Read this story this morning on a 15 year old boy attacking, beating, and choking a 14 year old girl when she turned down his advances.
Now...OK, what the holy hell? Fifteen years old? And a girl of fourteen? I had my first crush and my first kiss when I was fourteen. I cannot imagine being violently attacked by a boy my own age at that time in my life. I just can't wrap my head around it.I admit, I always go this route of blaming the parents. I do. Guilty. But at fifteen, much of your character development is owed to two sources: your parents and school. Typically, schools are good to enforce the word "no". If your teacher says no and you flip out, you get sent to the principle, get detention, ISS, or OSS. There is an immediate and tangible consequence. With many, many parents (more and more, from my viewpoint as a parent), "no" is an optional word in the home. If you say "no" and your toddler flips out and you allow it, and by allowing the behavior I mean give in and give them what they want, you're not helping your child. And you're basically producing a brat who is one day going to be a six-foot-tall, 200 pound man who can't take the word "no". Gee....thanks.
It's very, very hard to be a parent. No one ever claims it's easy, particularly with an insistent toddler who will ask the same thing over and over and over and you want, you really, really want to just say "yes" so she or he will stop begging. Yet any parent worth their salt knows that sometimes you have to stand firm, that allowing your dear one to eat Sweet Tarts at 7 am before being dropped off at preschool would probably result in a phone call from an extremely pissed off preschool teacher at 10 am when your child is going berserk all over the classroom and refusing to settle down.
The word "no" is a very real part of life, and just like your child needs to learn to pee and poop on his own, how to tie his own shoes, how to eventually wash his own clothes, cook for himself, balance his own checkbook, so he must learn, and as early as possible, how to deal with the word "no" and how to process rejection. As a parent, you're a coach in this whole process, and if you want to shirk your duties, the rest of us will eventually want to punch you. Just sayin'.
I'm not saying I'm perfect nor are my children. In a very crowded public park on Saturday, my dear five year old, who elected to skip his nap that day (much against my advisement), finally reached his breaking point and positively screamed at me in front of dozens of onlookers (all because I wanted to hold his hand so he would stop teetering on the edge of the rock wall by the pond that was about to give him an algae-and-bacteria bath). But I stopped walking, stared at him, and didn't keep moving, didn't back down, until he stopped acting like a lunatic, got with the program, and got away from the pond. I also threatened (and I back up my threats...they are not empty and the kids know it) to take away his Wii. I didn't give in and allow him to jump in a filthy pond because his 5 yr-old mind thought it was a good idea. No!
It was embarrassing, and I'm sure there was some self-righteous mom looking on thinking, "Oh my gosh, what an awful mom." So perhaps, this 15 year old boy's mom is out there, horrified at what her son has done....yet 15 year olds don't get to attack others because they didn't take a nap. By fifteen, you should pretty much be in control of your faculties. You should have a fairly decent grasp on anger management and appropriate boundaries. And, of course, there's always the possibility this kid has some kind of mental illness/behavioral issue, but then again, that should be recognized/diagnosed/treated by that age. But since nothing like that is mentioned in the article, I'm fairly certain this kid just doesn't comprehend the word "NO".
I have customers who come in Starbucks all the time, and their kids (young...like 3-8 yrs old) start whining the second they walk in, and these parents make me sick...."Well, what do you want honey? You want a frappuccino? OK, OK, no, don't fuss like that. Don't whine baby...we're almost there. There's a lady ahead of us, honey...oh, ok, I'll push her out of the way like a roller derby girl to order you a 600 calorie, sugar-and-caffeine-laden drink that's vastly inappropriate for your age so you'll stop whining." Seriously. OK, they don't go all roller-derby, but damn near it...all to appease their sniveling kid and give them caffeine (facepalm) instead of telling them to shut up and no, they're not getting a coffee drink that's not appropriate for their age and no, they don't hold the purse strings and so no, they're not getting a $4 frappuccino, and no, whining and screaming louder and louder won't result in a cake pop......but they don't. They give in. Except one time...a grandmother told her 2-3 year old granddaughter to hush her mouth, she wasn't getting anything because she didn't ask nicely, and when she began screaming, she turned right around, got out of line, took the little girl to the bathroom, came back with a red-faced and subdued child, got back in line, ordered her own coffee, and the chastised girl didn't speak a word. I mentally high-fived the grandmother, because sometimes, as a parent, you have to lose your place in line. Hang up the phone. Stop grocery shopping. Stop walking in the park. You have to stop what you're doing (ahhhh, the kicker for one of the most selfish generations of parents ever) and parent your child. It also means respecting your child's needs enough to know better than to plan a trip to the store during your child's nap-time and expecting them to behave.
It's OK to say no. It's one of the best lessons you can teach your child...how to deal with NO.
Agreed on the NO! I was worried that was going to be my children's first words lol. But it wasn't and they seem fine despite being told No 95% of the time.
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