Inspired by a friend, I'm going to reflect on the past year and things I learned this annum.
They are not in any particular order, and may not be lessons complete...aren't we all in a continual learning curve?
1. Life isn't fair. If you know me very well, you may be saying, "Gee, Melissa, you should probably know that by now." Well, yes, it's been one of those ongoing lessons, but it really hit home hard and fast in January when my landlord evicted my family because she didn't want to make necessary repairs on her property, even when I had cash in hand in court to pay her made-up-on-the-spot "fee". My parents did give me one thing: a hard work ethic, and I work hard and do my best to meet my obligations. Although I was working at Starbucks at the time and receiving no financial assistance, I was still giving her rent, even when there was a massive leak and three out of the five appliances in the house didn't work properly. So was it "fair" when she suddenly and on the coldest day of the year evicted us? Nope. Was it supported by the laws of SC with loopholes a slum lord could drive a truck through? Unfortunately, yes, and the judge read this woman for filth in the courtroom but ultimately had no choice but to do the most he could- give us ten extra days. Ten days to find a home for my kids on a Starbucks paycheck. Which leads me to #2...
2. True friendship will be proven in hard times. If someone were to ask you how many friends you have, would you flippantly toss out a triple digit number? Double digit? Not I. Single digits. Because I consider a friend not someone who will take shots with you on your birthday or show up for a party at your house, but someone who will hold your hand while you cry, who you can talk about your most serious issues with, and when times are really dark, a doorway of light opens and in they walk. Last year was super, super hard for my little family- divorce, unemployment, moving, short sale of a house whose value tanked when the housing bubble burst....it was really, really hard. And some of the most unexpected people came to my aid. Beginning from my going away party in VA where dozens of supposed "friends" were "too busy" to come by to say goodbye, yet some unexpected faces showed up, to worrying about paying bills last Christmas, much less getting gifts, and receiving checks in the mail, again from very unexpected sources, and then having two friends let me crash on their couch until my apartment was ready, discovering true friendship has been like kicking up diamonds in the sand....wasn't mining for them, they just appeared when I needed them.
3. Mastering self-control is changing my life. You wouldn't know it to look at me right this minute, thanks to some crappy medication that caused me to gain a bunch of weight, but I learned a lot about my relationship to food, my love life, my career, and my goals this year. When I'm frustrated or stressed, it's super hard to see beyond five steps ahead of me, which is, to a degree, natural. However, if the "stress" is just working in a demanding, creative work environment, some degree of sustainable stress management is a must. This strategy must not involve Krispy Kreme in any way, for the record. I can't tell you how many times I've had to take a minute and do some deep breathing techniques at my desk because emails were pouring in faster than I could keep up and the deadlines on many projects were circled in red and approaching fast. Managing stress at work is one thing...when affairs of the heart are involved, it gets even more complicated, but that's a whole 'nother point on its own. If you can nail down what you're eating every day, when you're getting exercise and how, and how to politely and professionally handle stress at work, you're already doing better than probably 90% of us.
4. Never, ever, ever settle, even if it means being alone. This one stinks because people are social creatures and like being with a partner. But being lonely and alone is way better than being miserable with a partner. This is the most important lesson I've learned in regards to my relationships. If someone has existing issues (I mean, to a point, we all have some kind of issues, but I'm taking about addiction or serious issues), let it go. Unless you're like..a therapist and looking for a real-life residency, don't get wrapped up with someone who already has serious problems. I'm not trying to point fingers at all here, like I said we all have issues, but you can choose what additional drama you want brought into your life and when to say no thanks.
5. Loving myself! Sometimes my brain gets stuck in seventh grade, where I was in total angst over my grunge style (not exactly the norm in rural Kershaw, SC), my gangly limbs, my mousey brown hair, and the fact that Curtis Small, my total crush, didn't know I existed. Neither did Jared Leto, but I only knew him through the console tube in my parent's living room on 'My So-Called Life'.
