. I seriously wish I could be there for his high school graduation, but I'm just thrilled that he's finally achieved it.
[Back story: MJ is a 19 yr old who Mark found living in a tent in Va Beach during the winter...we took him in and have been helping him reach his goal of graduating high school, along with the help of a lot of great people.]
And finally...getting home starving, needing to run to the store, grabbing a can of Pringles on a whim, and literally running home just a breath ahead of the fat raindrops on our heels and watching the deluge in a crunchy, salty bliss. Sorry, diet, I'll be back tomorrow.
And finally....the beloved/hated to-do list. Proud to say I have ALL the kids clothes' washed, dried, and packed up (I even washed the clothes hanging in their closet just so they'd be fresh when we get there) except a few shorts, T's, and undies to wear until then, I've packed up most of their toys, leaving a few out for the meantime, packed up one big box of kitchen items, one big box of extra pillows/tablecloths (oh, yes, I still use real linen tablecloths)/sheets/towels/etc. So, technically, I'm a bit ahead on my to-do list....yesssss!
This evening is the doozie...probably the most difficult thing I'll do during the next month. I am attempting to reupholster a couch. I've got a staple gun, decorative bronze furniture nails, and a lovely neutral canvas material. If it works out, I'll post photos. If it doesn't, I won't and I'll use lots of afghans/throws for the next year or so until I can afford to have it professionally done or buy another! So....if it turns out well, I'll edit this post with a photo later on....stay tuned!
UPDATE: As promised, photos of my progress so far- I think (a) it's taking me longer than anticipated but (b) it's turning out far better than anticipated. For instance, on the seat backs, I was honestly going to drape it over, fold the sides in like gift-wrapping, and tack them down that way. Then I figured, what the heck, I'll TRY sewing it...and it turned out magically. Very happy.
I've got to do seat cushions today...which kind of stinks because now I need to go to the store and get zippers so I'm not hand-sewing at least 20 inches of cushion closed (per cushion). That would take all day.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Day Four...mixing paint with emotion...
So today I painted the kitchen table. We got the table, a really nice one, about five years ago, and the kids have just done horrible things to the top with permanent marker, water spots, scrapes and scratches, so I contemplated refinishing it or painting it white. I decided on painting it, so Michael and I struggled to carry it outside (cause it's really heavy) and Callie and I slapped on three coats of white paint...WOW, looks like a new table!
I come inside dripping sweat yet happy about our achievement and decided to rest upstairs in the A/C. A cursory review of Facebook makes my head implode. OK, so from January to April, Logan worked on the NATO Festival, working especially closely with the Romanian crew. I never thought anything of it. One of the [female] interns sent me a friend request at the time and I accepted. Sooo...apparently through some weird algorithm, Facebook assumed I'd want to see when my soon-to-be ex-husband friended an over-the-top whorish-looking Romanian girl. THANKS, FACEBOOK.
I didn't need to see that. I've thought about unfriending Logan, but I figure it's still nice to be able to share pictures of the kids and whatnot, plus we've been surprisingly civil. Apparently, it's super easy for him to be civil because he's already moved on, which is like twisting the knife. Oh, boy, it took him a whopping 48 hours to get over our marriage? Maybe 72? Uuuuuuuuuugh.
Side note: the neighbor brought over four bottles of Moscato she had left over from her Memorial Day party...(a) did she read my mind? and (b) I'm trying to avoid the obvious, cliche temptation of drowning my sorrows. Definitely not the right message to be sending to the kids. So now, since the car still isn't running, I'm asking friends to run favors in exchange for a bottle of Moscato...LOL. :) Gotta do what I gotta do.
Yesterday was easy....one of those easy days that kind of makes you think, "Oh, this won't be so bad!" and then days like today come and say, "Ha Ha! Fooled ya!" But it also kind of reinforces that I was right all along. I'm Melissa. I'm real, I'm natural, I'm not a high maintenance woman. If he needs a woman with huge fake breasts, long fake extensions, hot pink fake nails, all baked on with a fake tan, then more power to him...he can find someone as empty on the inside as, well, as he is. What a sad existence, but if that works for people, maybe he can find some degree of "happiness" in it. Me? I need real happiness, something with some depth of character, depth of humanity. But for now,I have to rebuild myself from the inside out from these repeated insults and betrayals. And I will...I'll rebuild and I'll be fine, I know it.
A
N
Y
W
A
Y
.
.
.
