Do you have them? I know I've gotten asked a few times lately what mine is, and it's kind of hard to define. If I had to put it in a sentence, I guess it would be, "Stop expecting life to be like a movie and make it like one."
I have waited passively for love to come tripping over my doorstep. I have stared wistfully out the window and wondered when adventure would find me. No longer. I am heading into the gale, wrapped up in a cloak of courage and reckless exploration. This is where I stop writing the life I want and go out and make it.
In fifty years, I want grandchildren nestled around my feet, listening to me tell of climbing mountains and trekking the world over. I want my daughter and granddaughters to know that nothing about exploration, courage, daring, and excitement are for men only.
I saw a movie recently where the main character had great adventure and great love. I can plan a great adventure...I can make reservations, get tickets, cram some stuff in a pack, plan itineraries...but I can't plan or schedule affairs of the heart. I can easily see myself scaling some of the greatest mountains in the world and hiking some of the most prolific pilgrimage trails, working my way to being a development director in this or another amazing nonprofit, writing a book or two, but I just can't envision a man....well, quite frankly, a man awesome enough for me and my kids. Arrogance? Fear?
For now, I will do what I can. I will excel in my career, I will be the best mom I can be from day to day, and I will dust off the pack and boots and go walking the earth again. I will make certain there are days I power down the laptop, leave the phone at home, and go have time with my friends- beers over campfires, home-cooked meals around snug tables, game nights leaving us laughing hysterically into the night. I'll engage my neighbors and community more and enlist the help where I truly need it (like the sweet lady in our neighborhood that has repeatedly offered her home for us to come visit and to watch the kids when I need it). I'll stop trying to be superwoman and realize it truly does take a village and let others help when they offer it.
Resolutions aren't just for New Year's. Some of my most life-changing "resolutions" happened only when I was utterly fed up with where I was or my circumstances and decided on the spot to make changes. I made the decision to move away from Norfolk in about ten seconds, standing in my garden with my bare feet in damp soil and my skirt brushing the leaves of my sprawling pumpkin plants...I knew I couldn't bear the sights and sounds of the life I had built with my husband once he left, so in the few seconds between when I got a particular voicemail and my neighbor called over the fence I knew I must leave.
Rarely do these epiphanies happen to occur on December 31st. What we can do today, however, is reflect back on the year now behind us and see where we want to chart our course for better results over the next year. Maybe today isn't the day for resolutions for you, but it's a good starting point for reflection and contemplation. I'm busy with the work I love today, but this evening I will take a few moments in quiet solitude to send forth massive gratitude to the heavens for the gifts I've received this year, the doors that have opened, the opportunities I've had to shine, and for the ongoing wealth of motherhood. Through this contemplation, natural resolutions shall emerge. I hope you all find a moment to do the same.
Happy New Year, and onward and upward we go!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Sunday, December 29, 2013
13 Things I Learned in 2013
Inspired by a friend, I'm going to reflect on the past year and things I learned this annum.
They are not in any particular order, and may not be lessons complete...aren't we all in a continual learning curve?
1. Life isn't fair. If you know me very well, you may be saying, "Gee, Melissa, you should probably know that by now." Well, yes, it's been one of those ongoing lessons, but it really hit home hard and fast in January when my landlord evicted my family because she didn't want to make necessary repairs on her property, even when I had cash in hand in court to pay her made-up-on-the-spot "fee". My parents did give me one thing: a hard work ethic, and I work hard and do my best to meet my obligations. Although I was working at Starbucks at the time and receiving no financial assistance, I was still giving her rent, even when there was a massive leak and three out of the five appliances in the house didn't work properly. So was it "fair" when she suddenly and on the coldest day of the year evicted us? Nope. Was it supported by the laws of SC with loopholes a slum lord could drive a truck through? Unfortunately, yes, and the judge read this woman for filth in the courtroom but ultimately had no choice but to do the most he could- give us ten extra days. Ten days to find a home for my kids on a Starbucks paycheck. Which leads me to #2...
2. True friendship will be proven in hard times. If someone were to ask you how many friends you have, would you flippantly toss out a triple digit number? Double digit? Not I. Single digits. Because I consider a friend not someone who will take shots with you on your birthday or show up for a party at your house, but someone who will hold your hand while you cry, who you can talk about your most serious issues with, and when times are really dark, a doorway of light opens and in they walk. Last year was super, super hard for my little family- divorce, unemployment, moving, short sale of a house whose value tanked when the housing bubble burst....it was really, really hard. And some of the most unexpected people came to my aid. Beginning from my going away party in VA where dozens of supposed "friends" were "too busy" to come by to say goodbye, yet some unexpected faces showed up, to worrying about paying bills last Christmas, much less getting gifts, and receiving checks in the mail, again from very unexpected sources, and then having two friends let me crash on their couch until my apartment was ready, discovering true friendship has been like kicking up diamonds in the sand....wasn't mining for them, they just appeared when I needed them.
3. Mastering self-control is changing my life. You wouldn't know it to look at me right this minute, thanks to some crappy medication that caused me to gain a bunch of weight, but I learned a lot about my relationship to food, my love life, my career, and my goals this year. When I'm frustrated or stressed, it's super hard to see beyond five steps ahead of me, which is, to a degree, natural. However, if the "stress" is just working in a demanding, creative work environment, some degree of sustainable stress management is a must. This strategy must not involve Krispy Kreme in any way, for the record. I can't tell you how many times I've had to take a minute and do some deep breathing techniques at my desk because emails were pouring in faster than I could keep up and the deadlines on many projects were circled in red and approaching fast. Managing stress at work is one thing...when affairs of the heart are involved, it gets even more complicated, but that's a whole 'nother point on its own. If you can nail down what you're eating every day, when you're getting exercise and how, and how to politely and professionally handle stress at work, you're already doing better than probably 90% of us.
