Facebook-Free: Day 4

OK, I'm not ashamed to admit that I kind of miss it. I moved about four years ago from VA, where I lived for just shy of a decade. I made a lot of friends there, and for a lot of them, Facebook is the only way I stay connected. I rarely have the time and/or funds to travel, so we keep in touch via social media. So I really do miss "seeing" them and reading about their lives.

So I peeked again. Weak! I know!

The very first thing I saw was a post, lengthy, rambling, angry, and..yes..political. I closed out immediately. So I guess the first real lesson I'm learning from this exercise is that I need to clean up my Facebook a lot. "Hide" a bunch of people. Probably just unfriend some.

Other than missing seeing a certain few people's life updates, I've been too busy to really over-think it. When the weekend comes it may be different.....we'll see!

Facebook-Free: Day Two

Everyone's done it. Decided enough was enough and walked off from the alluring blue and white scene for a while. I've seen people's profiles just mysteriously disappear, and I've seen the dramatic exeunt speeches. I didn't think much about my Facebook vaca: I saw a friend post a short, simple message including #FacebookFreeFebruary and I instantly loved it, posted a similar message, and deleted the Facebook app from my phone. Quick like a Band-Aid.

Day One was so busy with an all-staff meeting two hours away that I didn't miss it much. I rose at 5 am and didn't get home until almost 7, so I was too exhausted to care. I did cheat once and logged on via my laptop quickly, just enough to see a ranting headline (well, it was caucus day in Iowa, after all), so I shut it down.

Day Two has been more tempting. I typically eat lunch at my desk (I know, I know...#nonprofitlife), and during that time I usually scan Facebook, read the articles, catch up with friends, etc. I sat down with my lunch and opened up a new tab and actually typed "face" before I realized what I was doing! Man, am I an addict or what?! I opted to read the Greenville News instead (hard copy- newsprint fingers and all).

The lead article was one about who Rep Tim Scott is endorsing. I read it through, partially because Tim Scott is a rare Republican with whom I sometimes agree and don't loathe. Last week, I would have shared this article along with that very sentiment (even though...who cares?), and then been lambasted with comments loaded with the criticism and disappointment of my hard-line "liberal" friends and the cries from those on the other end that Tim Scott's not conservative enough! He's a pandering moderate at best!

But this...this is what we used to do, kids! We read our papers and, get this, formed our very own opinions in the quiet of our minds. If we really wanted to discuss this opinion we had, we'd meet up with friends in person (where it's a lot harder to be rude, condescending, or reproachful) to discuss said opinions over coffee, beer, or a meal. Still an open exchange of ideas, but with the filters of socially acceptable behavior.

I knew this month would be politically charged and that made the idea of a #FacebookFreeFebruary instantly appealing. I may experience more difficult withdrawal symptoms as the days wear on, but right now I'm perfectly content having my analog experience :)

Why feeding the hungry is hard

Some of you know that for the past several weeks, I've joined an existing group in Charlotte that goes uptown to deliver sandwiches, bottled water, snacks, and hygiene products to the homeless. It's been done for years and so many people gather along the route since they know we're coming.
[Let me be clear: this was not my idea, my project, my brainchild. A guy named Mike thought of it and another guy named Mike joined him and this is their baby. Not mine.]

I saw a group on Meet Up a few months ago describing the project and it started my wheels turning. I thought, "There's not that many homeless uptown! I've been there a lot and haven't seen many panhandlers or street people." So over the subsequent weeks, I started really looking through open eyes when I went uptown for business or otherwise. During business hours, hardly anything. A panhandler here and there that would be quickly shooed away by the dozens of security guards protecting our powerhouses of wealth. After hours I saw more...slowly coming forward from alleys and parking garages, picking through the garbage of the day...but police and security were still vigilant in keeping these people shushed and hidden away from the main streets.

So I decided to go, mainly to satisfy my curiosity. I still didn't think there were that many homeless in Charlotte.

And I was shocked. And sickened. And depressed.

And absolutely none of that matters.

It does not matter one tiny bit how sad I was about the homeless. It does not matter how full of despair it made me. It does not matter how I feel tucked in my queen-sized bed at night, under my white down comforter, it does not matter how bad I hurt. It is not about me.

I kept going and I didn't know why. I couldn't afford the supplies we needed so I asked others, although given the history of this group, they would have come up with supplies with or without me or my family or my church. They've been doing this for four years. But I am here and I was led to be here and so here we are.

But still...part of it makes me uncomfortable. Not the people we serve- not at all. It bothers me to be wearing this white skin and walking this walk and looking for all the world like a damn charity-tourist. Walking the line of being white and having the heart to serve is a constant struggle, and yes, I'm well aware of how whiny and spoiled that sounds- it exactly proves my point.

My oldest son is nine. This was his first time he walked with us. My youngest son has had the heart of a servant and a giver since he could walk...he would give other children his toys, sharing was not a problem, and he's had that genuine goodness of spirit his entire life- it springs forth from him organically. My daughter has a good heart but takes some prompting, as most children do. My oldest son has been pampered and coddled by extended family since his father died and as a result has become the picture of narcissistic entitlement. Stamp him with the White Boy stamp. And I fight it every single day; to make him understand that doing good deeds only where the eyes of the church or your teacher or your grandma can see you...that doesn't even count. Doing good deeds for attention is like spitting on the cross in church.

We had done about 3/4 of our walk yesterday and my oldest son puffs out his chest after handing out a couple of bottles of water and says to me, "I'm doing a real good thing, huh?" and my mind just flashed red for a moment. I bent down so only he could hear me and so he could see my face very clearly as I said, "This. Is. Not. About. You.  None of this is about you or how you feel or patting yourself on the back. Do you understand that?" He was shocked and rather speechless so he just nodded.

