I just finished reading Anne Lamott's Traveling Mercies. I've never read a more poignant account of finding faith.  A lot of what she describes resonates so deeply with me.

She writes of her childhood in the sixties, and many people my age say we "wish" we grew up then. She assures us we do not, in fact, want to grow up then. Drug and alcohol use and abuse rampant, philandering parents, openly broken homes, political strife, the feeling of never quite being settled or at peace- none of this was fodder for a healthy childhood. Lamott, like many of her generation, recklessly abused drugs and alcohol until making a spiritual decision to get and stay clean.

Her story to finding faith chronicles some especially difficult times, getting clean one of them, and then the more mundane issues that face women universally, over all generations and times; our self-esteem. Lamott scrutinizes every aspect of her being, from the hair on her head to the dimples on her thighs, in excruciatingly familiar detail. Me personally? My hair is thin but I have lots of it...so it appears voluminous until I want to put it up or do something with it, when it shows its painful thinness. My collarbones are never as pronounced as I'd like, no matter how much weight I lose. My belly...three kids. Forget it. My thighs stubbornly and with the resolve of prisoners of war refuse to smooth themselves, no matter how small they get, and retain their dimples along the backside, just under my butt. I have what I consider "man hands" from too much scrubbing with Clorox around the house, my pinkie toes barely have toenails, and I was teased mercilessly about having "buck teeth" from 6th grade until ninth, when the rest of my face caught up to the Chiclets shoved in my mouth, so I'm still terrifically self-conscious about my smile.  So when I read her accounts of struggling with self-acceptance, I want to grab her and give her a huge hug. She writes of walking down a beach in Mexico while vacationing with her son in a one-piece bathing suit that's admittedly too small with no cover-up. The bravery! The heroic courage! I still wouldn't walk around without a cover-up, and may never again.

I couldn't identify with the first part of the book, which chronicled the drug abuse. The only drug I've ever had interested in doing was marijuana because it's a plant, all-natural, and no chemicals. I've never had a desire to do any chemical or man-made drugs (pharmaceuticals included!), so I just couldn't identify with that aspect of her story except to feel very strongly for the pain that was so severe it drove her to such lengths. I've always maintained a very strong boundary with alcohol, as well, feeling an extraordinary weight of responsibility being a single mother to not set a bad example and not allow myself to be "messed up" when my children need me, which is always. But even before I had children, I refused to let myself be "an addict". I have an older brother who ran the gamut of substance abuse and criminal behavior and, in my mind, an addict is quite possibly the worst thing a human being can be, so I curtailed my behavior accordingly. However, I've used food in place of drugs or alcohol in my life, and so I could identify with Lamott's resolve and courage when she didn't go to rehab or some other "program"; she found the peace and strength within herself to stop the substance abuse and get clean, one day at a time. When she detailed the self-negotiation and "deals" (only two beers today), I heard, "Sure, stop on the way home and get the cheeseburger...I'll work out tomorrow. It's OK." and completely identified. Oh, the wheelin' and dealin' we do with ourselves over our vices.

Lamott's long and winding road to finding faith is also very familiar to me, and I fear I still am on the journey to the front gate and haven't found the peaceful inner voice that she has. She talks of being still and listening to God, and then trusting that voice. That's the part that gets me...putting trust in this nameless, faceless, voiceless...thing. I have tangible, real needs...how is some invisible man going to provide concrete results? I grew up in a religious household, unlike Lamott, and know much of the Bible backwards and forwards, yet nowadays I'm hearing Christians use the book to make others hate each other, and I want no part of that. I won't darken the door of any church that wouldn't just as readily accept a black family or a gay couple as they would accept my white face and the white, well-scrubbed faces of my children. And because of that, I have no community of faith to fall into as Lamott did when she finally gave herself up to the quiet, still voice.

I had hope when I moved to SC and less than a mile from my home was a big "Community Church", to which I was planning a visit when a "prayer group" came into Starbucks and quite loudly and self-righteously condemned Obama, the democratic party, homosexuals, unmarried couples "living in sin" and on..and on...and on....until I felt I was going to be physically ill. Other customers went green around the gills as well and quickly left. They weren't praying for anyone, they were united in hatred against all of those people, and that is a real and distinct difference that needs to be acknowledged and addressed by the Christian church as it's driving away more and more people. Lamott just happened to find an open, affirming church who helped her through getting clean, becoming a single mother, and raising her child as a village..a united family in Christ, concerned more about making sure they had clothes on their back and food in their bellies than criticizing and belittling her struggling faith. I firmly believe this is where the true spirit of Christ is found, and this is how she came to develop such a strong faith was through the fellowship and community of a good church.

I'm going to be picking up more of Lamott's books. I identify very strongly with her. Struggling single mom, struggling to write, struggling to make a living with a craft when, as she puts it, "The job at the Laundromat looms around the corner," struggling with faith, struggling with our own minds and internal dialogue....it's a constant struggle punctuated with glowing days of light, happiness, friendship, children's hugs, small rays of enlightenment, self-love, and peace. I dig it.

~m