A new way of communicating...

So over the past few years, I've undergone a conscious and intentional process of self-improvement. From eating better to being more environmentally conscious, volunteering my time, being a better friend, being a better mom, etc.

Now I'm tackling what seems to be one of my most difficult challenges yet: to stop yelling.

OK, when I say "yelling", I'm not saying I walk around screaming like some old Italian grandmother all the time.  Sometimes I'm just yelling into the other room because I don't want to walk in there. It's not always angry, but it does create a very loud environment around the house, especially when you have three mini-me's who are picking up the habit, as well.  Four people yelling, a couple of them in much higher registers. It gets loud.

So my latest challenge is to take the time to stop folding laundry or doing what I'm doing, walk into the other room, and quietly ask the kids to pick up their toys or if they've finished their homework, and, if I'm angry, to stop, breathe, and address the problem quietly instead of immediately yelling.

This is hard, undoing a lifetime of this habit. My mother yelled and spanked...so did everyone else's moms in the '80's!  I'm not blaming her- that's how she was raised. On top of that, we were raised in a "children should be see and not heard" type of household, so my frustration at not having my feelings heard or validated would boil over and I would yell, as if projecting my voice louder would project my feelings to my parents at a level at which they would have listen and notice (which they did not, I would just get spanked or grounded). One of the biggest issues that I've had with my relationship with my parents is my feeling (and it continues to this day), that they do not listen, respect, or acknowledge my feelings but rather dismiss them as trivial, immature, overly-emotional, etc.

Now, as a mom, at Grayson's baseball game, his Papa and I were both yelling to him. "Keep your eye on the ball! Get behind that ball! Get under that ball! Hey, focus, Gray! Keep your head in the game," and finally, from second base where he's waiting for the batter to hit a modest line drive so he could dash around to home and possibly get his team another run, he yells to me and his Papa, "HEY, I GOT IT! LET ME DO IT."  Well.  OK, then. If I had publicly yelled at my parents like that, I would've gotten snatched up so fast my head would spin. Yet before I opened my mouth, I took stock of the situation.  Grayson already had two other, unrelated coaches yelling at him throughout the game. At the end of that inning, I snagged him as he was running into the dugout. I whispered into his ear, "You're doing great. Have fun and just look over there and I'll be there supporting you. I won't yell any more."  He grinned and went back to the game, and nailed the last two innings, catching every ball and connecting with a solid pop fly that went uncaught, letting him make it to second base while two tow-headed 8 year olds scrambled for the ball. I think having someone quietly supporting you instead of loudly dictating your every move makes for a better and more enjoyable learning experience.

So I'm trying to translate this into daily life at home. After a ten-day battle of trying to get the kids to clean their room without caving and doing it for them, their room was finally clean.  And it wasn't done until I figured out that I was just giving a general "clean your room" to an 8 yr old, 6 yr old, and 5 yr old. They had no clue where to even begin and were so overwhelmed that they would end up sitting in the middle of the mess and playing with whatever toy was nearest.  So when I broke it down into doable task, the results were clear: eight days of yelling= no results, two days of calmly instructing with simple tasks=clean room.

Score one for common sense.


I'm experimenting with the concept of treating kids like mini-adults.  Now, obviously this doesn't apply across the board...they're kids and need instruction and guidance as they grow.  However, more so than the content of what we're saying, perhaps reevaluate the way we're talking to our children. Are we "talking down" to them? And can they sense that? So to attempt to ascertain this, I instituted evening "family meetings" with the kids a few months ago.  In the evening, after dinner and after baths, just before bed, we sit down at the kitchen table with drinks (it started with Callie with her chamomile tea and then the boys wanted hot chocolate) and talk about our day. I ask them everything from what they learned that day to how their feelings were hurt that day. Rules are: no TV, no radio, no computer, no distractions, and everyone must contribute something to the conversation. The kids think it's so "mature" because they're holding mugs and having a "meeting", so they really ACT mature: speak calmly and quietly, take turns, don't talk over one another, listen carefully...it's amazing. And sometimes they'll say, "YOU hurt my feelings today, Mom, when you shushed me when I was trying to tell you something."  Hey, I never said I was perfect...but it's very cool to learn from that and get and keep open communication about these things with your kids.

Since the beginning of the nightly meetings, the rate of yelling has drastically decreased in our home. I've heard the kids having arguments in their room that includes the words, "I feel that.." and "This isn't respectful to my stuff," so I have faith we're moving in the right direction. Me included.

Do you have issues with yelling in your home?  What methods of communication do you use with your kids, your spouse, your roommates, etc. to avoid raising voices?  Comment, email, share, etc.

~m