Was I right? Was I wrong? Who knows...parenting is a daily struggle between determining what's right for now and what's right for the 25 year old man that boy will one day become. Yesterday I chose the grown man. Yes, what he was doing was a good thing...he was doing it because he was taken there and told to hand out these bottles of water. This was not something he devised organically as an act of good will that burst forth from his heart. And these people are not tools for him to make himself feel good about himself.

I am deeply uncomfortable when I talk about this project in front of others. I am deeply uncomfortable to be put as a "point of contact" for an event I did not create, did not devise, that did not spring forth from my heart, that I just showed up and was told to hand out these bottles of water. And yet when I was asked what we needed and I spoke it, the supplies appeared. When I spoke it, more volunteers came to walk, and one of them is a woman whose heart of service is so great she came to participate even after an exhausting battle with cancer.

With cancer.

And this white girl is handing out sandwiches, feeling bad and feeling confused about the greater meaning of it all.

At the end of the day, I'm nothing. I'm no one. I'm a sometimes selfish, overly emo white girl. I have three kids that I struggle to raise, at whom I sometimes yell, and who I fear daily I'm screwing up beyond repair. I have been homeless. I have been utterly alone with no one. I have faced down despair and stood on the brink with a straight razor and tears to fill my old bathtub. I do not help because I want attention- I do not...it's painfully awkward. If there were a way to ask for supplies anonymously, I would. I do not help because I think I can provide these people with something special- I can't. They can get a sandwich from anyone. I help because I can't not help. I can't walk past someone and not share with them what I have or what I can provide. And if I can do nothing else, I will embed this in my children. All of them. Even the White Boy.

Please go to www.doingmypart.com for more information on Mike's project for average people to make a difference.

Today is the day

Today is the day that I let all of the walls fall down.
Today is the day that I shout it out loud.
Today is the day that I make my voice heard.
Today is the day...that I say the word....
Love.

the moment it all changed...

I've hesitated and stopped and restarted this blog entry several times over the past 24 hours, in part because I [think I] know how people will react and partly because I am having trouble finding the words. Words that aren't cliche and trite. Words that fit.

A few months ago I wrote about the moment I met my first love...the "lightning strike"...and wrote that I didn't think that would happen twice in a lifetime. My friend Katherine commented that she thought it could; that people go through stages in their lives and sometimes you have one love that travels with you during all those stages and sometimes you find a new love to travel with you...something to that effect. I pondered her words and thought, "Perhaps for others...". I had utterly given up hope of finding someone to fit my weird, broken, misshapen little heart.

When I was looking elsewhere and laughing with friends, sitting on a couch in Columbia listening to indie music playing live upstairs, I got a message that I didn't open...I flipped through and mentally bookmarked it for later. I drank another beer and told jokes with Jennifer but was taking note that pretty much every person at this party was with a partner of some sort...so I drank another beer to silence that internal observer and fell asleep pretty hard not thinking about it. I've gotten pretty used to being the third/fifth/seventh/ninth wheel.

I spent the next day driving around Columbia and ending up at the park Lee took me to, the one with crashing waterfalls overlooking the city. I sat on a bench next to my car illegally parked on the street but I couldn't feel him there anymore. I scuffed my shoes on the metal fence while I tried to conjure the face he made when he told a bad joke and had just ruined the punch line. I couldn't quite get it back so my heart ached a little bit and I left.

After another emotional drive home, I lay down in my bed and started flipping through messages on my cell phone. Texts, emails, Facebook messages, and finally, the eHarmony inbox I had been avoiding.

"What is the air velocity of an unladen swallow?"

What?? What kind of question...wait...what movie was that from? Was this a test? Or a joke? I struggled to remember and my friend Kyle flashed in my head, which meant I had probably seen this movie for the first time with him which meant it was either a Monty Python or Mel Brooks flick, so....think, think....."African or European..." I laughed to myself as the answer popped in my head and I wrote back to this mystery guy on eHarmony, SWM in "Simpsonville"..."where is that? G_o_o_g_l_e__m_a_p_s....how far away is that?" and sent my message back, answering his other questions and smiling, the one that spread from my mind to my lips.

I can't say I didn't check my phone quite a few times to see if this guy wrote back, the guy with the big smile and paragraphs-long profile details...

...he did. Write back. And then I did. And then he did. And then I did. Et cetera. And then I walked into a little yellow coffeehouse and lightning struck twice.

It is completely random and unplanned and utterly crazy...I know it, so I'm being cautious. Of course the distance between us only helps in that aspect. But the second I walked back into my house after being with him and feeling so empty, I instantly wished he was there. When I spoke to him on the phone later, he said the exact same thing.

His eyes tell a story I can't wait to read. His laugh makes me glow inside, and my breath catches when I see him watching me. We are so in tune we seem to resonate and sentences are finished or understood. He is the very essence of second chances all wrapped up in a beautiful package.

I warned him I live out my life on this blog, so he's prepared...I hope my readers are. It's going to be quite a journey; the stuff of legend, I'm sure of it. My heart hasn't leapt from my chest in this way in a decade....let's enjoy the ride.

Some good quick reads...

A little light reading for anyone relaxing on this unseasonably cool Saturday, enjoying some coffee...
I've had these links open in tabs for a few days and decided to just share all at once...I'm not saying I totally agree with all the content, but they were certainly thought-provoking and interesting as they came across my screen this week:

http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/night-owls-creative-intelligent/686025/

http://www.tabletmag.com/jewish-news-and-politics/180382/students-justice-palestine#undefined

http://themindunleashed.org/2014/07/10-painfully-obvious-truths-everyone-forgets-soon.html

http://ifunny.mobi/i/9uU44Qq92

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/feel-purposeless-fear-youre-wasting-time/

http://thinkprogress.org/justice/2014/02/26/3333161/religious-liberty-racist-anti-gay/

what is it

I got drunk one time and tried to Google one of my memories. Upon discovering that it didn't work that way, I pushed my laptop to the floor and wept bitterly.

