Little boys viewing porn...

Recently I heard the extraordinarily disturbing fact that most boys are first viewing porn at nine years old.

My jaw dropped.

My son is eight. I'm not ready for that shit. And neither, may I add, is he. Not even close.

What disturbed me the most is the fact that these boys' parents are allowing availability of such material. Your kid may or may not still believe in Santa (mine does...he's got two younger siblings..I can't afford to have him blowing the cover)..what on earth makes you think he's ready for porn?? If there are any dads reading, I've heard from a guy or two that this is a "high-five" moment- catching your son watching porn for the first time. I think even you would agree it would be better for this moment to occur when the kid's in high school, right?  Can you high-fve your son for watching porn and then drop him off at elementary school the next day?  Seriously?

I could make this a very, very loooong blog post by enumerating the various psychological reasons it's very unhealthy for such young minds to view porn, but you can read those studies, etc. here, here, and here.

I think we (as a society) need to address the issue. When I recall the best sexual encounters of my life, they are ones that occurred within the bounds of a good relationship. The element of trust, respect, intense emotional intimacy manifesting in physical intimacy, those all made for way better sex than a ten minute fling. Maybe that's a female thing, but from the studies that have been coming out more and more recently, it's not. Men also experience better sex within a relationship (whether or not they admit it around their friends or only during an anonymous survey).  And on that note: when was the last time your greatest sexual encounter looked anything like a porn? Mine don't.

I'll tell you now: if a man treated me, touched me, and/or talked to me the way the men talk to women in porn, I'd be out of that bed and out of that house so fast his dumb ass wouldn't know what was happening. Sex isn't about degrading, dehumanizing, violence (however subdued), it's about mutual attraction and respect of boundaries for a mutually pleasant experience. So if your kid grows up watching this shit and then treats his first girlfriend that way, it's going to go one of two ways:
1. she will walk, nay, probably run away from him and tell all of her friends what a skeezy perv he is.





2. she will allow such an experience to begin to define and shape her sexual experiences, leading to a lifetime of frustrating, humiliating sexual encounters trying to reach unattainable, inhuman goals of "sexual gratification" for men.
Wow. Wouldn't you be a proud papa. Your kid's either a skeezy perv or training a future stripper. Sweet.

Use some common sense, parents. There is absolutely, positively, unequivocally no reason for an 8, 9, 10, 11 year old to have private access to a computer with internet access.  Put that shit in the living room and watch what they're doing on the internet.  If you don't have time for that, you don't have time to be a parent and you should probably send your kids to join the circus or some shit because you damn sure aren't doing your job. Put parental blocks on your computer and actually check that shit from time to time to make sure they're not bypassing it. Again, too time consuming?  Shut the fuck up and be a parent.  I am honestly shocked and appalled that any parent would not monitor their child's internet use, but apparently it's happening a lot.

Another thing- be honest.  The first time your son (or daughter) approaches you and asks what a dick, nuts, tits, etc. are, be honest, use scientific terms (trust me, we've approached the use of the word "testicles" in my house already), don't laugh, but don't act like you're talking about nuclear physics, either. Don't make it a super-serious conversation as that might stress them out, make them uncomfortable, and they'll quit coming to ask you because they don't want to get a lecture every time.  If you're cooking, keep cooking. If you're reading the paper, look up for a sec, say, "That's the word for breasts, and it's probably better all around, if you don't want to offend someone, to just say breasts," and go back to reading your paper. It's life, it's nature, and they need to know, but they don't need a sit-down lecture every single time.  The "sex talk" is a one-time, sit-down, 'grab a Coke cause it's gonna be a while', conversation where you lay it all out on the table. Until then, only answer what they ask and nothing more.

Don't be this dad...

Don't shame your kid. Curiosity is normal. But don't high-five your 8 year old for finding YouPorn, either...shut that shit down.  Tell him in no uncertain terms that such material is grossly inappropriate for his age and he will not be viewing it in your house. (This is called, in old-school-parenting lingo, Putting Your Foot Down....it's OK, you can do it- your precious baby boy will still love you.) If you care about your son, the material he puts in his brain and the way it quite literally affects his brain development, and about the health of his future relationships (as in, you want him to bring home a decent girl and not a string of emotionally damaged women who will wreak havoc on his life), then you do this for him.

Get your 9 year olds off the computer and out in the yard with baseballs, people. Come on. Our generation has fucked a lot up, but we have the power to produce a new generation that's more evolved, wiser, healthier, and better prepared to handle the world. We grew up when the internet was a new thing and we (along with our parents) were just figuring out the limits, rules, guidelines for navigating the information superhighway.  Well now we know.  Use your knowledge, your power, and your love for your child to make wiser decisions than those before us. Evolve.

~m