Today has been a roller coaster. Anger, snappy comments, curt tones, uncomfortable silences...just a real blast. But once he double-checked his car, loaded up the dogs, and walked down the front walk for the last time, I almost cried.
Bear with me here....it definitely was no "fond romance" type of tears. It was a real concern for him and his journey. He doesn't have much of a family for true emotional support, not to mention encouragement and growth. Once again I was slammed with feelings of guilt for not being his entire support system, no matter how damaging that is to me and the kids. I felt like I've let him down, just like his mother when he was a kid, and failed him.
After a few minutes of walking and clearing my head, logical thought returned. I cannot be everything to everyone. I can't help "raise" my husband while trying to raise my children at the same time. I, too, deserve to have a companion that is as emotionally available to me as I am to him. The kids deserve to be in a household with stability, without all the raw emotion that flows through him unchecked, and to be free of the tension and stress. All that aside, I do fervently hope and pray that his life will take a turn for the better and he will be able to move forward in a positive way. He definitely has it within him- he just has to unlock it and untangle himself from the negative bonds.
After a couple of hours of packing and cleaning, my day took a definite upswing when I got the email that I got the condo! It literally felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders as I breathed a huge sigh of relief and put that hurdle behind me. The second, and more daunting, hurdle coming up is finding a job, and quickly. I've got the funds for the move and August rent, so I really have up until August 15 to find a job. Breathe in....breathe out...it can be done. Oh, and on top of finding work, I have to get the kids registered in school, which means procuring a SC physical for all three of them (since Johnny is now old enough to head to Pre-K *tears). At least I'll have help tackling all of this!
My last chore of the day was cleaning out my desk. I pulled out the usual: random staples, paper clips, rubber bands, pen caps, and then I opened the center drawer and right in the middle, staring at me, was Logan's wedding ring. Well. There's that. I don't know if he left it right there on purpose...I doubt it because he's never been one for the dramatic or emphatic gestures, but the effect was there nonetheless. I put it on my thumb, like I did for the duration of his first deployment when he worked in a shop where they couldn't wear rings. Is that weird? Maybe so. I don't know. I haven't even thought about taking my ring off yet...I slid it down on my finger and I have a hideous indentation and tan line, so I just put it back. I'll take it off eventually.
So that kind of soured my mood and I just gave up the task until tomorrow. It's still a whirlwind of emotion, one of the hardest days yet, so I'm probably going to turn in early and sleep the hurt away.
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