I think I remember it all; I think everything is tucked away safely.
And then I see a photograph,
hear a song,
smell the scent of patchouli and cologne,
and some random moment will come, fleetingly, hazy,
before disappearing again,
leaving me grasping at the smoke.

I've utterly forgotten touches,
the nuances.

Push the blanket over my head,
and strain against the dark,
seeking what I'm losing day by day.

I'm psychic.

I can see my future. Lucky me, you say...quite a skill. For a few weeks each summer, I can to peer into my future; one rapidly approaching with the passing of every school year, soccer season, and school photo. I get angry, sometimes, at time...spinning out of control, going so fast I feel like I'm missing whole chunks of weeks. Desperately slipping photographs into a box in my closet to hang on to every gap-toothed smile.

For these weeks, I drink hot tea in the evening in the silence; no TV, no radio, only the occasional hum of passing cars or a neighbor's thumping radio. I wash my face extra carefully, cook myself vegetables and rice, and indulge in hot baths with Radiohead playing quietly. I can see myself withering away like this once their lives have left my home. I find it extraordinarily difficult to picture life without them.

Today my car door opened and my son blustered in. It felt like the air inside the car had been a vacuum and it was popped open to full richness again. He chattered, intelligently, asking me pointed and thoughtful questions about war, about God, about girls, all in a thirty minute car ride. He made a joke that initially caught me off guard with its mature humor, and then made me laugh until tears came. He said quietly during a brief lull, while looking out the window at passing fields, "I love you, Mom."

He told me about a girl he met in school, just before the end of the year, with "blonde hair and eyes like Callie's and a pretty smile"..a girl named Skye. I asked why he never told me about her before. He shrugged. "I dunno. Didn't want to. Now I do." I asked if he had talked to her. No. Why? "I'm nervous."

We spoke with no radio, quietly, almost reverently, as my son opened up to me more than he has in months, perhaps since his last outburst about his father. He told me he was reading the newspaper on his iPad and his iPhone while he was at his grandmother's house and he was worried. Why all the war? Why all the fighting? How many people are going to die? He seemed somehow accepting when I said, "I don't know. I just don't know."

I watched him as he sauntered in the doctor's office, leaning on the counter and chatting with the receptionist in that easy way that some people have. That I don't have. That is every single bit his father. The receptionist was laughing and I could see how easy it was going to be for him to flirt with pretty girls once he got older and found his nerve. The young doctor, also a handsome brunette with an easy smile, joked and laughed with him before diagnosing him as being too awesome and telling him he was going to need to come back in six months to keep that under control. Didn't want the ladies knocking down his door, doctor said, throwing a wink my way.

We sang Ace of Bass on the way home...he knows all of the words to some of the songs now, and he laughed and was visibly relieved to be declared well again. He asked what movies were out now and then said we should go on a "date" to see a movie, so I said we'd do it. He sat back and grinned, his left-hand fingers absently tapping my wrist on the center console. The boy oozes charisma and charm around others, has become teacher's pet every year and is known by name by every secretary, janitor, and nurse at his school...but to me, he opens his inner doors and shares his quiet pain, worries, fears. I have waited for many years to see if he would trust and respect me enough, especially after losing his father, to allow me to be his friend and confidante. Today he made it clear he does.

This sounds like nothing to some, but this was a beautiful day to me. The small victories in parenting end up winning the war. Earning a child's trust and respect unlocks a healthy future for both of us: he knows he can come to me with anything and I will listen and care for him, and I know he is growing to be a smart, inquisitive, empathetic soul who will touch the world in beautiful ways.

He went back to his grandmother's tonight...I have an all-day conference tomorrow so she's staying home with him. I came home to my empty house, but it didn't feel so empty anymore. It's a home, a nurturing nest, a landing pad, a place of inspiration and hope, comfort and love, and for now, a quiet retreat for me to gather my thoughts and prepare myself for many more insightful conversations with the incredible people I am allowed to call my children.

The fundamental flaw

There are times....
there are times I feel
swept up in the exhilaration of life, the ebb and flow
pushing and pulling me in an intoxicating dance,
where I feel connected deeply,
fundamentally,
to the rhythm of life.
Where I feel so connected and in sync
to the people around me,
where we talk and understand and conversations can flow with some words unspoken as we all just
get it.
Meaningful glances over cigarettes and nods of agreement...
yeah, man.

How long has it been since that last moment?
How long have I been so disconnected?

I feel like a child stumbling into a conversation,
a talk where I missed the beginning and am struggling to pick up a thread.
A word.
A theme to connect with.
I too keenly observe behaviors, gestures,
subtlety of physical movement,
that I formerly ignored as I contributed my impassioned opinion.

Someone caught me at this recently,
he smiled and said, "What do you think?"
And I froze.
What
did
I
think.
What
did
I
think??

I think we're all drinking too much.
I think we're all ignorant.
I think we're talking out of our asses and nothing we say is going to make a difference.
I think we're all presumptuous.
I think we're all just going through the motions until one day we're the topic of conversation in a group of mourners dressed in black...
puffing on cigarettes,
shaking their heads...
yeah, man.