4. Never, ever, ever settle, even if it means being alone. This one stinks because people are social creatures and like being with a partner. But being lonely and alone is way better than being miserable with a partner. This is the most important lesson I've learned in regards to my relationships. If someone has existing issues (I mean, to a point, we all have some kind of issues, but I'm taking about addiction or serious issues), let it go. Unless you're like..a therapist and looking for a real-life residency, don't get wrapped up with someone who already has serious problems. I'm not trying to point fingers at all here, like I said we all have issues, but you can choose what additional drama you want brought into your life and when to say no thanks.
5. Loving myself! Sometimes my brain gets stuck in seventh grade, where I was in total angst over my grunge style (not exactly the norm in rural Kershaw, SC), my gangly limbs, my mousey brown hair, and the fact that Curtis Small, my total crush, didn't know I existed. Neither did Jared Leto, but I only knew him through the console tube in my parent's living room on 'My So-Called Life'.
I still have a grunge style. More than one pair of my jeans is ripped to hell, I still own flannel, if given the preference I would rarely wear makeup, and my biggest shoe purchases are Chucks and hiking boots. I can doll it up when necessary, and even enjoy doing so from time to time, but it's not my norm. At all. I've come to love that about myself. In a sea of daytime-TV-watching, Spanx-wearing, commercial women, I am utterly and unabashedly me, and I've found the more I love myself, the more people are comfortable accepting me as well. There's also an immense freedom in leaving your house in whatever the heck you want because you legitimately do not care what the cashier at the store or the ticket boy at the theater thinks. On impulse last week, I took myself to a movie. The one I wanted to see started at 6:50...I live 25 minutes from the theater and it was 6:15 when I decided I wanted to go and started looking online at buying a ticket. I threw on whatever jeans were on top of the stack in the drawer, a black T from a coffeehouse where I used to work, chucks, and pulled my hair back. I may have looked slightly homeless, but I was totally stoked to be seeing a good movie where I could eat my own popcorn, not have to escort a kid to the bathroom, not have to feel awkward in front of a date about laughing too loudly, putting my feet up, or checking my email during the boring parts. It was spectacular to enjoy being me, to "date" me, and not worry about fitting into society's standards of what I "should" look like (or act like). I can honestly say, overall, I'm more comfortable in my skin than ever.
6. Let go of the little stuff. My house is never magazine-photo perfect. At least one of my kids, on any given day, is wearing mismatched [though clean!] socks. I use swear words but try daily to not. I am a part-time vegan. I spoil my dogs and let them sleep on my bed. (I also spoil my children and let them sleep on my bed, so it gets crowded sometimes). I heard once the "Five Year Rule", so I go by that faithfully. If it's not going to matter in five years, let it go. It will positively not matter one iota in five years how long your kids' hair is in ninth grade, so if he wants it halfway down his back, let him. I'm a lot more laid-back than many of the parents where I currently live, whose prim and proper dockers-clad children kinda creep me out...they're like quiet robots. My kids are always questioning, exploring, experimenting, and I just try really hard to clean up after them and encourage them to keep on figuring stuff out. Genius isn't bred in time-out.
7. Mistakes are OK. Goes for everyone in the family. We all make mistakes; it's simply human. The problem comes with repeating the same mistakes. Then it's not a mistake, it's a bad habit and has to be stopped. My first cigarette in 2000 was a mistake. The next seven years were a bad habit. Sometimes I fall back into the bad habit, when I'm super stressed or around someone a lot who does it, but not so much anymore. The more I get comfortable saying "no", the less I fall back into old habits...oh, wait, that's my very next point...
8. Got comfortable with my limits and then got comfortable enforcing them. Good segway...thanks, me! One of the most valuable things I've learned this year is how to say no, how to politely but firmly set limits, and how to professionally set limits and identify behavior I won't tolerate in the workplace. Working for a tyrant made for a horrible office environment and constant, almost crippling stress, as we were expected to perform way beyond our hours, our skill set, and demanded to produce nearly impossible results with no support and nothing but criticism. I was unsure how to set limits and being a natural people-pleaser, I kept trying to jump higher and higher to meet her never-attainable goals (wasn't just me- the whole office received this treatment). After leaving there, I vowed to never again allow myself to be treated like that at work. When it came close recently, I immediately took steps to set limits on professional contact and how I will be addressed. It's not ego- it's common courtesy. I have never sent someone a work email demanding something be done "NOW", so I don't expect to receive such an email, particularly from a peer (not a boss). It's OK to set boundaries and establish expectations from those around you, whether in a professional sense or in your personal life. I'm the same way with personal relationships- my last boyfriend said some really offensive stuff, and I immediately called him on it and it was one of the factors that ultimately led me to exit the relationship. The way you let people talk to you is the way they will talk to you....how do you want to be addressed? Then demand that.
9. Savor moments in real-life, not through a lens. Put away the phone, the tablet, etc. Watch the world through your eyes, experience it with your body, and remember it in your mind- not a memory card. Could you watch a first-person video of someone walking the El Camino Santiago and see the sights? Sure. Is that the same as actually making the trek yourself? Seriously? Of course not. I've learned to live my life in 3D by actually being present.