I still have a grunge style. More than one pair of my jeans is ripped to hell, I still own flannel, if given the preference I would rarely wear makeup, and my biggest shoe purchases are Chucks and hiking boots. I can doll it up when necessary, and even enjoy doing so from time to time, but it's not my norm. At all. I've come to love that about myself. In a sea of daytime-TV-watching, Spanx-wearing, commercial women, I am utterly and unabashedly me, and I've found the more I love myself, the more people are comfortable accepting me as well. There's also an immense freedom in leaving your house in whatever the heck you want because you legitimately do not care what the cashier at the store or the ticket boy at the theater thinks. On impulse last week, I took myself to a movie. The one I wanted to see started at 6:50...I live 25 minutes from the theater and it was 6:15 when I decided I wanted to go and started looking online at buying a ticket. I threw on whatever jeans were on top of the stack in the drawer, a black T from a coffeehouse where I used to work, chucks, and pulled my hair back. I may have looked slightly homeless, but I was totally stoked to be seeing a good movie where I could eat my own popcorn, not have to escort a kid to the bathroom, not have to feel awkward in front of a date about laughing too loudly, putting my feet up, or checking my email during the boring parts. It was spectacular to enjoy being me, to "date" me, and not worry about fitting into society's standards of what I "should" look like (or act like). I can honestly say, overall, I'm more comfortable in my skin than ever.
6. Let go of the little stuff. My house is never magazine-photo perfect. At least one of my kids, on any given day, is wearing mismatched [though clean!] socks. I use swear words but try daily to not. I am a part-time vegan. I spoil my dogs and let them sleep on my bed. (I also spoil my children and let them sleep on my bed, so it gets crowded sometimes). I heard once the "Five Year Rule", so I go by that faithfully. If it's not going to matter in five years, let it go. It will positively not matter one iota in five years how long your kids' hair is in ninth grade, so if he wants it halfway down his back, let him. I'm a lot more laid-back than many of the parents where I currently live, whose prim and proper dockers-clad children kinda creep me out...they're like quiet robots. My kids are always questioning, exploring, experimenting, and I just try really hard to clean up after them and encourage them to keep on figuring stuff out. Genius isn't bred in time-out.
7. Mistakes are OK. Goes for everyone in the family. We all make mistakes; it's simply human. The problem comes with repeating the same mistakes. Then it's not a mistake, it's a bad habit and has to be stopped. My first cigarette in 2000 was a mistake. The next seven years were a bad habit. Sometimes I fall back into the bad habit, when I'm super stressed or around someone a lot who does it, but not so much anymore. The more I get comfortable saying "no", the less I fall back into old habits...oh, wait, that's my very next point...
8. Got comfortable with my limits and then got comfortable enforcing them. Good segway...thanks, me! One of the most valuable things I've learned this year is how to say no, how to politely but firmly set limits, and how to professionally set limits and identify behavior I won't tolerate in the workplace. Working for a tyrant made for a horrible office environment and constant, almost crippling stress, as we were expected to perform way beyond our hours, our skill set, and demanded to produce nearly impossible results with no support and nothing but criticism. I was unsure how to set limits and being a natural people-pleaser, I kept trying to jump higher and higher to meet her never-attainable goals (wasn't just me- the whole office received this treatment). After leaving there, I vowed to never again allow myself to be treated like that at work. When it came close recently, I immediately took steps to set limits on professional contact and how I will be addressed. It's not ego- it's common courtesy. I have never sent someone a work email demanding something be done "NOW", so I don't expect to receive such an email, particularly from a peer (not a boss). It's OK to set boundaries and establish expectations from those around you, whether in a professional sense or in your personal life. I'm the same way with personal relationships- my last boyfriend said some really offensive stuff, and I immediately called him on it and it was one of the factors that ultimately led me to exit the relationship. The way you let people talk to you is the way they will talk to you....how do you want to be addressed? Then demand that.
