I'm back.

So, at great risk of rambling and producing the longest possible blog entry to date, I'm going to make a point to say a few things and cover just the most basic of what's happened over the past six months.  Let's go.

First of all, screw Lifetime.  Yes, the network.  They brutally underprepared me for the life of a single mother. And here's where I will stop myself to throw another note in there: some of this post may sound like whining.  Please stop, put yourself in my shoes, and ask if you would be thrilled to be in these circumstances...and then proceed.  I have grown tired of my own mental deluge of whining lately, but I can't chastise myself too harshly as it is most definitely warranted.

I have developed a love/hate relationship with money, mostly hate, because I haven't been this broke since I was nineteen years old, and then it wasn't terrifying because I didn't have three mouths to feed.  This has quite literally been the scariest time of my life as I faced the possibility of not being able to provide for the people I hold more dear than any other on the planet...my children.  I have scraped and scrimped as much as humanly possible.

I won't go into the details of how this situation developed; I'll leave it at everything.fell.apart.  The fellowship, the job, everything dissolved before my eyes (through no fault of my own, which is infinitely more frustrating).  It was like watching water slip through your fingers and trying desperately to snatch it back.  And this is only the financial aspect of it.  So let's address the personal...

I moved down here with the naïve and simple hope that my friends and especially family would be a bigger part of our lives.  Many of my friends have stepped up to that plate, especially Kyle and Keisha...they've become like family.  I'm pretty convinced they're saints or angels or something. And I slowly began making friends, especially after the J-word.

The J stands for Jason.  Let's discuss, as all some of you may know is a few super-emo Facebook posts or nothing at all.  So I decided to "get out there", which is lingo for "date after a really long time of not dating".  After meeting a few guys for coffee and being pretty blasé about the whole thing, I met Jason.  He was charming, sweet, cute, down to earth, funny, a little quirky (which I really like in a guy...I can't see myself in a khakis man for any length of time).  We hit it off smashingly!  Dates, having lunch on both our lunch breaks in the city, snuggling in the corner of the coffeeshop sharing earbuds listening to the random music we both liked...sigh.  I should have known it was too good to be true.  I am not Claire Danes. I found out he had been dating someone else the entire time. The. entire. time. The lies were so many and so complex...it made my head spin. 

I retreated into myself.  Friends convinced me not to do that, to rise above.  So I dated a few other guys before discovering the depth to which I had been burned.  I just can't do it for a while.  I was, and still am, deeply, deeply hurt and recovering.

And as far as the family aspect, I'm also confused, tired, and hurt over being nearly completely ignored by my family after moving 400 miles, away from my whole life, to be closer to them.  They had been distant for a while, yes, but I thought that was due to the physical distance.  I was wrong, and had to learn that the hard way.  I am choosing to not engage this particular emotional battle at this time and  if a situation were presented in which an amicable relationship is presented, without all of the work being on my shoulders, I would be open to that.  No such interest has been shown.  That's where I am letting it lie for the present time.  That doesn't make it hurt any less.

Back to the friends...I have made some new, wonderful, hysterical, amazing friends that have helped pick me right up off my ass and pushed me on.  I won't dare list them because I'll surely panic and forget someone and unintentionally hurt someone, but you all definitely know who you are. Especially if I crashed at your house for a while (or did you notice me among the cats?).  I love you guys so much.

So.....after all this turbulence and rockiness, I feel like a buoy, bouncing along waiting for the next storm....floating, looking for solid ground.  I'm scared of failure again and had to spend the money I had long awaited like ripping off a Band-Aid- quickly and trying not to think about it.  Not that I spent frivolously.  We don't have a couch, I didn't have a car, the boys didn't have bed frames, and I didn't have a computer (which is somewhat vital to me, my sanity, and being able to take care of bills as well as write as much as I can and see if I can't start getting paid for it).  Also need it to look for a good job.  So I didn't go buy TVs or iPads or other nonsense; it was stuff we NEED. And I was still panicking, checking my account on my phone between every purchase, terrified it would go away and I would be broke again and wondering how I was going to get groceries.  Needless to say, I've socked much of that away, after paying John's school tuition for the rest of the year, which was my last major expense, and getting a little ahead on bills.

I guess what I'm saying is that I now panic over money, over supporting my family, over feeding the kids. It's an awful, terrible feeling and I doubt I'll ever forget it. 

The words you never want to hear in your sweet child's voice..."Mommy, why are we poor?"  Failure.

I have never bought into the materialistic crap.  I never have spent money at the mall on name-brand clothes; I literally, seriously, no-joke LIKE buying clothes thrift.  Seriously.  Clothes are utilitarian...why spend so much money? I've never lusted after electronics and gadgets, so I never thought I needed to get the six-figure job to support my "lifestyle" because my lifestyle is so modest.  I'd rather spend money on tattoos, if I'm going to splurge, or works of art from local artists.   But now I'm having to adjust my mindset that I now have three other little people living with me who have their own relationship with money and, while I definitely don't have to indulge it, I do have to respect that they may place a higher weight on some of those things and that's not necessarily wrong.  Grayson loves gadgets and video games, which are priced like some kind of fountain-of-youth-gold-ruby-water. It's ridiculous.  But he's good at them and likes them a lot, and is willing to work his tooshie off around the house to earn them.  Callie is beginning to want nice clothes.  John is like me- if he could leave the house in pajama pants and a hoodie, he totally would...every day.  He will play with a stick for hours and doesn't lust after video games; if they're on, he'll play, if not, he doesn't notice.  So I am having this sinking realization that the responsibility for meeting these new wants and needs (and it's only fair to reward their great academic achievement and good behavior with some of these things) is going to fall solely on me...for the next....two....decades (give or take).  It's enough to make me hyperventilate a little.

NOT that I'm going to sit here and point fingers at their dad.  He's had his fair share of total crap since moving to Kansas, the most recent of which was losing his grandfather, with whom he was very close, so I am not here to make anyone out to be the bad guy.  It's tough times, all around.

So here I am....in a surprisingly spacious apartment (and for the price...saving $200 a month, even more considering less utilities!), looking from my bedroom window to the balcony, which holds a few plants (herbs, lettuces, strawberry...just the beginning of a green balcony), a peaceful wind chime, and a view of absolutely nothing.  But it's super clean, the leasing staff are super friendly, and my rent's paid for the next couple of months plus I can stay ahead this way.  It's enough to break the stranglehold and breathe a sigh of relief....for now.  I remain tense and wary of what possible calamity could befall next, but at least if it's a financial one, I'm prepared. And I know I'll make it.  Through hell or high water, thick or thin, I'm still standing.  So I can do this.  And that's all I need to know.

I can do this.



Please keep reading my blog...I'm going to resume writing as near to daily as I can.  I'm also going to be writing, as I mentioned before, and trying to sell it.  And I'm thinking of putting down a bunch of words in a big collection and perhaps binding it into a package and trying to get someone to publish it.  We'll see.  Thank you, friends.