10. I may never be at peace with the church. I tried going to a local church...pleasant place with friendly people and all was going well...and then *BAM*. The "L" word was dropped like a little ticking time-bomb in a Sunday School lesson. "Liberal". My smile was frozen in place as I tried to process that somehow in the teaching of the history of the church, this guy found it necessary to comment on liberals. In church. When talking about second century Rome. Sigh. It bugged me...it bugged me a lot. So I tried to shrug it off as one guy's opinion and personal bias when the head minister of the church, in his prayer to start off the church service, mentioned "government leaders" and remembering and returning to the traditional Christian values of our forefathers. Now I'm not going to debate this here, but that's largely bullcrap. Our nation's forefathers established a little baby nation full of pilgrims and refugees looking to escape religious persecution and control, and a few of our beloved forefathers were Sunday, Easter, and Christmas Christians only. Anyway, once political issues were mentioned twice in one day in a church, it was like a burr under my skin and just nagged and nagged at me. The modern day church has a lot more to worry about with the exodus of parishioners without becoming political activists. Most people go to church for spiritual guidance and fellowship, not to be told who to vote for, yet that's exactly what's happening. I seriously hope 2014 will bring the opportunity to visit a church that will speak to me on a spiritual level and not a political/social one, and we'll continue to visit churches until we find our home.
11. Be true to yourself always, in every situation, in all ways. I have two little tattoos on the insides of my wrists. They still make me smile sometimes because they are so perfectly me, and they were a total impulse thing. I mean, I knew the phrases that I wanted, but I was messing around with fonts at work, printed them out in a font I liked, and on my lunch break, I got them inked on and went back to work. It was reckless and while I don't usually recommend getting tattoos without a lot of thought and consideration, I just happen to be the kind of person that overthinks everything to death, so when I let myself make a rash decision [that's not harmful], it usually ends very well.
12. Choose the people in your life very, very carefully. Some people we're born with, and you can't help who's in your family. But when choosing a partner, especially one you're going to have kids with, be very, very careful. You can get a divorce, but that means your children will be going, without you, to that person's house several times a year. If they made crappy decisions while you were married and lacked good parenting skills, it won't be any different, only now you're not going to be in the house providing a buffer for your kids. The most painful lesson I've learned this year is that our divorce didn't actually mean I was rid of him forever...now I have to release my precious babies to him for a few weeks a year and pray they come home safe and sound. It's always mind-numbingly stressful.
13. There's this big blue ball...and you only get one go-round... if you've known me for a bit, you've probably heard this from me. It's my motto. [I had it before "YOLO", so I call dibs]. It's true, though...take it from a philosophy major who's literally lain awake at night having an existential meltdown. Sometimes, I just get in the car and just drive, not really knowing where I'm going. I like to just leap off into the unknown and breathe it all in. Live it up. When there's music, for God's sake, dance! When there's laughter, freely join in. Read as many books as humanly possible during your life. Read everything you can get your hands on, because next to physical contact and face-to-face contact, reading the words another human took the time to craft is the most meaningful and intimate contact humans can have. Instead of 'liking' and 'sharing' those breathtaking landscape pictures on Facebook and Tumblr, find the place on a map, buy a ticket, and go there. Take your own damn picture for your friends to 'like' and 'share'. Make the world your playground. Drink the best wine you can afford. Eat from the fruits of the earth and not the chemicals of its factories. Remember, "the unexamined life is not worth living". If there's one lesson that I continued to explore in 2013 and will keep learning is to go forth with a curious and humble spirit, shut my trap, and absorb all the world has to offer!
They are not in any particular order, and may not be lessons complete...aren't we all in a continual learning curve?
1. Life isn't fair. If you know me very well, you may be saying, "Gee, Melissa, you should probably know that by now." Well, yes, it's been one of those ongoing lessons, but it really hit home hard and fast in January when my landlord evicted my family because she didn't want to make necessary repairs on her property, even when I had cash in hand in court to pay her made-up-on-the-spot "fee". My parents did give me one thing: a hard work ethic, and I work hard and do my best to meet my obligations. Although I was working at Starbucks at the time and receiving no financial assistance, I was still giving her rent, even when there was a massive leak and three out of the five appliances in the house didn't work properly. So was it "fair" when she suddenly and on the coldest day of the year evicted us? Nope. Was it supported by the laws of SC with loopholes a slum lord could drive a truck through? Unfortunately, yes, and the judge read this woman for filth in the courtroom but ultimately had no choice but to do the most he could- give us ten extra days. Ten days to find a home for my kids on a Starbucks paycheck. Which leads me to #2...
2. True friendship will be proven in hard times. If someone were to ask you how many friends you have, would you flippantly toss out a triple digit number? Double digit? Not I. Single digits. Because I consider a friend not someone who will take shots with you on your birthday or show up for a party at your house, but someone who will hold your hand while you cry, who you can talk about your most serious issues with, and when times are really dark, a doorway of light opens and in they walk. Last year was super, super hard for my little family- divorce, unemployment, moving, short sale of a house whose value tanked when the housing bubble burst....it was really, really hard. And some of the most unexpected people came to my aid. Beginning from my going away party in VA where dozens of supposed "friends" were "too busy" to come by to say goodbye, yet some unexpected faces showed up, to worrying about paying bills last Christmas, much less getting gifts, and receiving checks in the mail, again from very unexpected sources, and then having two friends let me crash on their couch until my apartment was ready, discovering true friendship has been like kicking up diamonds in the sand....wasn't mining for them, they just appeared when I needed them.
3. Mastering self-control is changing my life. You wouldn't know it to look at me right this minute, thanks to some crappy medication that caused me to gain a bunch of weight, but I learned a lot about my relationship to food, my love life, my career, and my goals this year. When I'm frustrated or stressed, it's super hard to see beyond five steps ahead of me, which is, to a degree, natural. However, if the "stress" is just working in a demanding, creative work environment, some degree of sustainable stress management is a must. This strategy must not involve Krispy Kreme in any way, for the record. I can't tell you how many times I've had to take a minute and do some deep breathing techniques at my desk because emails were pouring in faster than I could keep up and the deadlines on many projects were circled in red and approaching fast. Managing stress at work is one thing...when affairs of the heart are involved, it gets even more complicated, but that's a whole 'nother point on its own. If you can nail down what you're eating every day, when you're getting exercise and how, and how to politely and professionally handle stress at work, you're already doing better than probably 90% of us.