I think we're talking too much and we need to listen.
I think we're sitting too much and we need some action.
I think we're allowing the rape of our nature and the crush of our culture and the oppression of our freedoms because we're fucking talking,
talking,
talking over beer and shaking our heads in defeat...
yeah, man.

I think we're weak.
I think we're giving up on the fundamental freedoms, like the one of speech, in exchange for faster internet and nice ringtones.
I think we're sitting when we should be moving,
talking when we should be listening,
whispering when we should be yelling
and fighting
and pushing back,
instead of placidly complaining...
yeah, man.

I think we're going to reach a moment where we have to make a fundamental decision whether to be comfortable or to go down swinging, whether to take the 2 year contract with no exit clause or to tear the paper in shreds and walk away from corporate dependency.
I think we'll reach that moment in this stupefied state of weakness and complacency,
and we will lose.
Shaking our heads...
yeah, man.

So what do I think, dear friend?
I think we're working with a fundamental flaw.
We have already accepted defeat.
When we're protesting at Duke Energy while we shop at Wal-Mart,
when we pick and choose which evil to boycott and which to support;
when we have allowed the subjugation to fully infiltrate our lives to the point of no return.
I think we should have another round,
sing along to this song a little,
enjoy this night...
cause we're already done.

Take it back

If I could take it back..
rewind the clock...
to that time.
Gritty, hot summer in the city.

There was that moment,
my skirt blown round my thighs by the swift passing train
and us alone on the platform of the L, watching
the sun set over the skyline, all
purples and pinks and grey smog and neon graffiti on
the walls.

Your fingers laced with mine,
the freckles on your knuckles.

The smells, the heat, the
music.

The time.
Passed quick, it was a blur,
but now I can
recall every moment.

I recall moments where I should have,
if I could have,
turned to you and stopped the clock.
Told you it was you.
Told you it was this road,
not another.
On that platform,
before the train swept in,
I could have stopped it all.
But I was too
deep.

I stepped off
and your eyes filled with questions.
The years have swallowed the words
that were left hanging there.
My heart
still hanging around...
waiting for the L.

In 2014 I Hope to...

Again, inspired by a friend...looks like Katherine's pushing me to blog this new year more than anyone else! :)

It's hard to rattle off a list of "what I hope to do this year" without sounding like an annoying list of resolutions that pretty  much everyone has, but I'll try.

1. Lose weight. Wait, don't leave!! Stick with me here! Between 2011-early 2013 I lost a total of 80 pounds. I was back to freshman year of college weight and loving it. And then I started using a medication. On largely the same diet and lifestyle, I gained thirty pounds back. Since I only discontinued use of this medication halfway through December and have already lost ten pounds, 1) I don't think the weight gain was "my fault", especially since other women record excessive weight gain as a side effect of this medication, and 2) it won't be difficult to lose the weight again...just annoying. It was annoying to meet a nice guy over Christmas as "the fat girl". It was annoying to pull out a pair of pants I thought I would never wear again all because of some stupid medicine. It was annoying to keep eating veggies, quinoa, etc. and still be gaining weight. It was annoying to not have control over my own weight like that. So I just wanna shed these annoying pounds as quickly as possible and get back to being myself again.

2. Professional growth...in a big way. Perhaps some people make goals of getting a promotion or reaching certain sales goals...now, we all know nonprofits don't work like that. You get a raise if you get Jay-Z to donate/speak at an event [in other words: never], and we can meet fundraising goals year after year..not really a big deal. But what I'm excited about, just so excited I can't stop working, night, weekend, vacation, is that I have found this special little groove where precisely all of my talents and skills work beautifully. When I head into work, I'm whistling, smiling, excited to be walking in the door. My coworkers are stunning people- smart, talented, kind, compassionate, professional yet they care like family. The particular team we have right now is one of the most productive, communicative teams I have ever seen in nonprofit development, much less had the privilege to work with. Obviously those who work in nonprofit development have the satisfaction of knowing they are raising money for a good cause- but to also know that your work is recognized, appreciated, and making a specific, real, and measurable difference...well that's a dream come true for us. I'm literally living my dream!

3. Exploration. Something clicked in my head this past fall, when doing one of my personal monthly budgets. I'm saving, and recently was looking at houses...but deep down, I have zero desire (in fact, was dreading) owning my own home right now. The thought of working a 50+ hour week, shuttling kids to/from practices/games/etc. and  then coming home to have to deal with mowing the lawn, a roof leak, a busted pipe...it's like my worst nightmare...I think it's any single mom's worst nightmare. I know that to some, especially down here in SC, living in an apartment or townhome is an instant sign of poverty- the "inability" to live in a home. Not only do I disagree, I think millions living in metro areas would also disagree. Living in an apartment is a lifestyle choice- it's a decision to not deal with a yard, with maintenance time and cost; it's convenience. That being said, when I looked at my five, ten, twenty year goals, traveling and exploration is at the top of that list. Suddenly a light bulb clicked on in my head and I was looking at this budget and the amount I've carefully marked to store away each month and realized I don't have to wait to travel to some of those places on my bucket list...the time is now! A few weeks later, I saw "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" and my mind was definitively made up- I came home that night and made reservations in hostels across Ireland and began planning my trip. The world is too vast to spend our life spinning wheels in circles in one little location...time to stretch the legs and get out a bit.

