In 2014 I Hope to...

Again, inspired by a friend...looks like Katherine's pushing me to blog this new year more than anyone else! :)

It's hard to rattle off a list of "what I hope to do this year" without sounding like an annoying list of resolutions that pretty  much everyone has, but I'll try.

1. Lose weight. Wait, don't leave!! Stick with me here! Between 2011-early 2013 I lost a total of 80 pounds. I was back to freshman year of college weight and loving it. And then I started using a medication. On largely the same diet and lifestyle, I gained thirty pounds back. Since I only discontinued use of this medication halfway through December and have already lost ten pounds, 1) I don't think the weight gain was "my fault", especially since other women record excessive weight gain as a side effect of this medication, and 2) it won't be difficult to lose the weight again...just annoying. It was annoying to meet a nice guy over Christmas as "the fat girl". It was annoying to pull out a pair of pants I thought I would never wear again all because of some stupid medicine. It was annoying to keep eating veggies, quinoa, etc. and still be gaining weight. It was annoying to not have control over my own weight like that. So I just wanna shed these annoying pounds as quickly as possible and get back to being myself again.

2. Professional growth...in a big way. Perhaps some people make goals of getting a promotion or reaching certain sales goals...now, we all know nonprofits don't work like that. You get a raise if you get Jay-Z to donate/speak at an event [in other words: never], and we can meet fundraising goals year after year..not really a big deal. But what I'm excited about, just so excited I can't stop working, night, weekend, vacation, is that I have found this special little groove where precisely all of my talents and skills work beautifully. When I head into work, I'm whistling, smiling, excited to be walking in the door. My coworkers are stunning people- smart, talented, kind, compassionate, professional yet they care like family. The particular team we have right now is one of the most productive, communicative teams I have ever seen in nonprofit development, much less had the privilege to work with. Obviously those who work in nonprofit development have the satisfaction of knowing they are raising money for a good cause- but to also know that your work is recognized, appreciated, and making a specific, real, and measurable difference...well that's a dream come true for us. I'm literally living my dream!

3. Exploration. Something clicked in my head this past fall, when doing one of my personal monthly budgets. I'm saving, and recently was looking at houses...but deep down, I have zero desire (in fact, was dreading) owning my own home right now. The thought of working a 50+ hour week, shuttling kids to/from practices/games/etc. and  then coming home to have to deal with mowing the lawn, a roof leak, a busted pipe...it's like my worst nightmare...I think it's any single mom's worst nightmare. I know that to some, especially down here in SC, living in an apartment or townhome is an instant sign of poverty- the "inability" to live in a home. Not only do I disagree, I think millions living in metro areas would also disagree. Living in an apartment is a lifestyle choice- it's a decision to not deal with a yard, with maintenance time and cost; it's convenience. That being said, when I looked at my five, ten, twenty year goals, traveling and exploration is at the top of that list. Suddenly a light bulb clicked on in my head and I was looking at this budget and the amount I've carefully marked to store away each month and realized I don't have to wait to travel to some of those places on my bucket list...the time is now! A few weeks later, I saw "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" and my mind was definitively made up- I came home that night and made reservations in hostels across Ireland and began planning my trip. The world is too vast to spend our life spinning wheels in circles in one little location...time to stretch the legs and get out a bit.

4. Being a better mom. This is on my list every year, and while there aren't really measurable results (I'm a statistics person...I like to see the numbers to back up any gain or loss), I think you can "feel" when it's working. This past year I tried to retire my spanking hand (I think there were less than ten spankings all year...among all three kids, so not bad), tried to eliminate yelling, and worked on spending time with each child, discovering their skills/talents and their interests. To my delight, two of my kids are nuts about Star Wars (whoo!), Callie is interested in music and art, and Grayson is at the age where his interests are beginning to determine the friends he has (for example, there are boys at his after-school program who just play football, and then there are those do homework together, read together, play football together, and play-act scenes from LOTR and other movies together...Grayson belongs with the latter set). While I can discuss with him that that makes him awesome- it makes him diverse, smart, creative, and well-rounded, it doesn't make it easier when the lead "football boy", a delinquent named [ironically] Judge, punches him in the arm every day and calls him a "f*ng dork". Grayson is a big boy, big for his age and set to be around 6'2" when he grows up, so add that to his intellect, his charisma, and his well-rounded character, and I have no doubt this "Judge" character is going to regret his decision to bully him in a few years, but for now it makes a tough situation for us. Navigating new and scary waters of life like this made me realize that "being a better mom" is always going to be on my resolution list, because every year it will be different challenges like this for us. At the end of the day, giving the kids lots of love, hugs, time, and listening is what I can do and what I will continue to do forever and ever.