4. Never, ever, ever settle, even if it means being alone. This one stinks because people are social creatures and like being with a partner. But being lonely and alone is way better than being miserable with a partner. This is the most important lesson I've learned in regards to my relationships. If someone has existing issues (I mean, to a point, we all have some kind of issues, but I'm taking about addiction or serious issues), let it go. Unless you're like..a therapist and looking for a real-life residency, don't get wrapped up with someone who already has serious problems. I'm not trying to point fingers at all here, like I said we all have issues, but you can choose what additional drama you want brought into your life and when to say no thanks.
5. Loving myself! Sometimes my brain gets stuck in seventh grade, where I was in total angst over my grunge style (not exactly the norm in rural Kershaw, SC), my gangly limbs, my mousey brown hair, and the fact that Curtis Small, my total crush, didn't know I existed. Neither did Jared Leto, but I only knew him through the console tube in my parent's living room on 'My So-Called Life'.
I still have a grunge style. More than one pair of my jeans is ripped to hell, I still own flannel, if given the preference I would rarely wear makeup, and my biggest shoe purchases are Chucks and hiking boots. I can doll it up when necessary, and even enjoy doing so from time to time, but it's not my norm. At all. I've come to love that about myself. In a sea of daytime-TV-watching, Spanx-wearing, commercial women, I am utterly and unabashedly me, and I've found the more I love myself, the more people are comfortable accepting me as well. There's also an immense freedom in leaving your house in whatever the heck you want because you legitimately do not care what the cashier at the store or the ticket boy at the theater thinks. On impulse last week, I took myself to a movie. The one I wanted to see started at 6:50...I live 25 minutes from the theater and it was 6:15 when I decided I wanted to go and started looking online at buying a ticket. I threw on whatever jeans were on top of the stack in the drawer, a black T from a coffeehouse where I used to work, chucks, and pulled my hair back. I may have looked slightly homeless, but I was totally stoked to be seeing a good movie where I could eat my own popcorn, not have to escort a kid to the bathroom, not have to feel awkward in front of a date about laughing too loudly, putting my feet up, or checking my email during the boring parts. It was spectacular to enjoy being me, to "date" me, and not worry about fitting into society's standards of what I "should" look like (or act like). I can honestly say, overall, I'm more comfortable in my skin than ever.
6. Let go of the little stuff. My house is never magazine-photo perfect. At least one of my kids, on any given day, is wearing mismatched [though clean!] socks. I use swear words but try daily to not. I am a part-time vegan. I spoil my dogs and let them sleep on my bed. (I also spoil my children and let them sleep on my bed, so it gets crowded sometimes). I heard once the "Five Year Rule", so I go by that faithfully. If it's not going to matter in five years, let it go. It will positively not matter one iota in five years how long your kids' hair is in ninth grade, so if he wants it halfway down his back, let him. I'm a lot more laid-back than many of the parents where I currently live, whose prim and proper dockers-clad children kinda creep me out...they're like quiet robots. My kids are always questioning, exploring, experimenting, and I just try really hard to clean up after them and encourage them to keep on figuring stuff out. Genius isn't bred in time-out.
7. Mistakes are OK. Goes for everyone in the family. We all make mistakes; it's simply human. The problem comes with repeating the same mistakes. Then it's not a mistake, it's a bad habit and has to be stopped. My first cigarette in 2000 was a mistake. The next seven years were a bad habit. Sometimes I fall back into the bad habit, when I'm super stressed or around someone a lot who does it, but not so much anymore. The more I get comfortable saying "no", the less I fall back into old habits...oh, wait, that's my very next point...
8. Got comfortable with my limits and then got comfortable enforcing them. Good segway...thanks, me! One of the most valuable things I've learned this year is how to say no, how to politely but firmly set limits, and how to professionally set limits and identify behavior I won't tolerate in the workplace. Working for a tyrant made for a horrible office environment and constant, almost crippling stress, as we were expected to perform way beyond our hours, our skill set, and demanded to produce nearly impossible results with no support and nothing but criticism. I was unsure how to set limits and being a natural people-pleaser, I kept trying to jump higher and higher to meet her never-attainable goals (wasn't just me- the whole office received this treatment). After leaving there, I vowed to never again allow myself to be treated like that at work. When it came close recently, I immediately took steps to set limits on professional contact and how I will be addressed. It's not ego- it's common courtesy. I have never sent someone a work email demanding something be done "NOW", so I don't expect to receive such an email, particularly from a peer (not a boss). It's OK to set boundaries and establish expectations from those around you, whether in a professional sense or in your personal life. I'm the same way with personal relationships- my last boyfriend said some really offensive stuff, and I immediately called him on it and it was one of the factors that ultimately led me to exit the relationship. The way you let people talk to you is the way they will talk to you....how do you want to be addressed? Then demand that.
9. Savor moments in real-life, not through a lens. Put away the phone, the tablet, etc. Watch the world through your eyes, experience it with your body, and remember it in your mind- not a memory card. Could you watch a first-person video of someone walking the El Camino Santiago and see the sights? Sure. Is that the same as actually making the trek yourself? Seriously? Of course not. I've learned to live my life in 3D by actually being present.