SO terrifically thankful for friends to help me out! I think I mentioned this, but I have to repeat because sometimes when you take maybe an hour or two to do something for someone, you don't think much of it, but it may have been a crucially important thing to that person. Please remember that.
SO, in order to cheer me up, now I'm going to make a list of things I'm looking forward to:
1) My home being clean...all...the...time. No dirty socks, dirty dishes laying about, dip spit bottles, dirty carpet, dog hair, I could go on but won't. My home will finally be clean.
2) Being able to eat a healthy, low-fat diet without having to hear complaints about low-fat foods "tasting bad". The kids don't mind, I don't mind, my waist sure won't mind!
3) Being able to watch movies NOT starring Van Damme, Sylvester Stallone, or some other 'roided out freak. Oh, and on the rare chance I want to watch TV, I won't have to run the risk of watching "professional" wrestling.
4) Being able to finally discipline/raise the kids in a consistent manner.
5) Being able to be unapologetically intelligent: to read what I want, to watch the occasional foreign film, to take the kids to a museum to wander for hours, to play jazz music all day around the house if I want (the clean house...:) ), and to do it without being made to feel like a freak or an elitist.
6) Coming to a point where I can say what I want, without prefacing with "I'm sorry, but..."...basically, being able to speak comfortably and confidently without being made to feel inferior, dumb, or crazy for wanting a civil life.
7) Being able to call my friends and meet up for margaritas or a picnic. Calling on my family to watch the kids, and actually being able to finally get my hair done (I've cut my hair at home with either scissors or buzzers for a few years now & dyed it out of a box), or maybe just take an afternoon to go on a bike ride or a walk downtown by myself. I haven't had the luxury of "just dropping the kids off" for ...well, since I've had kids. (!!Yikes!!)
There....I feel better already! Going to take a shower and hit the hay for another full night of sleep. Thank you, friends, for continuing to be there...
I come inside dripping sweat yet happy about our achievement and decided to rest upstairs in the A/C. A cursory review of Facebook makes my head implode. OK, so from January to April, Logan worked on the NATO Festival, working especially closely with the Romanian crew. I never thought anything of it. One of the [female] interns sent me a friend request at the time and I accepted. Sooo...apparently through some weird algorithm, Facebook assumed I'd want to see when my soon-to-be ex-husband friended an over-the-top whorish-looking Romanian girl. THANKS, FACEBOOK.
I didn't need to see that. I've thought about unfriending Logan, but I figure it's still nice to be able to share pictures of the kids and whatnot, plus we've been surprisingly civil. Apparently, it's super easy for him to be civil because he's already moved on, which is like twisting the knife. Oh, boy, it took him a whopping 48 hours to get over our marriage? Maybe 72? Uuuuuuuuuugh.
Side note: the neighbor brought over four bottles of Moscato she had left over from her Memorial Day party...(a) did she read my mind? and (b) I'm trying to avoid the obvious, cliche temptation of drowning my sorrows. Definitely not the right message to be sending to the kids. So now, since the car still isn't running, I'm asking friends to run favors in exchange for a bottle of Moscato...LOL. :) Gotta do what I gotta do.
Yesterday was easy....one of those easy days that kind of makes you think, "Oh, this won't be so bad!" and then days like today come and say, "Ha Ha! Fooled ya!" But it also kind of reinforces that I was right all along. I'm Melissa. I'm real, I'm natural, I'm not a high maintenance woman. If he needs a woman with huge fake breasts, long fake extensions, hot pink fake nails, all baked on with a fake tan, then more power to him...he can find someone as empty on the inside as, well, as he is. What a sad existence, but if that works for people, maybe he can find some degree of "happiness" in it. Me? I need real happiness, something with some depth of character, depth of humanity. But for now,I have to rebuild myself from the inside out from these repeated insults and betrayals. And I will...I'll rebuild and I'll be fine, I know it.
A
N
Y
W
A
Y
.
.
.
SO terrifically thankful for friends to help me out! I think I mentioned this, but I have to repeat because sometimes when you take maybe an hour or two to do something for someone, you don't think much of it, but it may have been a crucially important thing to that person. Please remember that.
SO, in order to cheer me up, now I'm going to make a list of things I'm looking forward to:
1) My home being clean...all...the...time. No dirty socks, dirty dishes laying about, dip spit bottles, dirty carpet, dog hair, I could go on but won't. My home will finally be clean.
2) Being able to eat a healthy, low-fat diet without having to hear complaints about low-fat foods "tasting bad". The kids don't mind, I don't mind, my waist sure won't mind!
