Melissa's Rules for Raising Amazing Children.

I just read this article on 21 ways to raise a feminist child and I love it!

So, I've got three kids and as I'm going through the list, I'm thinking...yep, yep, yep...that's about right, so I'm proud of my efforts to be a progressive parent.

My kids have grown up in an intentionally exposed environment.  When I worked at an AIDS agency, they frequently visited my office.  They also visited our attached LGBT center and made friends with a few transgender employees there, who were and are dear friends of mine.  Sometimes my children would ask, "Is that a man or a lady?" And I'd simply answer, as if answering what color the sky was right then.  No need to freak out or act weird, because those are non-verbal cues that your child will pick up on and proceed to think they need to freak out.

Now, after a few years of being in an open home, my kids ask questions like (when visiting my friends' Katelynn and Brooke's house), "Are you two wives?" and I let them answer.  I love that my children now understand and accept that there are more household types than one man/one woman.  I also love that they are curious, inquisitive, and not scared to voice their questions.

My kids have been to protests with me, and I always explain what's going on (in as appropriate a way as possible..Callie went with me to a protest in Richmond...no,  she didn't get an in-depth description of abortion.  What she got was a day where she saw thousands of women gathering to speak to their government in a civilized, respectful manner, where nothing but women (and a scant few boyfriends/husbands) took up signs, banners, armbands, and stood up for themselves and all women.  She kept her little armband emblazoned with "My Body, My Choice" in turquoise puffy paint, and it stays in her jewelry box with her other prized possessions.

So here begins what is, quite obviously, a shameless showing-off of my kids, but a list of what I've prioritized when raising them. The reason I've included pics is not only to show off my beautiful children, but to prove that I practice what I preach...I'm not making this shit up.

 Grayson is now 8, into musical theater and basketball, who is apt to dancing his way across the court and pretending to shoot free-throws on stage during rehearsals. He can read at a level two grades higher and has a crack mind, when it comes to logically destroying any parental argument ("Because I said so", etc).

Callie is 6, a self-affirmed vegan and artist, if given the preference would only wear Chuck Taylors (preferably black) for two years now, and has a real problem with cleanliness. She's my mirror image...absolutely the most "like me" of all of our kids: questions authority, stands up for herself yet deeply hurts privately when someone is mean (and she confides in me, which is so humbling), and may one day live in my basement while she figures herself out.

John is 5, wants to be a doctor yet has the cunning wit of a budding comedian/actor.  His curiosity and love are boundless, and he has spent the most time out of all of the kids (basically his whole life) deeply entrenched in the LGBT and activist communities and it has given him a deep and passionate empathy for others and a sparkling love of life, every day.  He's the least likely to complain, in any situation (including myself).  He rolls with the punches and has endless optimism.

So here are the rules with which I have raised my children to be the amazing people they are.  I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I am saying I'm doing a damn good job given what astounding people my kids are becoming.

#1) Above all else, love. Love, love, love.  We, as a family, are each others' best friends.  At the end of the day, after friends come and go, boyfriends/girlfriends break our hearts, for all of our lives, we have one another.  Be our best best friends.  Love and nurture your relationship with your family. Truly be best friends, and absolutely shower your children with love because one day they'll be gone and you can't give them a hug whenever you want.

 

#2) Love and respect animals.  We've had many pets...old dogs who have now crossed the bridge, puppies that are still frolicking, turtles, hermit crabs, you name it.  Teaching children to care for animals instills empathy, a gentleness of nature, and unconditional love like nothing other.





#3) Love reading. Love education. Love school. You get nowhere in life, no matter how big your dreams and ambition, without a solid education.  Read together. Make school a fun experience, not a dreaded end-of-summer-bummer.  Let your kids see you read. Don't wait until after they're in bed...read, all the time, in front of them so they see it's a viable and fun activity for adults, too.  Turn off the TV, throw a bunch of books in the living room floor, and have family reading time. Encourage older siblings to read to younger ones.  They love that...they eat it up. Encourage them to read above their level...read the paper, magazines, etc.
 




#4) Love Nature. No planet...no life. No nature...no life. Make sure your kids are out in nature, enjoying it, but also understanding how important it is to respect it and treat the earth well.  Volunteer to pick up trash together. Recycle, garden, hike, get out and enjoy nature as often as possible.




















#5) Love and respect ART. In all forms. Painting, writing, singing, dancing....enjoy art.  Take your kids to art museums (and don't giggle or act weird at the nudes). Take them to live art demonstrations. Give them easels, paints, paper, typewriters, instruments, whatever they need to flourish in the arts.  Growing the right side of the brain is just as important as growing the left.
 

