I've seen a lot of articles lately about the topic- Upworthy and Mighty Girl, among other sites, have been all over this. I'm kind of in a weird place on this subject, and a very sensitive place, because my body has betrayed me once again....
About five months ago I began a new medication. This is after losing a lot of weight and feeling really great about the way I looked for the first time in years. My diet habits didn't change that drastically, but wow...I've started putting on weight again. That, combined with other side effects, made me nix that medication two weeks ago.....aaaand now I'm back to square one with weight to lose again.
But more than the "gotta lose weight" issue, there's such a plethora of fat shaming for real, legit, going on in our world. Being someone who, this time last year, was getting hit on on a regular basis, to this year is invisible (I'll expound on that), I can attest that being "fat" leads to a whole different world.
By nature, I'm a pretty confident person. I typically feel comfortable in my skin and don't have much of an issue with intimacy or being comfortable in most settings. When I gain weight, though, I feel like I am taking up more space than I'm allowed in the world. Does that make sense? I literally feel like I am imposing on other's space because I am 2 inches bigger in diameter than my allotted universe-space, and that is such an uncomfortable feeling. I don't think I look bad, necessarily, although I'm totally socially brainwashed into thinking I'm "less pretty", but the way it makes me feel is horrible.
I call my weight my "cloak of invisibility" because it TOTALLY IS. Twenty pounds less and guys will smile, make small talk in line, etc. Now I can sit and people-watch to my heart's desire because no one gives me a second glance. Being kind of an introvert, I'm kind of OK with that, but the underlying reason definitely doesn't make me feel great.
A friend shared a book with me called Confessions of a Fat Runner. Four chapters in and I'm actually nodding and agreeing with so many of her descriptions of herself and her relationship to food, exercise, and her weight. She runs at least ten miles a week and has for years and still isn't "skinny". Some women just are not built that way. My body is especially sensitive to factors aside from diet and exercise, whether it's medication or hormones, and 2 years ago I discovered that stress that raises my blood pressure directly affects my thyroid (overheard once: "Thyroid...haha, yeah right. Every fat woman's excuse."), so when I have a lot of stress at work or at home, I can gain weight eating a handful of rice and water every day. It's nuts.
The kids are I are always conscious of what we eat. They have all learned about healthy habits at home and it's been confirmed at school, so they do seriously want to always have bananas, oranges, apples, carrots, and other fruits and veggies in the house. So even my kids are supportive of a healthy diet. [Tell that to my size ten jeans.] We are currently working to eliminate sugar in our house after 2 kids had cavities at their most recent dental visit, and that will be our next-biggest hurdle (the switch to whole wheat pasta a couple of years ago almost incited riots). Don't get me wrong- we don't have a lot of cookies/candies, etc. lying around, but we drink a lot of juice instead of water (lots of natural sugars...too many).
But here's the crux of the issue: although the grocery shopping and cooking conversation does factor around health, what is the message that my daughter is truly getting (and sons- more boys are getting eating disorders now)? Do they really think it's about health or do they see my excitement when I fit in my skinny jeans and think it's about clothing size and appearances? It's all exhausting- positively exhausting.
Oh, and try to convince a new guy you're a really cool chick with an awesome personality while wondering if he's eyeballing the exits, figuring out how to get away from 'the fat girl'.
I know this has been somewhat of a rambling rant with no conclusion or solutions, but I'm hoping someone can sympathize or relate and perhaps we can provide another voice or two in the resounding chorus against fat shaming. I know people, women, who purposely eat everything they can trying to gain weight and can't, and then women who work out, can run miles and miles, but look "fat"...and for each of those women in their personal situations, it sucks.
I also know some really "cool", "progressive" hipster types that claim to be all about inner beauty but only date women who look like models and surround themselves with mostly beautiful people (they may throw in a token fat girl for appearances...and, yes, I'm serious....and if you're wondering if I'm talking about you, I probably am). I am going to love it when people actually walk the walk and our inner beauty is actually realized as what defines our worth.
That's all!
Love, love, love, and light,
~m
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