3) Being able to watch movies NOT starring Van Damme, Sylvester Stallone, or some other 'roided out freak. Oh, and on the rare chance I want to watch TV, I won't have to run the risk of watching "professional" wrestling.
4) Being able to finally discipline/raise the kids in a consistent manner.
5) Being able to be unapologetically intelligent: to read what I want, to watch the occasional foreign film, to take the kids to a museum to wander for hours, to play jazz music all day around the house if I want (the clean house...:) ), and to do it without being made to feel like a freak or an elitist.
6) Coming to a point where I can say what I want, without prefacing with "I'm sorry, but..."...basically, being able to speak comfortably and confidently without being made to feel inferior, dumb, or crazy for wanting a civil life.
7) Being able to call my friends and meet up for margaritas or a picnic. Calling on my family to watch the kids, and actually being able to finally get my hair done (I've cut my hair at home with either scissors or buzzers for a few years now & dyed it out of a box), or maybe just take an afternoon to go on a bike ride or a walk downtown by myself. I haven't had the luxury of "just dropping the kids off" for ...well, since I've had kids. (!!Yikes!!)
There....I feel better already! Going to take a shower and hit the hay for another full night of sleep. Thank you, friends, for continuing to be there...
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Day Three...Energy Returning, Test of Friendships...
So today I felt much more like myself and was able to plow through the boys' room (a feat made much easier by how clean the boys had kept their own space). Cleaned out Callie's room (which was significantly messier), packed up a few large tubs of their winter clothes, took apart Grayson's bed and aired out the mattress, moved bed pieces and mattress to Callie's room (her room is where everything is getting "stored" so I can fully clean the other rooms, as her door has a straight shot to the front door....easy unloading on moving day.
And more importantly than checking off Day 1 on the work list was having the help of a friend. Only lately am I discovering that so many people who claimed to be suuuch good friends and they haven't offered to help a bit. Any so-called "friend" can go out for drinks with you, but someone to chat with you while walking around Wal-Mart, someone to sit with you and help sort kids' clothes into piles of winter/non-seasonal, too small, and currently wearing....those are the real friends. And so it's sad and frustrating that for all I've reached out to those around me and tried to help others, there are so few standing by to return the favor. Perhaps this is just another sign that it's time for me to get back to my roots and back to those friends who have been there for me for at least 12, 15 years and will definitely come over and help.....but to those here who have come to my aid....THANK YOU. It's not just the physical help you provide, but the conversation and sheer humanity of having someone physically there to share with.
So I'm hoping to get better sleep tonight- I've taken more sinus medication and maybe this will be the night of the elusive eight hours....we'll see....
And more importantly than checking off Day 1 on the work list was having the help of a friend. Only lately am I discovering that so many people who claimed to be suuuch good friends and they haven't offered to help a bit. Any so-called "friend" can go out for drinks with you, but someone to chat with you while walking around Wal-Mart, someone to sit with you and help sort kids' clothes into piles of winter/non-seasonal, too small, and currently wearing....those are the real friends. And so it's sad and frustrating that for all I've reached out to those around me and tried to help others, there are so few standing by to return the favor. Perhaps this is just another sign that it's time for me to get back to my roots and back to those friends who have been there for me for at least 12, 15 years and will definitely come over and help.....but to those here who have come to my aid....THANK YOU. It's not just the physical help you provide, but the conversation and sheer humanity of having someone physically there to share with.
So I'm hoping to get better sleep tonight- I've taken more sinus medication and maybe this will be the night of the elusive eight hours....we'll see....
Friday, June 22, 2012
Day Two....
So, my initial burst of energy was dampened quite severely by what seems to be either a cold or a sinus infection. Seeing as how I don't have the time or inclination to go sit at the VA Hospital for 12 hours just to get a few meds, I've tried to handle it at home. But I can't quite figure out if it's that or the empty, soul-shattering feeling that keeps me crawling back under the covers, coming out long enough to make the kids meals, watch them color as I absentmindedly scratch my unwashed hair and zone out. Looking out the window, thinking, "God, look at the view I'm leaving." Thinking about all the achingly beautiful and amazing people I've met here and will most likely never see again.
My headache has finally broken enough for me to write without the screen's glow piercing my eyes, even on it's dimmest setting, but I find that the words that want to come are too depressing for me to even write, much less expect friends to read. Thirty years old, starting over...ugh, too dark to even contemplate right now, especially since the headache JUST went away.
