juxtaposition of national tragedy and personal loss

Today has been horrific.

I think that goes without saying.

Twelve and a half years ago, I puked in the alley behind the pizza joint where I worked as towers crumbled and my innocent, naive life evaporated in clouds of dust and swirling paper shreds hundreds of miles away.

Today, I puked in the bathroom of the home where I try to shield and protect my children from harm and yet the ugly, nasty world is only getting uglier and nastier.  I served four years in our military, and I'm not one step closer to protecting my children against random acts of terror.

And on top of this national ugliness, this disgusting show of intimidation, my boyfriend finds out he lost a good friend (unrelated incident), and to hear the hurt and raw pain in his voice...it was too much.  I lost the stomach that had been queasy since 3:22 when I got the news alert in an email to my phone from ABC News.

I guess being a sensitive soul and then adding to it the love of being a mother and wanting desperately to protect my children, not only from something like this happening to them but from the very knowledge that such evil exists, I physiologically experience sickness when this stuff happens.

Horror at random, senseless murder.  Fear at the lack of knowledge, lack of control, lack of comprehension. Frustration at knowing we can no longer trust any news source to truly give us the straight story.  Terror at knowing that while the chances of this happening to your loved one are beyond minuscule, that chance still exists because somewhere out there, there are parents of a dead child from Columbine High School, a widow of a banking executive from 9/11, and on and on and on.

So when I think I'm at my peak of emotional tension, Chris calls and I heard his voice and it just shot straight through me, because I've been there.  We've all been there, unless you're so insanely lucky you've never had to bury a friend or loved one. Not just sadness, but frustration tinged in despair. Being slammed in the face with our own mortality and finding ourselves lacking in the ability, the words, to deal and to help others deal.

I'm sick....physically, emotionally, and now just plain sick of all the political rhetoric flying around Facebook and the internet right now.  I can't process any more.

Let's all find something, some meaning, some strength, some hope, from today, in any way possible, please. I can't cope if we don't.

Always in peace, love, and pride,
~m