10. I may never be at peace with the church. I tried going to a local church...pleasant place with friendly people and all was going well...and then *BAM*. The "L" word was dropped like a little ticking time-bomb in a Sunday School lesson. "Liberal". My smile was frozen in place as I tried to process that somehow in the teaching of the history of the church, this guy found it necessary to comment on liberals. In church. When talking about second century Rome. Sigh. It bugged me...it bugged me a lot. So I tried to shrug it off as one guy's opinion and personal bias when the head minister of the church, in his prayer to start off the church service, mentioned "government leaders" and remembering and returning to the traditional Christian values of our forefathers. Now I'm not going to debate this here, but that's largely bullcrap. Our nation's forefathers established a little baby nation full of pilgrims and refugees looking to escape religious persecution and control, and a few of our beloved forefathers were Sunday, Easter, and Christmas Christians only. Anyway, once political issues were mentioned twice in one day in a church, it was like a burr under my skin and just nagged and nagged at me. The modern day church has a lot more to worry about with the exodus of parishioners without becoming political activists. Most people go to church for spiritual guidance and fellowship, not to be told who to vote for, yet that's exactly what's happening. I seriously hope 2014 will bring the opportunity to visit a church that will speak to me on a spiritual level and not a political/social one, and we'll continue to visit churches until we find our home.
11. Be true to yourself always, in every situation, in all ways. I have two little tattoos on the insides of my wrists. They still make me smile sometimes because they are so perfectly me, and they were a total impulse thing. I mean, I knew the phrases that I wanted, but I was messing around with fonts at work, printed them out in a font I liked, and on my lunch break, I got them inked on and went back to work. It was reckless and while I don't usually recommend getting tattoos without a lot of thought and consideration, I just happen to be the kind of person that overthinks everything to death, so when I let myself make a rash decision [that's not harmful], it usually ends very well.
12. Choose the people in your life very, very carefully. Some people we're born with, and you can't help who's in your family. But when choosing a partner, especially one you're going to have kids with, be very, very careful. You can get a divorce, but that means your children will be going, without you, to that person's house several times a year. If they made crappy decisions while you were married and lacked good parenting skills, it won't be any different, only now you're not going to be in the house providing a buffer for your kids. The most painful lesson I've learned this year is that our divorce didn't actually mean I was rid of him forever...now I have to release my precious babies to him for a few weeks a year and pray they come home safe and sound. It's always mind-numbingly stressful.
13. There's this big blue ball...and you only get one go-round... if you've known me for a bit, you've probably heard this from me. It's my motto. [I had it before "YOLO", so I call dibs]. It's true, though...take it from a philosophy major who's literally lain awake at night having an existential meltdown. Sometimes, I just get in the car and just drive, not really knowing where I'm going. I like to just leap off into the unknown and breathe it all in. Live it up. When there's music, for God's sake, dance! When there's laughter, freely join in. Read as many books as humanly possible during your life. Read everything you can get your hands on, because next to physical contact and face-to-face contact, reading the words another human took the time to craft is the most meaningful and intimate contact humans can have. Instead of 'liking' and 'sharing' those breathtaking landscape pictures on Facebook and Tumblr, find the place on a map, buy a ticket, and go there. Take your own damn picture for your friends to 'like' and 'share'. Make the world your playground. Drink the best wine you can afford. Eat from the fruits of the earth and not the chemicals of its factories. Remember, "the unexamined life is not worth living". If there's one lesson that I continued to explore in 2013 and will keep learning is to go forth with a curious and humble spirit, shut my trap, and absorb all the world has to offer!
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Overly Emo Melissa
There are a few things I shouldn't do when faced with a weekend evening alone:
1. drink wine, especially red
2. listen to Ed Sheeran and/or Citizen Cope
3. watch or read any romantic anything.
Generally I hang out with my friends a lot when the kids are out of town, and this week was no exception. I love being able to spend time with them and not have to be worried about rushing home for the sitter. However, and perhaps more markedly so because most of my friends are couples, it never fails that I have one evening of total, unabashed self-pity where I bemoan my singleness and reaffirm my suspicion that I will, indeed, be alone forever.
I'm sure all of you have heard that I am planning a trip to Ireland this summer. Many of my friends have asked, aghast, "You're going alone?!" Why not? I do everything else alone. Like...everything.
It's OK. I'm just being pitiful right now. 95% of the time I'm totally a strong, independent woman, too busy, quite frankly, with my career and kids to concern myself with such frivolous matters of the heart. The other 5%, typically after the kids have been gone for a while and the house has just gotten too quiet, I can toe the line to Bridget-Jones'-Diary-esque misery. It will pass.
Frankly, one of the reasons I'm taking this trip is to expand this part of myself...to allow my independence to blossom and flourish in a new and unexpected environment and add another stamp of "I don't need no man" to my resume (although fixing my own car and plumbing and supporting myself and my family has pretty much affirmed that). I just have a burgeoning worry that being so independent will preclude any possibility of a fair and balanced relationship when the opportunity does present itself.
And this is why Melissa doesn't sit at home alone on a Saturday night...
1. drink wine, especially red
2. listen to Ed Sheeran and/or Citizen Cope
3. watch or read any romantic anything.
Generally I hang out with my friends a lot when the kids are out of town, and this week was no exception. I love being able to spend time with them and not have to be worried about rushing home for the sitter. However, and perhaps more markedly so because most of my friends are couples, it never fails that I have one evening of total, unabashed self-pity where I bemoan my singleness and reaffirm my suspicion that I will, indeed, be alone forever.
I'm sure all of you have heard that I am planning a trip to Ireland this summer. Many of my friends have asked, aghast, "You're going alone?!" Why not? I do everything else alone. Like...everything.
It's OK. I'm just being pitiful right now. 95% of the time I'm totally a strong, independent woman, too busy, quite frankly, with my career and kids to concern myself with such frivolous matters of the heart. The other 5%, typically after the kids have been gone for a while and the house has just gotten too quiet, I can toe the line to Bridget-Jones'-Diary-esque misery. It will pass.