So I'm a good day and a half behind on the list, so tonight will be a late night, working on packing the boys' room, and somehow keeping my mind off the obvious. Perhaps my posts will get more upbeat as I plow through this enormous list, but for now I feel like I'm just strapping on my boots to scale the mountain....pray for me, if you can.
My headache has finally broken enough for me to write without the screen's glow piercing my eyes, even on it's dimmest setting, but I find that the words that want to come are too depressing for me to even write, much less expect friends to read. Thirty years old, starting over...ugh, too dark to even contemplate right now, especially since the headache JUST went away.
So I'm a good day and a half behind on the list, so tonight will be a late night, working on packing the boys' room, and somehow keeping my mind off the obvious. Perhaps my posts will get more upbeat as I plow through this enormous list, but for now I feel like I'm just strapping on my boots to scale the mountain....pray for me, if you can.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Day One....tenuous steps...
So it was a day of calm, then insane screaming phone calls...all CAPS Facebook messages, sighs, trembling throat clenching down sobs, kids swimming in the bay while my mind is far away...making lists, calling realtors, folding and packing large button-downs, T's, and khakis...organized chaos, deep-seated peace and resolve, long phone calls with friends, hugs, sweat, tears.
Pizza for dinner cause the kitchen was too hot to cook, and I was too distracted...besides, I made awesome omelettes for breakfast.
Dogs on a walk after dark, in the muggy-yet-cooling night.
Kids bath, giggle, splash, say good night and kiss.
Thoughts sting like bugs on the back porch under the flickering light and sipping sweet tea.
Friends, sticking close, reaching out, landing pad.
Tomorrow we'll do it again. Forty days. Isn't that how long Jesus was in the wilderness, battling the forces of evil? If He can do that, I can do this. No problemo.
Dry eyes, sore back. Tomorrow.
Pizza for dinner cause the kitchen was too hot to cook, and I was too distracted...besides, I made awesome omelettes for breakfast.
Dogs on a walk after dark, in the muggy-yet-cooling night.
Kids bath, giggle, splash, say good night and kiss.
Thoughts sting like bugs on the back porch under the flickering light and sipping sweet tea.
Friends, sticking close, reaching out, landing pad.
Tomorrow we'll do it again. Forty days. Isn't that how long Jesus was in the wilderness, battling the forces of evil? If He can do that, I can do this. No problemo.
Dry eyes, sore back. Tomorrow.
Psalm 121
A song of ascents.
1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The Lord will keep you from all harm —
he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Uproot, transport, dig in...
Hi friends,
Sorry my last series was interrupted before I got to Judaism (I WILL go back and finish that....I think it's far too interesting to ignore). I've had some major life changes going on that have been very difficult to deal with, although they were a long time coming. I knew there was a relocation coming in our future, but then the "our" future aspect was altered slightly.
Logan (my husband) is currently in Kansas, and I am in Virginia, packing and preparing to move to South Carolina (or NC, the Charlotte area). This isn't the first time it's crossed my mind- I've lived here in Hampton Roads for eight years, most of it as a Navy wife, through multiple deployments, with zero support system. Sure, I had friends who may watch the kids in an emergency if they had to, but no one, long-term, that I knew I could call on, on a regular basis, for support. For eight years I've strained and struggled, even taken on the care of my husband's mother, who is a recovering addict and active alcoholic. All of this during three deployments (a total of 30 months apart) and then a period of separation, during all of which I was the primary caretaker of our children. On top of that, my first husband passed away tragically in a car accident, and his family took me to court repeatedly to try and gain custody of my oldest son. Don't get me wrong, Logan wasn't a dead-beat. He would help out when he could, but his emotional support was noticeably absent. When my first husband died, Logan was mad that I was grieving, so I grieved in private and put on a happy voice when he called (he was on deployment). I grieved in our tiny bathroom in our home in Chesapeake, and on the back porch, chain-smoking cigarettes long after the kids were asleep, staring into the dark night and trying to figure out how to get past such a big hurt.