So there are what I would list as my goals for 2014, although they are largely the same as last year and will most likely continue to be similar for years to come. Overall, improving myself and being the best me I can be...that's it. Some years are years for explosive growth and some are just rebuilding years...I feel like I'm coming off a rebuilding year and am heading full-force into some truly mind-blowing stuff! Just have to hang on for the ride...

Melissa's Rules for Raising Amazing Children.

I just read this article on 21 ways to raise a feminist child and I love it!

So, I've got three kids and as I'm going through the list, I'm thinking...yep, yep, yep...that's about right, so I'm proud of my efforts to be a progressive parent.

My kids have grown up in an intentionally exposed environment.  When I worked at an AIDS agency, they frequently visited my office.  They also visited our attached LGBT center and made friends with a few transgender employees there, who were and are dear friends of mine.  Sometimes my children would ask, "Is that a man or a lady?" And I'd simply answer, as if answering what color the sky was right then.  No need to freak out or act weird, because those are non-verbal cues that your child will pick up on and proceed to think they need to freak out.

Now, after a few years of being in an open home, my kids ask questions like (when visiting my friends' Katelynn and Brooke's house), "Are you two wives?" and I let them answer.  I love that my children now understand and accept that there are more household types than one man/one woman.  I also love that they are curious, inquisitive, and not scared to voice their questions.

My kids have been to protests with me, and I always explain what's going on (in as appropriate a way as possible..Callie went with me to a protest in Richmond...no,  she didn't get an in-depth description of abortion.  What she got was a day where she saw thousands of women gathering to speak to their government in a civilized, respectful manner, where nothing but women (and a scant few boyfriends/husbands) took up signs, banners, armbands, and stood up for themselves and all women.  She kept her little armband emblazoned with "My Body, My Choice" in turquoise puffy paint, and it stays in her jewelry box with her other prized possessions.

So here begins what is, quite obviously, a shameless showing-off of my kids, but a list of what I've prioritized when raising them. The reason I've included pics is not only to show off my beautiful children, but to prove that I practice what I preach...I'm not making this shit up.

 Grayson is now 8, into musical theater and basketball, who is apt to dancing his way across the court and pretending to shoot free-throws on stage during rehearsals. He can read at a level two grades higher and has a crack mind, when it comes to logically destroying any parental argument ("Because I said so", etc).

Callie is 6, a self-affirmed vegan and artist, if given the preference would only wear Chuck Taylors (preferably black) for two years now, and has a real problem with cleanliness. She's my mirror image...absolutely the most "like me" of all of our kids: questions authority, stands up for herself yet deeply hurts privately when someone is mean (and she confides in me, which is so humbling), and may one day live in my basement while she figures herself out.

John is 5, wants to be a doctor yet has the cunning wit of a budding comedian/actor.  His curiosity and love are boundless, and he has spent the most time out of all of the kids (basically his whole life) deeply entrenched in the LGBT and activist communities and it has given him a deep and passionate empathy for others and a sparkling love of life, every day.  He's the least likely to complain, in any situation (including myself).  He rolls with the punches and has endless optimism.

So here are the rules with which I have raised my children to be the amazing people they are.  I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I am saying I'm doing a damn good job given what astounding people my kids are becoming.

#1) Above all else, love. Love, love, love.  We, as a family, are each others' best friends.  At the end of the day, after friends come and go, boyfriends/girlfriends break our hearts, for all of our lives, we have one another.  Be our best best friends.  Love and nurture your relationship with your family. Truly be best friends, and absolutely shower your children with love because one day they'll be gone and you can't give them a hug whenever you want.

 

#2) Love and respect animals.  We've had many pets...old dogs who have now crossed the bridge, puppies that are still frolicking, turtles, hermit crabs, you name it.  Teaching children to care for animals instills empathy, a gentleness of nature, and unconditional love like nothing other.





#3) Love reading. Love education. Love school. You get nowhere in life, no matter how big your dreams and ambition, without a solid education.  Read together. Make school a fun experience, not a dreaded end-of-summer-bummer.  Let your kids see you read. Don't wait until after they're in bed...read, all the time, in front of them so they see it's a viable and fun activity for adults, too.  Turn off the TV, throw a bunch of books in the living room floor, and have family reading time. Encourage older siblings to read to younger ones.  They love that...they eat it up. Encourage them to read above their level...read the paper, magazines, etc.
 