9. Savor moments in real-life, not through a lens. Put away the phone, the tablet, etc. Watch the world through your eyes, experience it with your body, and remember it in your mind- not a memory card. Could you watch a first-person video of someone walking the El Camino Santiago and see the sights? Sure. Is that the same as actually making the trek yourself? Seriously? Of course not. I've learned to live my life in 3D by actually being present.
10. I may never be at peace with the church. I tried going to a local church...pleasant place with friendly people and all was going well...and then *BAM*. The "L" word was dropped like a little ticking time-bomb in a Sunday School lesson. "Liberal". My smile was frozen in place as I tried to process that somehow in the teaching of the history of the church, this guy found it necessary to comment on liberals. In church. When talking about second century Rome. Sigh. It bugged me...it bugged me a lot. So I tried to shrug it off as one guy's opinion and personal bias when the head minister of the church, in his prayer to start off the church service, mentioned "government leaders" and remembering and returning to the traditional Christian values of our forefathers. Now I'm not going to debate this here, but that's largely bullcrap. Our nation's forefathers established a little baby nation full of pilgrims and refugees looking to escape religious persecution and control, and a few of our beloved forefathers were Sunday, Easter, and Christmas Christians only. Anyway, once political issues were mentioned twice in one day in a church, it was like a burr under my skin and just nagged and nagged at me. The modern day church has a lot more to worry about with the exodus of parishioners without becoming political activists. Most people go to church for spiritual guidance and fellowship, not to be told who to vote for, yet that's exactly what's happening. I seriously hope 2014 will bring the opportunity to visit a church that will speak to me on a spiritual level and not a political/social one, and we'll continue to visit churches until we find our home.
11. Be true to yourself always, in every situation, in all ways. I have two little tattoos on the insides of my wrists. They still make me smile sometimes because they are so perfectly me, and they were a total impulse thing. I mean, I knew the phrases that I wanted, but I was messing around with fonts at work, printed them out in a font I liked, and on my lunch break, I got them inked on and went back to work. It was reckless and while I don't usually recommend getting tattoos without a lot of thought and consideration, I just happen to be the kind of person that overthinks everything to death, so when I let myself make a rash decision [that's not harmful], it usually ends very well.
12. Choose the people in your life very, very carefully. Some people we're born with, and you can't help who's in your family. But when choosing a partner, especially one you're going to have kids with, be very, very careful. You can get a divorce, but that means your children will be going, without you, to that person's house several times a year. If they made crappy decisions while you were married and lacked good parenting skills, it won't be any different, only now you're not going to be in the house providing a buffer for your kids. The most painful lesson I've learned this year is that our divorce didn't actually mean I was rid of him forever...now I have to release my precious babies to him for a few weeks a year and pray they come home safe and sound. It's always mind-numbingly stressful.
13. There's this big blue ball...and you only get one go-round... if you've known me for a bit, you've probably heard this from me. It's my motto. [I had it before "YOLO", so I call dibs]. It's true, though...take it from a philosophy major who's literally lain awake at night having an existential meltdown. Sometimes, I just get in the car and just drive, not really knowing where I'm going. I like to just leap off into the unknown and breathe it all in. Live it up. When there's music, for God's sake, dance! When there's laughter, freely join in. Read as many books as humanly possible during your life. Read everything you can get your hands on, because next to physical contact and face-to-face contact, reading the words another human took the time to craft is the most meaningful and intimate contact humans can have. Instead of 'liking' and 'sharing' those breathtaking landscape pictures on Facebook and Tumblr, find the place on a map, buy a ticket, and go there. Take your own damn picture for your friends to 'like' and 'share'. Make the world your playground. Drink the best wine you can afford. Eat from the fruits of the earth and not the chemicals of its factories. Remember, "the unexamined life is not worth living". If there's one lesson that I continued to explore in 2013 and will keep learning is to go forth with a curious and humble spirit, shut my trap, and absorb all the world has to offer!
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