Frankly, one of the reasons I'm taking this trip is to expand this part of myself...to allow my independence to blossom and flourish in a new and unexpected environment and add another stamp of "I don't need no man" to my resume (although fixing my own car and plumbing and supporting myself and my family has pretty much affirmed that). I just have a burgeoning worry that being so independent will preclude any possibility of a fair and balanced relationship when the opportunity does present itself.
And this is why Melissa doesn't sit at home alone on a Saturday night...
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Is it "fat shaming" if....?
*whispers* If you have to ask, it is.
I've seen a lot of articles lately about the topic- Upworthy and Mighty Girl, among other sites, have been all over this. I'm kind of in a weird place on this subject, and a very sensitive place, because my body has betrayed me once again....
About five months ago I began a new medication. This is after losing a lot of weight and feeling really great about the way I looked for the first time in years. My diet habits didn't change that drastically, but wow...I've started putting on weight again. That, combined with other side effects, made me nix that medication two weeks ago.....aaaand now I'm back to square one with weight to lose again.
But more than the "gotta lose weight" issue, there's such a plethora of fat shaming for real, legit, going on in our world. Being someone who, this time last year, was getting hit on on a regular basis, to this year is invisible (I'll expound on that), I can attest that being "fat" leads to a whole different world.
By nature, I'm a pretty confident person. I typically feel comfortable in my skin and don't have much of an issue with intimacy or being comfortable in most settings. When I gain weight, though, I feel like I am taking up more space than I'm allowed in the world. Does that make sense? I literally feel like I am imposing on other's space because I am 2 inches bigger in diameter than my allotted universe-space, and that is such an uncomfortable feeling. I don't think I look bad, necessarily, although I'm totally socially brainwashed into thinking I'm "less pretty", but the way it makes me feel is horrible.
I call my weight my "cloak of invisibility" because it TOTALLY IS. Twenty pounds less and guys will smile, make small talk in line, etc. Now I can sit and people-watch to my heart's desire because no one gives me a second glance. Being kind of an introvert, I'm kind of OK with that, but the underlying reason definitely doesn't make me feel great.
A friend shared a book with me called Confessions of a Fat Runner. Four chapters in and I'm actually nodding and agreeing with so many of her descriptions of herself and her relationship to food, exercise, and her weight. She runs at least ten miles a week and has for years and still isn't "skinny". Some women just are not built that way. My body is especially sensitive to factors aside from diet and exercise, whether it's medication or hormones, and 2 years ago I discovered that stress that raises my blood pressure directly affects my thyroid (overheard once: "Thyroid...haha, yeah right. Every fat woman's excuse."), so when I have a lot of stress at work or at home, I can gain weight eating a handful of rice and water every day. It's nuts.
The kids are I are always conscious of what we eat. They have all learned about healthy habits at home and it's been confirmed at school, so they do seriously want to always have bananas, oranges, apples, carrots, and other fruits and veggies in the house. So even my kids are supportive of a healthy diet. [Tell that to my size ten jeans.] We are currently working to eliminate sugar in our house after 2 kids had cavities at their most recent dental visit, and that will be our next-biggest hurdle (the switch to whole wheat pasta a couple of years ago almost incited riots). Don't get me wrong- we don't have a lot of cookies/candies, etc. lying around, but we drink a lot of juice instead of water (lots of natural sugars...too many).
But here's the crux of the issue: although the grocery shopping and cooking conversation does factor around health, what is the message that my daughter is truly getting (and sons- more boys are getting eating disorders now)? Do they really think it's about health or do they see my excitement when I fit in my skinny jeans and think it's about clothing size and appearances? It's all exhausting- positively exhausting.
Oh, and try to convince a new guy you're a really cool chick with an awesome personality while wondering if he's eyeballing the exits, figuring out how to get away from 'the fat girl'.
I know this has been somewhat of a rambling rant with no conclusion or solutions, but I'm hoping someone can sympathize or relate and perhaps we can provide another voice or two in the resounding chorus against fat shaming. I know people, women, who purposely eat everything they can trying to gain weight and can't, and then women who work out, can run miles and miles, but look "fat"...and for each of those women in their personal situations, it sucks.
I also know some really "cool", "progressive" hipster types that claim to be all about inner beauty but only date women who look like models and surround themselves with mostly beautiful people (they may throw in a token fat girl for appearances...and, yes, I'm serious....and if you're wondering if I'm talking about you, I probably am). I am going to love it when people actually walk the walk and our inner beauty is actually realized as what defines our worth.
That's all!
Love, love, love, and light,
~m
I've seen a lot of articles lately about the topic- Upworthy and Mighty Girl, among other sites, have been all over this. I'm kind of in a weird place on this subject, and a very sensitive place, because my body has betrayed me once again....
About five months ago I began a new medication. This is after losing a lot of weight and feeling really great about the way I looked for the first time in years. My diet habits didn't change that drastically, but wow...I've started putting on weight again. That, combined with other side effects, made me nix that medication two weeks ago.....aaaand now I'm back to square one with weight to lose again.
But more than the "gotta lose weight" issue, there's such a plethora of fat shaming for real, legit, going on in our world. Being someone who, this time last year, was getting hit on on a regular basis, to this year is invisible (I'll expound on that), I can attest that being "fat" leads to a whole different world.
By nature, I'm a pretty confident person. I typically feel comfortable in my skin and don't have much of an issue with intimacy or being comfortable in most settings. When I gain weight, though, I feel like I am taking up more space than I'm allowed in the world. Does that make sense? I literally feel like I am imposing on other's space because I am 2 inches bigger in diameter than my allotted universe-space, and that is such an uncomfortable feeling. I don't think I look bad, necessarily, although I'm totally socially brainwashed into thinking I'm "less pretty", but the way it makes me feel is horrible.