4. Being a better mom. This is on my list every year, and while there aren't really measurable results (I'm a statistics person...I like to see the numbers to back up any gain or loss), I think you can "feel" when it's working. This past year I tried to retire my spanking hand (I think there were less than ten spankings all year...among all three kids, so not bad), tried to eliminate yelling, and worked on spending time with each child, discovering their skills/talents and their interests. To my delight, two of my kids are nuts about Star Wars (whoo!), Callie is interested in music and art, and Grayson is at the age where his interests are beginning to determine the friends he has (for example, there are boys at his after-school program who just play football, and then there are those do homework together, read together, play football together, and play-act scenes from LOTR and other movies together...Grayson belongs with the latter set). While I can discuss with him that that makes him awesome- it makes him diverse, smart, creative, and well-rounded, it doesn't make it easier when the lead "football boy", a delinquent named [ironically] Judge, punches him in the arm every day and calls him a "f*ng dork". Grayson is a big boy, big for his age and set to be around 6'2" when he grows up, so add that to his intellect, his charisma, and his well-rounded character, and I have no doubt this "Judge" character is going to regret his decision to bully him in a few years, but for now it makes a tough situation for us. Navigating new and scary waters of life like this made me realize that "being a better mom" is always going to be on my resolution list, because every year it will be different challenges like this for us. At the end of the day, giving the kids lots of love, hugs, time, and listening is what I can do and what I will continue to do forever and ever.



So there are what I would list as my goals for 2014, although they are largely the same as last year and will most likely continue to be similar for years to come. Overall, improving myself and being the best me I can be...that's it. Some years are years for explosive growth and some are just rebuilding years...I feel like I'm coming off a rebuilding year and am heading full-force into some truly mind-blowing stuff! Just have to hang on for the ride...

New Year's Resolutions?

Do you have them? I know I've gotten asked a few times lately what mine is, and it's kind of hard to define. If I had to put it in a sentence, I guess it would be, "Stop expecting life to be like a movie and make it like one."

I have waited passively for love to come tripping over my doorstep. I have stared wistfully out the window and wondered when adventure would find me. No longer. I am heading into the gale, wrapped up in a cloak of courage and reckless exploration. This is where I stop writing the life I want and go out and make it.

In fifty years, I want grandchildren nestled around my feet, listening to me tell of climbing mountains and trekking the world over. I want my daughter and granddaughters to know that nothing about exploration, courage, daring, and excitement are for men only.

I saw a movie recently where the main character had great adventure and great love. I can plan a great adventure...I can make reservations, get tickets, cram some stuff in a pack, plan itineraries...but I can't plan or schedule affairs of the heart. I can easily see myself scaling some of the greatest mountains in the world and hiking some of the most prolific pilgrimage trails, working my way to being a development director in this or another amazing nonprofit, writing a book or two, but I just can't envision a man....well, quite frankly, a man awesome enough for me and my kids. Arrogance? Fear?

For now, I will do what I can. I will excel in my career, I will be the best mom I can be from day to day, and I will dust off the pack and boots and go walking the earth again. I will make certain there are days I power down the laptop, leave the phone at home, and go have time with my friends- beers over campfires, home-cooked meals around snug tables, game nights leaving us laughing hysterically into the night. I'll engage my neighbors and community more and enlist the help where I truly need it (like the sweet lady in our neighborhood that has repeatedly offered her home for us to come visit and to watch the kids when I need it). I'll stop trying to be superwoman and realize it truly does take a village and let others help when they offer it.

Resolutions aren't just for New Year's. Some of my most life-changing "resolutions" happened only when I was utterly fed up with where I was or my circumstances and decided on the spot to make changes. I made the decision to move away from Norfolk in about ten seconds, standing in my garden with my bare feet in damp soil and my skirt brushing the leaves of my sprawling pumpkin plants...I knew I couldn't bear the sights and sounds of the life I had built with my husband once he left, so in the few seconds between when I got a particular voicemail and my neighbor called over the fence I knew I must leave.

Rarely do these epiphanies happen to occur on December 31st. What we can do today, however, is reflect back on the year now behind us and see where we want to chart our course for better results over the next year. Maybe today isn't the day for resolutions for you, but it's a good starting point for reflection and contemplation. I'm busy with the work I love today, but this evening I will take a few moments in quiet solitude to send forth massive gratitude to the heavens for the gifts I've received this year, the doors that have opened, the opportunities I've had to shine, and for the ongoing wealth of motherhood. Through this contemplation, natural resolutions shall emerge. I hope you all find a moment to do the same.

Happy New Year, and onward and upward we go!

13 Things I Learned in 2013

Inspired by a friend, I'm going to reflect on the past year and things I learned this annum.

They are not in any particular order, and may not be lessons complete...aren't we all in a continual learning curve?

1. Life isn't fair. If you know me very well, you may be saying, "Gee, Melissa, you should probably know that by now."  Well, yes, it's been one of those ongoing lessons, but it really hit home hard and fast in January when my landlord evicted my family because she didn't want to make necessary repairs on her property, even when I had cash in hand in court to pay her made-up-on-the-spot "fee".  My parents did give me one thing: a hard work ethic, and I work hard and do my best to meet my obligations. Although I was working at Starbucks at the time and receiving no financial assistance, I was still giving her rent, even when there was a massive leak and three out of the five appliances in the house didn't work properly. So was it "fair" when she suddenly and on the coldest day of the year evicted us? Nope. Was it supported by the laws of SC with loopholes a slum lord could drive a truck through? Unfortunately, yes, and the judge read this woman for filth in the courtroom but ultimately had no choice but to do the most he could- give us ten extra days. Ten days to find a home for my kids on a Starbucks paycheck.  Which leads me to #2...