Meanwhile, the marriage I was in was crumbling. Logan was distant, had gone through periods of depression, anger, even violence, and I had tried to support him as best I could. The period of separation began after I discovered what was, to me, an unforgivable infidelity. I moved myself and the kids out and struggled to see past tomorrow. 'One foot in front of the other,' I would tell myself, day after day, while my husband was out partying with his friends and going to keggers as if nothing ever happened. I got a job at a coffeehouse that required me to get up at 5 a.m. to be there to bake the pastries, brew the first coffee, etc. and while I loved it dearly and had an amazing, understanding, compassionate boss, it was hard on me to drag the kids out of bed before 5 a.m., shuffle them to the neighbor's house, who would take them all to school/daycare until I got out of work. I yearned for support, so when Logan wanted to be a part of our lives again, I almost fell, exhausted, back in his arms.
We moved back in together and I realized almost immediately that whatever it was that had drawn us together five years ago was no longer there. I struggled to understand his complacency when dealing with his mother, who was too drunk or off her meds or had taken too many meds to be able to help us with the kids. I struggled to understand his mentality of wanting to live together as a family again, yet then lay on the couch and watch TV, disagree about raising the children, disagree about dealing with his mother, and to have zero intimacy or personal relationship. I told him quite a few times that he wasn't "bound" to be with me; he was free to go! He would deny that he wanted to go, swore he would "work on it", but nothing would change...not one iota. I don't doubt that he cares, I just don't think with his background/childhood/family environment growing up that he even knows how to properly care for a wife and children, and I can't hold that against him. I do hold it against him that he's not made the effort to go to counseling, therapy, whatever and figure that out. I see it as a lack of commitment to our family and I do feel that I've waited long enough. It's become apparent either I change my expectations and learn to live in this warped reality or I go.
And so I go....I will painfully sever the wonderful ties I've made to friends and community here, and I'm doing what I never thought I would do.....I'm whispering back home, to my home state, of pucker-tight conservative politics and gossip queens. I'm coming home a decade later, with children in town and no man in sight; I'm aware of what will happen, and Lord knows how many times I'll hear well-meaning friends and old women say they're "praying for me". I know this will mean many, many more days of waking at 5 am, dragging the kids to before-school care so I can get to work on time. I know this will mean many, many more days of falling into bed exhausted after midnight after making dinner, doing laundry, and cleaning house. But I'm OK with that, because I also know that my friends and family are only a phone call, and just a few minutes, away. That finally, after years of juggling, I'll be able to toss of a few of those balls to someone else and let them help out. The silence is over. The struggle is over, and I'm glad to be coming home.
Again, I don't hate Logan...I don't even dislike him. I just want for him to find his own happiness. I want him to find the woman that works in his world, and I'm not her. It's not fair to him to feel 'locked-in' to a loveless marriage, and it's not fair to me. I wish him all the best and hope that he can find balance between his biological family and the inherent problems that exist there, and his future life...and find a way to understand that their past mistakes don't dictate the type of life he must lead (he doesn't have to continually support a mother who makes no effort to change for him or her grandchildren). I hope he finds peace and release from that kind of bondage.
I seriously feel so grateful for my friends here in Hampton Roads who have made my life so interesting, so fun, and have opened so many doors to me and have made me dig within myself and find energy to keep going, through all and against all odds, and make some slight bit of change for our world. I feel as if I've come into my own here by the sea and that I will return home wiser, calmer, and more grounded.
The title of this blog isn't only metaphorical...it's literal. I'm digging up my garden, plant by plant, and carefully attempting to pot them and transport them to South Carolina. I feel like it is a metaphor, though, for myself and my children uprooting, leaving our friends, our neighborhood, our city, and hoping desperately our new home will accept our roots and that our leaves won't wither....we're going to need lots of Miracle-Gro, so if you're one of our friends waiting for us in SC, please know we're going to need lots of love and care so our roots take! See you on the flip side!
~m
Sorry my last series was interrupted before I got to Judaism (I WILL go back and finish that....I think it's far too interesting to ignore). I've had some major life changes going on that have been very difficult to deal with, although they were a long time coming. I knew there was a relocation coming in our future, but then the "our" future aspect was altered slightly.
Logan (my husband) is currently in Kansas, and I am in Virginia, packing and preparing to move to South Carolina (or NC, the Charlotte area). This isn't the first time it's crossed my mind- I've lived here in Hampton Roads for eight years, most of it as a Navy wife, through multiple deployments, with zero support system. Sure, I had friends who may watch the kids in an emergency if they had to, but no one, long-term, that I knew I could call on, on a regular basis, for support. For eight years I've strained and struggled, even taken on the care of my husband's mother, who is a recovering addict and active alcoholic. All of this during three deployments (a total of 30 months apart) and then a period of separation, during all of which I was the primary caretaker of our children. On top of that, my first husband passed away tragically in a car accident, and his family took me to court repeatedly to try and gain custody of my oldest son. Don't get me wrong, Logan wasn't a dead-beat. He would help out when he could, but his emotional support was noticeably absent. When my first husband died, Logan was mad that I was grieving, so I grieved in private and put on a happy voice when he called (he was on deployment). I grieved in our tiny bathroom in our home in Chesapeake, and on the back porch, chain-smoking cigarettes long after the kids were asleep, staring into the dark night and trying to figure out how to get past such a big hurt.