I call my weight my "cloak of invisibility" because it TOTALLY IS. Twenty pounds less and guys will smile, make small talk in line, etc. Now I can sit and people-watch to my heart's desire because no one gives me a second glance. Being kind of an introvert, I'm kind of OK with that, but the underlying reason definitely doesn't make me feel great.
A friend shared a book with me called Confessions of a Fat Runner. Four chapters in and I'm actually nodding and agreeing with so many of her descriptions of herself and her relationship to food, exercise, and her weight. She runs at least ten miles a week and has for years and still isn't "skinny". Some women just are not built that way. My body is especially sensitive to factors aside from diet and exercise, whether it's medication or hormones, and 2 years ago I discovered that stress that raises my blood pressure directly affects my thyroid (overheard once: "Thyroid...haha, yeah right. Every fat woman's excuse."), so when I have a lot of stress at work or at home, I can gain weight eating a handful of rice and water every day. It's nuts.
The kids are I are always conscious of what we eat. They have all learned about healthy habits at home and it's been confirmed at school, so they do seriously want to always have bananas, oranges, apples, carrots, and other fruits and veggies in the house. So even my kids are supportive of a healthy diet. [Tell that to my size ten jeans.] We are currently working to eliminate sugar in our house after 2 kids had cavities at their most recent dental visit, and that will be our next-biggest hurdle (the switch to whole wheat pasta a couple of years ago almost incited riots). Don't get me wrong- we don't have a lot of cookies/candies, etc. lying around, but we drink a lot of juice instead of water (lots of natural sugars...too many).
But here's the crux of the issue: although the grocery shopping and cooking conversation does factor around health, what is the message that my daughter is truly getting (and sons- more boys are getting eating disorders now)? Do they really think it's about health or do they see my excitement when I fit in my skinny jeans and think it's about clothing size and appearances? It's all exhausting- positively exhausting.
Oh, and try to convince a new guy you're a really cool chick with an awesome personality while wondering if he's eyeballing the exits, figuring out how to get away from 'the fat girl'.
I know this has been somewhat of a rambling rant with no conclusion or solutions, but I'm hoping someone can sympathize or relate and perhaps we can provide another voice or two in the resounding chorus against fat shaming. I know people, women, who purposely eat everything they can trying to gain weight and can't, and then women who work out, can run miles and miles, but look "fat"...and for each of those women in their personal situations, it sucks.
I also know some really "cool", "progressive" hipster types that claim to be all about inner beauty but only date women who look like models and surround themselves with mostly beautiful people (they may throw in a token fat girl for appearances...and, yes, I'm serious....and if you're wondering if I'm talking about you, I probably am). I am going to love it when people actually walk the walk and our inner beauty is actually realized as what defines our worth.
That's all!
Love, love, love, and light,
~m
Time for a check in, friends!
Hi guys. I know it's been a while. My bad. The whole "gainfully employed" thing has really put a cramp in my writing :)
So we're going to catch up on several facets of my life since, as you all know, I love sharing my personal angst and joy for the world to see (and empathize or smile with me). Those facets will be, in no certain order, my kids, my job, my love life, and my sanity. You know you wanna know...
I guess I'll start with my job since it's been what's keeping me away from my beloved blog. It's a fantastic, challenging, complex job that keeps me on my toes and sometimes just flat out exhausts me. Because I'm very passionate about our organization, I am very, very inclined to work over forty hours a week...and then I forget how that affects the balance in all other aspects of my life. My time with my children in the evening shouldn't be me glued to a computer. Also, my kids shouldn't feel guilty that I have to leave work to pick them up [read: neither should I], yet I do and we struggle with it. Sans kids, I would work there seven days a week, all day, every day. I have so many ideas and projects in the wings that I flat out don't even get time to develop. My goals for work going into the New Year are two-pronged: stop making myself so available to everyone after hours when my priority needs to be having one-on-one time with my kids, and develop strategies for getting all these ideas into fruition. It's been a tiring and sometimes frustrating month, but at the end of the day I positively love this job and my coworkers and am blessed beyond belief to be here.
Who knows I love to talk about my kids? *raises hand*. Duh. Grayson is so smart it's just nuts, and he's beaming and grinning ear to ear every evening to tell me what he learned that day. The G&T program was exactly what he needed to light that fire. We're looking at med school, although he had a little hiccup a few weeks ago where he lied to me about a project and just didn't do it, thus receiving a well-deserved F and resulting in him being pulled out of basketball for the winter. He'll return to sports in the spring with baseball, but he got the message. Callie continues to push her artistic limits as she gracefully glides into this teeny-hipster persona. She wanted motorcycle boots for Christmas, and she's getting a guitar and a camera so she can really branch out and start exploring more artistic forms. While Grayson is pretty much a conformist and likes to wear what the others are wearing and not look out of place at all, Callie embraces her unique style and her confidence has led other girls to start to imitate her. I love that she loves herself so much! And baby John, he has just come out of his shell a lot this year. Pre-K was rough for him, and even the first weeks of kindergarten were rough as he was pretty shy and not used to being away from us all day, but he has really found his feet and taken off running. From not being able to identify all the letters of the alphabet in August (no matter how much coaching and assistance) to now writing short sentences and reading, he just needed that light bulb to come on and when it did, he took off with it. He's still less social than the other two and will probably always be kind of a shy guy, but at least he does have a couple of friends at school now and is getting more comfortable being with other people than family.
So..on to the love life (or lack thereof). My boyfriend and I are no longer together, but there's no blame whatsoever. I just flat out didn't have the time to commit to him that he deserved. There was a culmination of a lot of things at once: new job, kids starting school, fall sports, and my whole life was dedicated to them and work and it's really only just recently eased up some. I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I lay in bed and listen to Imagine Dragons and think I will never, ever find someone for me who will perfectly fit in all the weird niches in my life. That's just my emo moments, though, and they pass. Right now I'm trying to consciously *not* think about it and live my life. I miss having regular adult human interaction but it's not fair to ask someone else to adjust to or commit to such a stilted relationship. For the most part, I'm happy most days and don't think about it more than in passing, so it's fine. (Of course I'm sitting a coffeeshop on a rainy day listening to old school Get-Up Kids, so I'm naturally more emo right this second on this topic...LOL.)
