For Lee

My days now are filled with remembering
and frantically trying to forget
of reminding myself of things I didn't get.
I tear my mind away, time and time again,
I force myself to look, to remember brutal truths,
of hopes and dreams dissolved,
of oceans between, and months and months of pain.

All to avoid the foggy remembering,
of smoky bars and drunken grins,
and snowflakes stuck to dirty boots.
Electric blue lights to indie rok
under icy-laden drooping trees.
The parking lot, cliched kiss in the rain,
"It's not goodbye, it's see ya soon."
Dreamy haze of the wedding day
under a sweltering Southern sun.
Laughter and pranks in that tiny apartment
and the smear of egg yolks
from the carton you dropped when I told you.
Driving around town all night to find
the "fat gas station pickle" that I craved.
Lying on the beach with my two piece on,
and that band drawing pictures on my growing belly
during our last Warped Tour.

The perfect nursery, the perfect house
the perfect foundation crumbling beneath us.
The spinning pain as the world tore at its seams,
and now its doing it again.
The future I have of swallowing my pain
and living your memory again and again,
to tell our son of the big rock star,
the fisherman, the family and friend...
The confusion in his eyes
and the future of pain for him.

One day, years ago, you said you wanted better,
you wanted more, for your boy.
I will give him that, I swear:
at any cost, I will.
And let that be a final promise,
my final farewell to you.
I will mend burned bridges
and reconnect his whole world,
forgive past transgressions for his sake,
all the things that you wanted will be.

I may not yet forgive, and I certainly can't forget.
But I promise to move on and raise him well,
rest easy, rude boy, our son is OK.
You've lived your life hard, fast, and fun,
and your memory, I promise, will live on.
Your rocked and I loved you and it's my honest prayer,
that you rest in peace
and know that our child is well.



~In memory of Lee, we might have had hard times but in my mind you will always be the guy in the band, sweet, fun, and my first love. Here's to PBR, Bouncing Souls, fishing at the beach, Jimmy Eat World, New Brooklyn Tavern, shows, dancin, drinkin, and living life to the fullest, the way you knew how.

P. Lee Player. March 6, 1983- March 16, 2009.~