#6) Maybe this should be first....LOVE YOURSELF. LOVE UNIQUENESS.  Love and adore your children's quirks and teach them to do the same.  We are all so gloriously different...let them be as weird, funny, goofy, as they want and never EVER, EVER try to stifle that and put them in some social-conforming box. Never crush a kids' spirit like that. If they're a boy and want long hair, let them. If they want to paint their nails, let them. If they typically behave as goofy as early-career Jim Carrey, let them.  If they want to pick out Rubix-cube sneaks for the first day of school, oh my God, how rad is that?  If they want to sing and dance on the sidewalk in the rain in front of rush hour traffic, OH MY GOD LET THEM.  Let them rise their faces to the sun, eyes closed, absorbing everything. Let your children live their lives to the fullest, because when they are adults, society may tamp down on that.  Let them be as free as possible for as long as possible.

#7) No gender rules.  If a boy wants to paint his nails, play with dolls, grow his hair, let him. If a girl wants to pay ball, get dirty in the yard, and not wear dresses, let her.  Why on earth would you not?  How would you like it if you hated wearing corduroy (as I do) and some asshole made you wear corduroy every single day?  What a horrible way to live!  Don't press gender roles on your kids...let their spirits develop naturally.  Society, school, and friends will be along soon enough to press gender assignments on your kids, but hopefully they'll be strong enough from an early childhood without those pressures to be secure in who they naturally are without the pink or blue airbrushing of society.

#8) Get them involved in politics.  Yeah, I'm serious.  They need to be informed on how their democracy works.  Use age-appropriate language, of course (don't go talking at a six year old about sequester....duh), but take them along to political events (and yes, this includes protests and rallies, provided they are peaceful, safe places for kids).  Kids need to see democracy in action. (By the way, John is wearing his Michael Jackson glove in this picture...the one he wore for a month straight after watching "This Is It" and learning every move.  They can totally express their individuality while supporting politics...LOL.)

#9) Embrace exposure to all walks of life. Now, I don't have a lot of pictures of this because I didn't want to take pictures of my kids in the LGBT Center or in my office as I felt like that looked (at the time) like a photo op.  When I worked at the AIDS agency and the LGBT center, my kids dropped by about 2-3 times a week. They would sit and talk, hang out, while I finished up, made copies, etc.  My home is an open environment...I have friends over all the time, and many times those friends are gay, transgender, bi, whatever.  The thing is, my kids don't know that, they just know that they are cool people.

This picture is from a community work-day where we freshened up the paint in the LGBT Center.  Grayson was playing chess with Julian, who Grayson will probably never realize is anywhere on the LGBT spectrum. Julian is an attorney, that's what stuck in his mind, as it should. Teach your kids to love people, not their labels or what box they fit in.  This is advice a lot of adults should heed, as well.

#10) Embrace responsibility.  Nobody gets a free ride in life.  You have to work.  Teach them early...chores are a mom's best friend.  You have absolutely no obligation, once they can walk and comprehend basic instruction, to pick up after them.  Teach them to take care of their own space, clean up their own messes, and take care of common spaces as a team. Trust me, their future roommates and partners will thank you.
My reward system worked great, and now we don't even have this poster anymore but the kids remember their basic chores.  Sometimes, if we're doing something extra like spring cleaning, I'll work out a system, "OK, I'll give you each five bucks to pitch in on your closet, pack up these summer clothes, and put everything away."  They get five bucks, I get a check on my cleaning list. Win/win.




So there it is....my rules, which I've learned all by experience and taking many, many wrong turns, to raising amazing kids.  And if you doubt it, give me a call and you can come hang out with some of the coolest kids you'll ever met and see for yourself.
~m

Raising kids in a recession...

"Even before the recession, that was more or less true. It's the dirty little secret of every middle-class person in their mid-thirties: Everybody's parents helped them out. Who do you think is paying for all those summer internships? How many new parents do you think actually have enough money for a Bugaboo stroller, let alone a down payment on a first home? And if you don't have a mom or dad who can help with ballet lessons for the kids or family vacations, God help you."

