Who is this [me]?

So I have written some about this recent shift in my person, and it's strange how quickly and drastically a person can change.

I have an increasingly shorter and shorter patience for bullshit.  I suspect that's just a part of getting older and getting burned in personal relationships.  However, I'm becoming increasingly more comfortable speaking out about such impatience and intolerance, which may lead people to more and more frequent opining that I'm a, what's the word, "bitch"?  Ewwwww.  Ha, I feel that I don't care.

I have less and less regard for the rules of social acceptance. I get frustrated more quickly with teachers and other adults in my childrens' lives who make them feel "different" for having a single mom, for having little money, for coming from a liberal and questioning home. I have come close to verbally confronting a teacher who sent home a Jesus tract with my child...at a public school.  It's inappropriate and unconstitutional.  Regardless of our religious affiliation, I want my children's religious teaching to come from me and whatever religious institution I deem appropriate. I thought we covered this decades ago in regards to public schools!!

On a similar note, I'm tired of hiding my admiration for the free thinkers of our time. I have loved the art of tattooing since I was a teenager, but always afraid of being judged for being inked.  Now, I couldn't care a shred less.  Many people in my situation spend oodles of money on iPhones, gadgets, nice cars, clothes, purses, shoes....I just want to spend mine on ink. That's it. (When I say "people in my situation", I have noticed over the years that if a single mom is using an iPhone or Blackberry or whatever the top notch phone is, is driving a really nice car, is sporting fake nails, tan, etc., people usually don't mention it...if she gets a tattoo, it's "Where did she get the money for that?").  It's my money.  If I can pay my bills, put money in the kids' 529 college plans, and I have money left over, I want to spend it on art...just happens to be art on my skin instead of hanging on my wall.  Well, there's that too....there's a gorge Jean-Michel Basqiuat print I've had my eye on for a while now.

Anyhoo, I guess I just reached my limit. Along with that came a sad epiphany for me, especially quite recently.  I find myself questioning faith even more.  During the recent months, when everything has been so rough, the friends who have come together and helped me in concrete, tangible ways are not those from Christian groups, organizations, or backgrounds.  Obviously there are exceptions to this: one friend of the family is a beautiful, devout Christian woman who unquestioningly sent me quite a large check to assist me with John's school tuition.
I think the root of this frustration is that I was raised in a Christian home, and those very Christians have turned their back on me.  I'm not talking about financial assistance...I'm talking about being a family. Coming by to see the kids, asking them to come over and sneaking them ice cream when I say no. Asking me how things are going in my life.  Nag me about doing this or that. I would much rather have over-involved, nagging parents than completely absent ones.  Sometimes I do want to ask advice about parenting, finances, how to get a stain out, how to cook something...why do I feel like I'm being adult-parented by Google?  This situation has grown from me being sad about it to irritated to full-blown anger. I'm a weird, questioning, nonconformist, tattooed, divorced single mom.....that's it. And my family can't accept it. And that makes me super sad, because I, and my children, are people worth knowing.

To bring that back to the topic of faith, my children are coming up with ALL these questions about faith.  They're hearing about this man who was tortured and crucified for "our sins" (so it's our fault that he had to go through this?), but you can't see him or hear him and basically have to die to discover whether or not it's all true?  I have no clue how to answer these and other questions in a way that they may understand. I have a degree in Philosophy so I can discuss this all day with other rational (key word) adults, but I'm clueless with kids.

I don't know what I would describe myself as anymore. I believe in a deity- one who is greater than all of us, omniscient.  I reject Descartes' description of an evil genius who is out to deceive mankind but I also don't necessarily subscribe to his subsequent proof of God's existence. I don't agree with Russell's total atheism, but I do agree with his statements that religion is pretty much the root of all wars and social injustice (think about it...no really...think about it. It's true.). Aquinas just wrote like two thousand pages that basically summed up with, "But at the end of the day, you just gave to have faith to truly believe."  *Sigh.  The thought of an angry, spiteful, violent deity who would condemn his followers to an eternity of torture for not believing a certain version of a certain story....no, not just his followers but all of mankind, even those who have never heard of him.....that's unconscionable to me.  Especially if a person has dedicated his or her life to peace, serving others, humility, etc. I like aspects of other religions like Buddhism and Hinduism, although I don't believe in others like reincarnation.

The overriding theme that I subscribe to the most, and I'm seeing a lot of people my age going this direction, is peace, benevolence, and following the golden rule.  Serve your fellow man... take care of yourself, your neighbors, and your planet. Enjoy the simple pleasures in life (we're not talking hedonistic orgies here, we're talking about enjoying a hike down a flowered mountain path, the taste of fresh strawberries warm from the field, watching the sunset, gathering with friends for laughs and companionship). This is how I'm raising my children and they're turning out pretty friggin' awesome (don't ask me, ask any number of people who have spent time with them). I know it's an inherent part of our psychoanalytical structure to continually question our purpose and such issues that arise therein, such as religion, but it doesn't make it any easier to wade through these issues for yourself if you are the questioning type and don't just accept what's spoon-fed to you at a church.

Please leave comments and add your thoughts, insights, and feelings below...I'd love to see a conversation develop!