#4) Love Nature. No planet...no life. No nature...no life. Make sure your kids are out in nature, enjoying it, but also understanding how important it is to respect it and treat the earth well.  Volunteer to pick up trash together. Recycle, garden, hike, get out and enjoy nature as often as possible.




















#5) Love and respect ART. In all forms. Painting, writing, singing, dancing....enjoy art.  Take your kids to art museums (and don't giggle or act weird at the nudes). Take them to live art demonstrations. Give them easels, paints, paper, typewriters, instruments, whatever they need to flourish in the arts.  Growing the right side of the brain is just as important as growing the left.
 

#6) Maybe this should be first....LOVE YOURSELF. LOVE UNIQUENESS.  Love and adore your children's quirks and teach them to do the same.  We are all so gloriously different...let them be as weird, funny, goofy, as they want and never EVER, EVER try to stifle that and put them in some social-conforming box. Never crush a kids' spirit like that. If they're a boy and want long hair, let them. If they want to paint their nails, let them. If they typically behave as goofy as early-career Jim Carrey, let them.  If they want to pick out Rubix-cube sneaks for the first day of school, oh my God, how rad is that?  If they want to sing and dance on the sidewalk in the rain in front of rush hour traffic, OH MY GOD LET THEM.  Let them rise their faces to the sun, eyes closed, absorbing everything. Let your children live their lives to the fullest, because when they are adults, society may tamp down on that.  Let them be as free as possible for as long as possible.

#7) No gender rules.  If a boy wants to paint his nails, play with dolls, grow his hair, let him. If a girl wants to pay ball, get dirty in the yard, and not wear dresses, let her.  Why on earth would you not?  How would you like it if you hated wearing corduroy (as I do) and some asshole made you wear corduroy every single day?  What a horrible way to live!  Don't press gender roles on your kids...let their spirits develop naturally.  Society, school, and friends will be along soon enough to press gender assignments on your kids, but hopefully they'll be strong enough from an early childhood without those pressures to be secure in who they naturally are without the pink or blue airbrushing of society.

#8) Get them involved in politics.  Yeah, I'm serious.  They need to be informed on how their democracy works.  Use age-appropriate language, of course (don't go talking at a six year old about sequester....duh), but take them along to political events (and yes, this includes protests and rallies, provided they are peaceful, safe places for kids).  Kids need to see democracy in action. (By the way, John is wearing his Michael Jackson glove in this picture...the one he wore for a month straight after watching "This Is It" and learning every move.  They can totally express their individuality while supporting politics...LOL.)

#9) Embrace exposure to all walks of life. Now, I don't have a lot of pictures of this because I didn't want to take pictures of my kids in the LGBT Center or in my office as I felt like that looked (at the time) like a photo op.  When I worked at the AIDS agency and the LGBT center, my kids dropped by about 2-3 times a week. They would sit and talk, hang out, while I finished up, made copies, etc.  My home is an open environment...I have friends over all the time, and many times those friends are gay, transgender, bi, whatever.  The thing is, my kids don't know that, they just know that they are cool people.

This picture is from a community work-day where we freshened up the paint in the LGBT Center.  Grayson was playing chess with Julian, who Grayson will probably never realize is anywhere on the LGBT spectrum. Julian is an attorney, that's what stuck in his mind, as it should. Teach your kids to love people, not their labels or what box they fit in.  This is advice a lot of adults should heed, as well.

#10) Embrace responsibility.  Nobody gets a free ride in life.  You have to work.  Teach them early...chores are a mom's best friend.  You have absolutely no obligation, once they can walk and comprehend basic instruction, to pick up after them.  Teach them to take care of their own space, clean up their own messes, and take care of common spaces as a team. Trust me, their future roommates and partners will thank you.
My reward system worked great, and now we don't even have this poster anymore but the kids remember their basic chores.  Sometimes, if we're doing something extra like spring cleaning, I'll work out a system, "OK, I'll give you each five bucks to pitch in on your closet, pack up these summer clothes, and put everything away."  They get five bucks, I get a check on my cleaning list. Win/win.




So there it is....my rules, which I've learned all by experience and taking many, many wrong turns, to raising amazing kids.  And if you doubt it, give me a call and you can come hang out with some of the coolest kids you'll ever met and see for yourself.
~m