2. True friendship will be proven in hard times.  If someone were to ask you how many friends you have, would you flippantly toss out a triple digit number? Double digit?  Not I. Single digits. Because I consider a friend not someone who will take shots with you on your birthday or show up for a party at your house, but someone who will hold your hand while you cry, who you can talk about your most serious issues with, and when times are really dark, a doorway of light opens and in they walk.  Last year was super, super hard for my little family- divorce, unemployment, moving, short sale of a house whose value tanked when the housing bubble burst....it was really, really hard. And some of the most unexpected people came to my aid. Beginning from my going away party in VA where dozens of supposed "friends" were "too busy" to come by to say goodbye, yet some unexpected faces showed up, to worrying about paying bills last Christmas, much less getting gifts, and receiving checks in the mail, again from very unexpected sources, and then having two friends let me crash on their couch until my apartment was ready, discovering true friendship has been like kicking up diamonds in the sand....wasn't mining for them, they just appeared when I needed them.

3. Mastering self-control is changing my life. You wouldn't know it to look at me right this minute, thanks to some crappy medication that caused me to gain a bunch of weight, but I learned a lot about my relationship to food, my love life, my career, and my goals this year. When I'm frustrated or stressed, it's super hard to see beyond five steps ahead of me, which is, to a degree, natural. However, if the "stress" is just working in a demanding, creative work environment, some degree of sustainable stress management is a must. This  strategy must not involve Krispy Kreme in any way, for the record.  I can't tell you how many times I've had to take a minute and do some deep breathing techniques at my desk because emails were pouring in faster than I could keep up and the deadlines on many projects were circled in red and approaching fast. Managing stress at work is one thing...when affairs of the heart are involved, it gets even more complicated, but that's a whole 'nother point on its own. If you can nail down what you're eating every day, when you're getting exercise and how, and how to politely and professionally handle stress at work, you're already doing better than probably 90% of us.

4. Never, ever, ever settle, even if it means being alone. This one stinks because people are social creatures and like being with a partner. But being lonely and alone is way better than  being miserable with a partner. This is the most important lesson I've learned in regards to my relationships. If someone has existing issues (I mean, to a point, we all have some kind of issues, but I'm taking about addiction or serious issues), let it go. Unless you're like..a therapist and looking for a real-life residency, don't get wrapped up with someone who already has serious problems. I'm not trying to point fingers at all here, like I said we all have issues, but you can choose what additional drama you want brought into your life and when to say no thanks.

5. Loving myself! Sometimes my brain gets stuck in seventh grade, where I was in total angst over my grunge style (not exactly the norm in rural Kershaw, SC), my gangly limbs, my mousey brown hair, and the fact that Curtis Small, my total crush, didn't know I existed. Neither did Jared Leto, but I only knew him through the console tube in my parent's living room on 'My So-Called Life'.
I still have a grunge style. More than one pair of my jeans is ripped to hell, I still own flannel, if given the preference I would rarely wear makeup, and my biggest shoe purchases are Chucks and hiking boots. I can doll it up when necessary, and even enjoy doing so from time to time, but it's not my norm. At all. I've come to love that about myself. In a sea of daytime-TV-watching, Spanx-wearing, commercial women, I am utterly and unabashedly me, and I've found the more I love myself, the more people are comfortable accepting me as well. There's also an immense freedom in leaving your house in whatever the heck you want because you legitimately do not care what the cashier at the store or the ticket boy at the theater thinks.  On impulse last week, I took myself to a movie. The one I wanted to see started at 6:50...I live 25 minutes from the theater and it was 6:15 when I decided I wanted to go and started looking online at buying a ticket. I threw on whatever jeans were on top of the stack in the drawer, a black T from a coffeehouse where I used to work, chucks, and  pulled my hair back.  I may have looked slightly homeless, but I was totally stoked to be seeing a good movie where I could eat my own popcorn, not have to escort a kid to the bathroom, not have to feel awkward in front of a date about laughing too loudly, putting my feet up, or checking my email during the boring parts.  It was spectacular to enjoy being me, to "date" me, and not worry about fitting into society's standards of what I "should" look like (or act like). I can honestly say, overall, I'm more comfortable in my skin than ever.

6. Let go of the little stuff. My house is never magazine-photo perfect. At least one of my kids, on any given day, is wearing mismatched [though clean!] socks. I use swear words but try daily to not. I am a part-time vegan. I spoil my dogs and let them sleep on my bed. (I also spoil my children and let them sleep on my bed, so it gets crowded sometimes). I heard once the "Five Year Rule", so I go by that faithfully.  If it's not going to matter in five years, let it go. It will positively not matter one iota in five years how long your kids' hair is in ninth grade, so if he wants it halfway down his back, let him. I'm a lot more laid-back than many of the parents where I currently live, whose prim and proper dockers-clad children kinda creep me out...they're like quiet robots. My kids are always questioning, exploring, experimenting, and I just try really hard to clean up after them and encourage them to keep on figuring stuff out. Genius isn't bred in time-out.

7. Mistakes are OK. Goes for everyone in the family. We all make mistakes; it's simply human. The problem comes with repeating the same mistakes. Then it's not a mistake, it's a bad habit and has to be stopped. My first cigarette in 2000 was a mistake. The next seven years were a bad habit. Sometimes I fall back into the bad habit, when I'm super stressed or around someone a lot who does it, but not so much anymore. The more I get comfortable saying "no", the less I fall back into old habits...oh, wait, that's my very next point...