My sanity?! What sanity! My life is positively nuts! No, kidding...you know where I'm finding sanity? When I clear my head?
You ready?
Steam cleaning. I bought a steam cleaner and when I need to just chill, I steam clean my carpets. Seriously. It's like therapeutic for me. I've also decided my New Year's resolution will be to spend more time with my friends, social time for myself, sans kids. Before Friday night, it had been months since I did anything outside of family stuff. I need adult interaction and to blow off steam sometimes. So I signed up for a care.com account and will be hiring a regular sitter to get out more, even if it's just going to dinner with my friends, I've *got* to get out more. I don't think being with my kids 24/7 makes me a better mom; in fact, I'm pretty sure it makes me frustrated and tired and snippy with them.
So that's my life in a nutshell....work, work, work, kids, and trying to maintain sanity. I'll also try to get back to writing more as a release, so the blog will be getting updated more regularly and hopefully I can get these creative juices flowing again.
Much love, peace, and light.
Namaste, friends!
So we're going to catch up on several facets of my life since, as you all know, I love sharing my personal angst and joy for the world to see (and empathize or smile with me). Those facets will be, in no certain order, my kids, my job, my love life, and my sanity. You know you wanna know...
I guess I'll start with my job since it's been what's keeping me away from my beloved blog. It's a fantastic, challenging, complex job that keeps me on my toes and sometimes just flat out exhausts me. Because I'm very passionate about our organization, I am very, very inclined to work over forty hours a week...and then I forget how that affects the balance in all other aspects of my life. My time with my children in the evening shouldn't be me glued to a computer. Also, my kids shouldn't feel guilty that I have to leave work to pick them up [read: neither should I], yet I do and we struggle with it. Sans kids, I would work there seven days a week, all day, every day. I have so many ideas and projects in the wings that I flat out don't even get time to develop. My goals for work going into the New Year are two-pronged: stop making myself so available to everyone after hours when my priority needs to be having one-on-one time with my kids, and develop strategies for getting all these ideas into fruition. It's been a tiring and sometimes frustrating month, but at the end of the day I positively love this job and my coworkers and am blessed beyond belief to be here.
Who knows I love to talk about my kids? *raises hand*. Duh. Grayson is so smart it's just nuts, and he's beaming and grinning ear to ear every evening to tell me what he learned that day. The G&T program was exactly what he needed to light that fire. We're looking at med school, although he had a little hiccup a few weeks ago where he lied to me about a project and just didn't do it, thus receiving a well-deserved F and resulting in him being pulled out of basketball for the winter. He'll return to sports in the spring with baseball, but he got the message. Callie continues to push her artistic limits as she gracefully glides into this teeny-hipster persona. She wanted motorcycle boots for Christmas, and she's getting a guitar and a camera so she can really branch out and start exploring more artistic forms. While Grayson is pretty much a conformist and likes to wear what the others are wearing and not look out of place at all, Callie embraces her unique style and her confidence has led other girls to start to imitate her. I love that she loves herself so much! And baby John, he has just come out of his shell a lot this year. Pre-K was rough for him, and even the first weeks of kindergarten were rough as he was pretty shy and not used to being away from us all day, but he has really found his feet and taken off running. From not being able to identify all the letters of the alphabet in August (no matter how much coaching and assistance) to now writing short sentences and reading, he just needed that light bulb to come on and when it did, he took off with it. He's still less social than the other two and will probably always be kind of a shy guy, but at least he does have a couple of friends at school now and is getting more comfortable being with other people than family.
So..on to the love life (or lack thereof). My boyfriend and I are no longer together, but there's no blame whatsoever. I just flat out didn't have the time to commit to him that he deserved. There was a culmination of a lot of things at once: new job, kids starting school, fall sports, and my whole life was dedicated to them and work and it's really only just recently eased up some. I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I lay in bed and listen to Imagine Dragons and think I will never, ever find someone for me who will perfectly fit in all the weird niches in my life. That's just my emo moments, though, and they pass. Right now I'm trying to consciously *not* think about it and live my life. I miss having regular adult human interaction but it's not fair to ask someone else to adjust to or commit to such a stilted relationship. For the most part, I'm happy most days and don't think about it more than in passing, so it's fine. (Of course I'm sitting a coffeeshop on a rainy day listening to old school Get-Up Kids, so I'm naturally more emo right this second on this topic...LOL.)
My sanity?! What sanity! My life is positively nuts! No, kidding...you know where I'm finding sanity? When I clear my head?
You ready?
Steam cleaning. I bought a steam cleaner and when I need to just chill, I steam clean my carpets. Seriously. It's like therapeutic for me. I've also decided my New Year's resolution will be to spend more time with my friends, social time for myself, sans kids. Before Friday night, it had been months since I did anything outside of family stuff. I need adult interaction and to blow off steam sometimes. So I signed up for a care.com account and will be hiring a regular sitter to get out more, even if it's just going to dinner with my friends, I've *got* to get out more. I don't think being with my kids 24/7 makes me a better mom; in fact, I'm pretty sure it makes me frustrated and tired and snippy with them.
So that's my life in a nutshell....work, work, work, kids, and trying to maintain sanity. I'll also try to get back to writing more as a release, so the blog will be getting updated more regularly and hopefully I can get these creative juices flowing again.
Much love, peace, and light.
Namaste, friends!
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