Meanwhile, the marriage I was in was crumbling. Logan was distant, had gone through periods of depression, anger, even violence, and I had tried to support him as best I could. The period of separation began after I discovered what was, to me, an unforgivable infidelity. I moved myself and the kids out and struggled to see past tomorrow. 'One foot in front of the other,' I would tell myself, day after day, while my husband was out partying with his friends and going to keggers as if nothing ever happened. I got a job at a coffeehouse that required me to get up at 5 a.m. to be there to bake the pastries, brew the first coffee, etc. and while I loved it dearly and had an amazing, understanding, compassionate boss, it was hard on me to drag the kids out of bed before 5 a.m., shuffle them to the neighbor's house, who would take them all to school/daycare until I got out of work. I yearned for support, so when Logan wanted to be a part of our lives again, I almost fell, exhausted, back in his arms.
We moved back in together and I realized almost immediately that whatever it was that had drawn us together five years ago was no longer there. I struggled to understand his complacency when dealing with his mother, who was too drunk or off her meds or had taken too many meds to be able to help us with the kids. I struggled to understand his mentality of wanting to live together as a family again, yet then lay on the couch and watch TV, disagree about raising the children, disagree about dealing with his mother, and to have zero intimacy or personal relationship. I told him quite a few times that he wasn't "bound" to be with me; he was free to go! He would deny that he wanted to go, swore he would "work on it", but nothing would change...not one iota. I don't doubt that he cares, I just don't think with his background/childhood/family environment growing up that he even knows how to properly care for a wife and children, and I can't hold that against him. I do hold it against him that he's not made the effort to go to counseling, therapy, whatever and figure that out. I see it as a lack of commitment to our family and I do feel that I've waited long enough. It's become apparent either I change my expectations and learn to live in this warped reality or I go.
And so I go....I will painfully sever the wonderful ties I've made to friends and community here, and I'm doing what I never thought I would do.....I'm whispering back home, to my home state, of pucker-tight conservative politics and gossip queens. I'm coming home a decade later, with children in town and no man in sight; I'm aware of what will happen, and Lord knows how many times I'll hear well-meaning friends and old women say they're "praying for me". I know this will mean many, many more days of waking at 5 am, dragging the kids to before-school care so I can get to work on time. I know this will mean many, many more days of falling into bed exhausted after midnight after making dinner, doing laundry, and cleaning house. But I'm OK with that, because I also know that my friends and family are only a phone call, and just a few minutes, away. That finally, after years of juggling, I'll be able to toss of a few of those balls to someone else and let them help out. The silence is over. The struggle is over, and I'm glad to be coming home.
Again, I don't hate Logan...I don't even dislike him. I just want for him to find his own happiness. I want him to find the woman that works in his world, and I'm not her. It's not fair to him to feel 'locked-in' to a loveless marriage, and it's not fair to me. I wish him all the best and hope that he can find balance between his biological family and the inherent problems that exist there, and his future life...and find a way to understand that their past mistakes don't dictate the type of life he must lead (he doesn't have to continually support a mother who makes no effort to change for him or her grandchildren). I hope he finds peace and release from that kind of bondage.
I seriously feel so grateful for my friends here in Hampton Roads who have made my life so interesting, so fun, and have opened so many doors to me and have made me dig within myself and find energy to keep going, through all and against all odds, and make some slight bit of change for our world. I feel as if I've come into my own here by the sea and that I will return home wiser, calmer, and more grounded.
The title of this blog isn't only metaphorical...it's literal. I'm digging up my garden, plant by plant, and carefully attempting to pot them and transport them to South Carolina. I feel like it is a metaphor, though, for myself and my children uprooting, leaving our friends, our neighborhood, our city, and hoping desperately our new home will accept our roots and that our leaves won't wither....we're going to need lots of Miracle-Gro, so if you're one of our friends waiting for us in SC, please know we're going to need lots of love and care so our roots take! See you on the flip side!
~m
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)