8. Got comfortable with my limits and then got comfortable enforcing them. Good segway...thanks, me! One of the most valuable things I've learned this year is how to say no, how to politely but firmly set limits, and how to professionally set limits and identify behavior I won't tolerate in the workplace. Working for a tyrant made for a horrible office environment and constant, almost crippling stress, as we were expected to perform way beyond our hours, our skill set, and demanded to produce nearly impossible results with no support and nothing but criticism. I was unsure how to set limits and being a natural people-pleaser, I kept trying to jump higher and higher to meet her never-attainable goals (wasn't just me- the whole office received this treatment). After leaving there, I vowed to never again allow myself to be treated like that at work. When it came close recently, I immediately took steps to set limits on professional contact and how I will be addressed. It's not ego- it's common courtesy. I have never sent someone a work email demanding something be done "NOW", so I don't expect to receive such an email, particularly from a peer (not a boss). It's OK to set boundaries and establish expectations from those around you, whether in a professional sense or in your personal life. I'm the same way with personal relationships- my last boyfriend said some really offensive stuff, and I immediately called him on it and it was one of the factors that ultimately led me to exit the relationship. The way you let people talk to you is the way they will talk to you....how do you want to be addressed? Then demand that.

9. Savor moments in real-life, not through a lens. Put away the phone, the tablet, etc. Watch the world through your eyes, experience it with your body, and remember it in your mind- not a memory card. Could you watch a first-person video of someone walking the El Camino Santiago and see the sights? Sure. Is that the same as actually making the trek yourself? Seriously? Of course not. I've learned to live my life in 3D by actually being present.

10. I may never be at peace with the church. I tried going to a local church...pleasant place with friendly people and all was going well...and then *BAM*. The "L" word was dropped like a little ticking time-bomb in a Sunday School lesson. "Liberal". My smile was frozen in place as I tried to process that somehow in the teaching of the history of the church, this guy found it necessary to comment on liberals. In church. When talking about second century Rome. Sigh. It bugged me...it bugged me a lot. So I tried to shrug it off as one guy's opinion and personal bias when the head minister of the church, in his prayer to start off the church service, mentioned "government leaders" and remembering and returning to the traditional Christian values of our forefathers. Now I'm not going to debate this here, but that's largely bullcrap. Our nation's forefathers established a little baby nation full of pilgrims and refugees looking to escape religious persecution and control, and a few of our beloved forefathers were Sunday, Easter, and Christmas Christians only. Anyway, once political issues were mentioned twice in one day in a church, it was like a burr under my skin and just nagged and nagged at me. The modern day church has a lot more to worry about with the exodus of parishioners without becoming political activists. Most people go to church for spiritual guidance and fellowship, not to be told who to vote for, yet that's exactly what's happening. I seriously hope 2014 will bring the opportunity to visit a church that will speak to me on a spiritual level and not a political/social one, and we'll continue to visit churches until we find our home.

11. Be true to yourself always, in every situation, in all ways. I have two little tattoos on the insides of my wrists. They still make me smile sometimes because they are so perfectly me, and they were a total impulse thing. I mean, I knew the phrases that I wanted, but I was messing around with fonts at work, printed them out in a font I liked, and on my lunch break, I got them inked on and went back to work. It was reckless and while I don't usually recommend getting tattoos without a lot of thought and consideration, I just happen to be the kind of person that overthinks everything to death, so when I let myself make a rash decision [that's not harmful], it usually ends very well.

12. Choose the people in your life very, very carefully. Some people we're born with, and you can't help who's in your family. But when choosing a partner, especially one you're going to have kids with, be very, very careful. You can get a divorce, but that means your children will be going, without you, to that person's house several times a year. If they made crappy decisions while you were married and lacked good parenting skills, it won't be any different, only now you're not going to be in the house providing a buffer for your kids. The most painful lesson I've learned this year is that our divorce didn't actually mean I was rid of him forever...now I have to release my precious babies to him for a few weeks a year and pray they come home safe and sound. It's always  mind-numbingly stressful.

13. There's this big blue ball...and you only get one go-round... if you've known me for a bit, you've probably heard this from me. It's my motto. [I had it before "YOLO", so I call dibs]. It's true, though...take it from a philosophy major who's literally lain awake at night having an existential meltdown. Sometimes, I just get in the car and just drive, not really knowing where I'm going. I like to just leap off into the unknown and breathe it all in. Live it up. When there's music, for God's sake, dance! When there's laughter, freely join in.  Read as many books as humanly possible during your life. Read everything you can get your hands on, because next to physical contact and face-to-face contact, reading the words another human took the time to craft is the most meaningful and intimate contact humans can have. Instead of 'liking' and 'sharing' those breathtaking landscape pictures on Facebook and Tumblr, find the place on a map, buy a ticket, and go there. Take your own damn picture for your friends to 'like' and 'share'. Make the world your playground. Drink the best wine you can afford. Eat from the fruits of the earth and not the chemicals of its factories. Remember, "the unexamined life is not worth living". If there's one lesson that I continued to explore in 2013 and will keep learning is to go forth with a curious and humble spirit, shut my trap, and absorb all the world has to offer!

Overly Emo Melissa

There are a few things I shouldn't do when faced with a weekend evening alone:
1. drink wine, especially red
2. listen to Ed Sheeran and/or Citizen Cope
3. watch or read any romantic anything.

Generally I hang out with my friends a lot when the kids are out of town, and this week was no exception. I love being able to spend time with them and not have to be worried about rushing home for the sitter. However, and perhaps more markedly so because most of my friends are couples, it never fails that I have one evening of total, unabashed self-pity where I bemoan my singleness and reaffirm my suspicion that I will, indeed, be alone forever.

I'm sure all of you have heard that I am planning a trip to Ireland this summer. Many of my friends have asked, aghast, "You're going alone?!"  Why not?  I do everything else alone. Like...everything.

It's OK. I'm just being pitiful right now.  95% of the time I'm totally a strong, independent woman, too busy, quite frankly, with my career and kids to concern myself with such frivolous matters of the heart. The other 5%, typically after the kids have been gone for a while and the house has just gotten too quiet, I can toe the line to Bridget-Jones'-Diary-esque misery. It will pass.