I can identify...my kids can't go to ballet lessons, or any other lessons for that matter, because I don't think I should go beg MY parents to pay for those things. Would they be nice to have? Sure! I'd love my kids to have those opportunities. But we can't afford it. Period. And ask my parents to foot the bill for my vacations? O_o. Seriously? Down payment on a home? Seriously? No, we can't afford vacations or a down payment on a home.....and we live with it. We live with thrift store clothes, ten year old cars, and long afternoons in the backyard with a sprinkler because that's the lot we're given. My husband and I both are vets, hard-working and thrifty, and we can barely scrape by. If we want something, we save a long time for it (like the facelift on our back porch, which was still done with LOTS of thrift store finds and repurposed stuff- and we felt it was a worthwhile investment b/c that's where we'll be spending our "vacations"). And we're still expected to pay on our friggin worthless student loans. Logan's starting his master's next month...will that help him find work? Maybe. Maybe not. And then it will be the most expensive gamble we've ever taken.

Yeah, it can be a crappy life. It's not like the ones we're promised in the "American dream". I have to tell my kids no ALL the time, to lessons of any kind, sports teams, name brand clothes, musical instruments, even most toys. They've learned to play with sticks, rocks, sand, random stuff in the yard, and the older generations (the ones whose kids had ponies and go-carts) tell me, "That's great! It'll build their imaginations!" Yeah, screw you. How can I look at my son playing ball in the yard and recognize he MAY have a great talent but we can't afford to put him on a measly Little League team to develop that talent. Wait for Fall Ball, son, it's free. Play with the other poor kids and have games against the other poor-kid teams, cause that will really hone your skills. I know you can fire a fastball hard enough to pop a board off the fence at age seven....but sorry, your talent has to wait until we can afford it.

We try really, really hard to make smart financial decisions. I feel guilty for paying for the good shampoo that doesn't make my hair look like fried straw like Suave does. Is that the American dream? For two people with college degrees?

And it's not going to get better. I've learned to be thrifty with my eyes closed...cheaper groceries, cheaper clothes, all thrift store, all repurposed, grow your own vegetables, cut meat out of your diet except once a week....and this is how I raise my kids. Am I to tell them to aim for college? Should they even go to college? It's a whole new frontier and we're expected to swallow the fact that we'll NEVER achieve the American dream while learning and inventing a whole new way of life and teach it to our children.

Hey, I'm not trying to be dramatic. I've read "Angela's Ashes"....I know we're not starving to death or having our children die of disease in our arms. I get it. But this isn't the life I was promised, either. If I worked my butt off to get a degree, if I served my country, then I should have a decent life and my children, who sacrificed YEARS of their childhood without their dad while he was continually deployed, definitely deserve a better lot than this.

Instead of giving Congress raises, give veterans raises. Give veterans bonuses. Give teachers, doctors, public servants raises and bonuses. Give them loan forgiveness. Give them a wage that will provide them and their families with a decent lifestyle, not scraping by and denying their children everything.

Read more: http://www.esquire.com/features/young-people-in-the-recession-0412-3#ixzz1qzXdsDWf

Wishing for everything to fall into place

I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll be able to get everything done that I need to get done. I need to pick up my letter of recommendation, my official transcript, and somehow get it to ODU before the end of this week. I really hope it all works out...once I've gotten it in my mind, it will be so disappointing if it all falls through.

Tonight I fed dinner to four children. The boys' dad worked late, and Janet dropped her son off so she could go to school tonight. So I did the only thing I knew from my parents....I made a casserole! Chicken, cream of mushroom soup, and some veggies...it was delicious and the kids wolfed it down! It was cheaper than nuggets or corndogs or anything like that, and the veggies in it made it a lot healthier.

Anyway, I'm going to do some of my homework for this week and then hit the hay at a reasonable hour, for a chance.

Running my butt off...

Whew! What a day! Callie had her trial class at The Little Gym, which is wonderful; unfortunately, it costs way too much...there's no way we can afford it. So we looked into the YMCA, and their family memberships cost less per month than Callie's membership at The Little Gym would have. So after we left, both she and I were worn out, so we went home and all took a nap on the couch, Callie on my left and John on my right. So after we woke up we went on our afternoon walk downtown...we talked to our favorite coffeehouse owners and they gave us some bananas for Callie (since she told them she's a monkey)...then strolled down to the market, sampled some wonderful Shiraz and got some garlic-rubbed pork chops...then we walked over to the mall and strolled around...so by the time we got home, Callie was worn out again so she took a nice nap. Then we went and got some envelopes to mail their pictures to all the relatives.


Sometimes it feels like I'm moving on autopilot when Logan's not here....just going through the motions until he comes home. I just can't wait for him to be home, although it's only going to be for about five days and then he's gone again. He's having some problems on the ship again, so I'm saying extra prayers for him to help deal with the negative people and all the problems he's going through.