When do feminists need to back off?

So a friend made an interesting post this morning about Saudi women now being able to legally ride bicycles.

Um, yeah...just the thought that riding a bike is a social advancement for some women in the world...wow.

But....what if some women didn't want to ride bikes?  Like...seriously...felt it went against their religion, their propriety, whatever?  Obviously that doesn't mean it should be illegal for any willing woman to ride a bike, but there's a point I'm trying to make.  Sometimes, from our "advanced" position, women like me can't fathom a woman who willingly, knowingly, makes the decision to submit, to honor her religion, her family, her husband, by being subservient.

Some feminists simply cannot wrap their minds around this one.

I think we've all seen this cartoon by now, so let's examine it:

I've had this general concept floating around in my head for quite some time, years in fact.  I grew up in a home that was more gender equal than they would dare admit.  My father picked us up from school, cooked most of our meals, did a lot of cleaning, and was never the "macho" type.  My mother had a great career, worked late evenings, had her fair share of meetings while Dad stayed home with us, and wasn't "feminine" in this new Botoxed and bleached version of the word. She's classically beautiful with modest style, minimal makeup, and simple clothes. Yet she was, and is, a minister's wife and has no problem slipping into that subservient role, even as a woman with a graduate degree, retired from a very successful career, with hobbies and interests all her own.  What?

Perhaps, and I'm coming to the realization more and more, perhaps this is a different plane of enlightenment.  There are women who know about gender roles, who know the history of oppression behind them, and yet, from an informed place, make the conscious decision to follow religious (or just personal/societal) customs, subjugate themselves to their husband's (or religion's) control.  Mind. Blowing.

So let's explore this phenomenon.

As a feminist pretty much surrounded (by choice) by feminists in the 21st century, I'm constantly looking out for the oppressed woman, doing my best to help them find their voice.  What if....their voice has been found but they don't want to be heard? Make sense?  What if they are happy, fulfilled, and satisfied being the subservient in the relationship, or by being a homemaker?

I recently had an embarrassing and shameful experience. After a woman who has repeatedly trolled my posts, articles, etc. with comments about gays made the comment, "Gay is a choice. That. Is. All.", I blasted her (that I don't regret), I copied her comment and reposted it (still, no regrets), but I made the observation about a "housewife" having the qualifications to make such a statement on the psychological state of all gays. Here I call myself a feminist, and I shame a woman for choosing to be a housewife.

That's embarrassing.  And wrong, wrong, wrong.  I do NOT regret making her comment public, I don't agree with her comment, but I was wrong to place this societal name-tag of "housewife" as a shameful thing.  For all I know, she does have a PhD; her status as a housewife doesn't preclude that possibility.  So I engaged in the ultimate oppressive language, particularly from one woman to another, and that was wrong.

So when we, educated, liberal, outspoken Western females, look at cultures in which a woman's place in the religious and home life has been set by hundreds, sometimes thousands of years of tradition, can we back off and respect the women who knowingly make the decision to fulfill their roles in their culture?  To admit that we can't conceptualize ourselves in such a lifestyle but still respect their decisions?

Recently the city of Paris attempted to outlaw burqas [purportedly for security reasons], and some Muslim women staunchly refused and protested the law because they asserted it was their chosen religious right to wear their burqas. Western women couldn't wrap our brains around the fact that these women weren't oppressed, forced kicking and screaming into their burqas, but put them on every day reverently and solemnly as an assertion of their religious right.  Sure, sure, there are women who don't want to wear them and shouldn't be forced to, but we have to understand that, just as many American women who follow conservative Christian teaching succumb to the authority of their husbands and male religious leaders, there are women in every culture and religion who knowingly submit.

So at what point are we in a post-feminist society? Will there ever be such a thing? So long as Middle Eastern cultures do force women into submission, so long as the Congo is using rape as a weapon of war, so long as fundamentalist Christian men are beating their wives behind closed doors and churches remain silent to the abuse epidemic, so long as rape victims are being blamed on college campuses, then we still need to push for full female equality.  I don't think we are anywhere near a post-feminist society, not even close.  But I think we do need to take a step back and observe that some women make a conscious, informed decision to follow certain cultural and/or religious traditions which we perceive as too submissive, and that that's ok.

Throw in your thoughts, observations, etc.  Feedback always, always welcome and loved.
~m

What is a modern feminist?

Listening to an interview with Tina Fey on NPR this morning as I was driving John to school, I thought about how much I admire her, not just for being a great comedienne and actress but having the guts to be openly and hilariously feminist.  In an almost "post-feminist" society where many feminists of the '60's and beyond are seen (and dismissed) as radical, crazy, closet lesbians with a hatred of men and sore shoulders from carrying that huge chip, there's a certain resistance among younger women to classify ourselves as feminists.


Then along come women like Tina Fey, who throw that word around like candy and revel in it!  She loves her feminist comedy, she remarks frequently on it and cracks jokes that level the playing field, subtly (and sometimes overtly) pointing out the absurdities in our society.  She high-fives our society's hard-hitting winners like Hillary Clinton and take back ownership of previously derogatory terms like "bitch". Take a listen:


Part of my obsession with Tina Fey stems from the fact that she does not take herself too seriously while still taking the subject matter very seriously.  She advocates tirelessly for women's rights and has no problem being seen as a proud, blatant feminist while still being a very active player in the Hollywood scene, putting her in a uniquely prime position to comment on our society and have the platform and visibility to reach millions while doing it.  She's no fawning Hollywood actress, however. She doesn't shy from speaking at political and activist events.  Here's a clip of her commentary on the definition of rape that shows just a bit of her passion and her fire- while still making jokes and keeping the tone light, her anger and disappointment is crystal clear:

So what inspiration does that give us, the third-wave feminists who were raised by moms with careers, cared for by fathers and daycares, who now stand outside state capitols to fight the legislators who think we'll stand by and ignore the attempt to revoke ground gained by Roe v. Wade, among other issues?  It shows us that you can be beautiful, smart, successful, witty, and call yourself a feminist.
You don't have to wear Birkenstocks.
You don't have to burn your bra.
You don't have to forgo makeup and pretty clothes.
You can revel in your femininity while demanding respect for your gender.

There have been countless women throughout history who have progressed the cause of women's rights but many have been expressed through artistic creation, mainly writing. Women began to shed light on their misery and unhappiness as far back as the 15th century with the publication of authors' Christine de Pizan and Anne Bradstreet's groundbreaking protofeminist writings. By the time the suffrage movement was officially in swing in the late 19th and early 20th century, dozens of female authors had introduced some level of feminist thought to most educated women in the world.

Women today, like myself, still struggle with the continuing themes of balancing motherhood and career, romantic ideals and equality in intimate relationships, and conveying a sense of proud ownership of our feminist status in the world. While not every feminist is regarded as a "radical" nowadays, the word does still carry a hefty weight in sociopolitical conversation.  With legislators and politicians nationwide circling back and taking a stab at deconstructing decades of women's rights, for which second-wave feminists fought tooth and nail, risking imprisonment and social condemnation, it's just as important now, if not more, that those of us who consider ourselves in the ranks of modern feminism rise up and stand firm for the rights of our neighbors, our daughters, and all women.

Do you consider yourself to be a feminist (this goes for men as well!)?  If not, why?  Do you agree or disagree with modern feminist thought and theory (that women should have equal pay for equal work, that reproductive rights are inherent civil rights in a free democracy, etc)?  Please comment below, share to your friends and colleagues, and start a conversation!