Frankly, one of the reasons I'm taking this trip is to expand this part of myself...to allow my independence to blossom and flourish in a new and unexpected environment and add another stamp of "I don't need no man" to my resume (although fixing my own car and plumbing and supporting myself and my family has pretty much affirmed that). I just have a burgeoning worry that being so independent will preclude any possibility of a fair and balanced relationship when the opportunity does present itself.

And this is why Melissa doesn't sit at home alone on a Saturday night...

Is it "fat shaming" if....?

*whispers* If you have to ask, it is.
I've seen a lot of articles lately about the topic- Upworthy and Mighty Girl, among other sites, have been all over this. I'm kind of in a weird place on this subject, and a very sensitive place, because my body has betrayed me once again....

About five months ago I began a new medication. This is after losing a lot of weight and feeling really great about the way I looked for the first time in years. My diet habits didn't change that drastically, but wow...I've started putting on weight again.  That, combined with other side effects, made me nix that medication two weeks ago.....aaaand now I'm back to square one with weight to lose again.

But more than the "gotta lose weight" issue, there's such a plethora of fat shaming for real, legit, going on in our world.  Being someone who, this time last year, was getting hit on on a regular basis, to this year is invisible (I'll expound on that), I can attest that being "fat" leads to a whole different world.

By nature, I'm a pretty confident person. I typically feel comfortable in my skin and don't have much of an issue with intimacy or being comfortable in most settings.  When I gain weight, though, I feel like I am taking up more space than I'm allowed in the world.  Does that make sense? I literally feel like I am imposing on other's space because I am 2 inches bigger in diameter than my allotted universe-space, and that is such an uncomfortable feeling. I don't think I look bad, necessarily, although I'm totally socially brainwashed into thinking I'm "less pretty", but the way it makes me feel is horrible.

I call my weight my "cloak of invisibility" because it TOTALLY IS.  Twenty pounds less and guys will smile, make small talk in line, etc. Now I can sit and people-watch to my heart's desire because no one gives me a second glance.  Being kind of an introvert, I'm kind of OK with that, but the underlying reason definitely doesn't make me feel great.

A friend shared a book with me called Confessions of a Fat Runner. Four chapters in and I'm actually nodding and agreeing with so many of her descriptions of herself and her relationship to food, exercise, and her weight.  She runs at least ten miles a week and has for years and still isn't "skinny". Some women just are not built that way. My  body is especially sensitive to factors aside from diet and exercise, whether it's medication or hormones, and 2 years ago I discovered that stress that raises my blood pressure directly affects my thyroid (overheard once: "Thyroid...haha, yeah right. Every fat woman's excuse."), so when I have a lot of stress at work or at home, I can gain weight eating a handful of rice and water every day. It's nuts.

The kids are I are always conscious of what we eat. They have all learned about healthy habits at home and it's been confirmed at school, so they do seriously want to always have bananas, oranges, apples, carrots, and other fruits and veggies in the house. So even my kids are supportive of a healthy diet. [Tell that to my size ten jeans.]  We are currently working to eliminate sugar in our house after 2 kids had cavities at their most recent dental visit, and that will be our next-biggest hurdle (the switch to whole wheat pasta a couple of years ago almost incited riots). Don't get me wrong- we don't have a lot of cookies/candies, etc. lying around, but we drink a lot of juice instead of water (lots of natural sugars...too many).

But here's the crux of the issue: although the grocery shopping and cooking conversation does factor around health, what is the message that my daughter is truly getting (and sons- more boys are getting eating disorders now)?  Do they really think it's about health or do they see my excitement when I fit in my skinny jeans and think it's about clothing size and appearances?  It's all exhausting- positively exhausting.

Oh, and try to convince a new guy you're a really cool chick with an awesome personality while wondering if he's eyeballing the exits, figuring out how to get away from 'the fat girl'.

I know this has been somewhat of a rambling rant with no conclusion or solutions, but I'm hoping someone can sympathize or relate and perhaps we can provide another voice or two in the resounding chorus against fat shaming. I know people, women, who purposely eat everything they can trying to gain weight and can't, and then women who work out, can run miles and miles, but look "fat"...and for each of those women in their personal situations, it sucks.

I also know some really "cool", "progressive" hipster types that claim to be all about inner beauty but only date women who look like models and surround themselves with mostly beautiful people (they may throw in a token fat girl for appearances...and, yes, I'm serious....and if you're wondering if I'm talking about you, I probably am). I am going to love it when people actually walk the walk and our inner beauty is actually realized as what defines our worth.

That's all!
Love, love, love, and light,
~m

Time for a check in, friends!

Hi guys. I know it's been a while. My bad. The whole "gainfully employed" thing has really put a cramp in my writing :)

So we're going to catch up on several facets of my life since, as you all know, I love sharing my personal angst and joy for the world to see (and empathize or smile with me).  Those facets will be, in no certain order, my kids, my job, my love life, and my sanity.  You know you wanna know...

I guess I'll start with my job since it's been what's keeping me away from my beloved blog. It's a fantastic, challenging, complex job that keeps me on my toes and sometimes just flat out exhausts me.  Because I'm very passionate about our organization, I am very, very inclined to work over forty hours a week...and then I forget how that affects the balance in all other aspects of my life. My time with my children in the evening shouldn't be me glued to a computer. Also, my kids shouldn't feel guilty that I have to leave work to pick them up [read: neither should I], yet I do and we struggle with it. Sans kids, I would work there seven days a week, all day, every day. I have so many ideas and projects in the wings that I flat out don't even get time to develop. My goals for work going into the New Year are two-pronged: stop making myself so available to everyone after hours when my priority needs to be having one-on-one time with my kids, and develop strategies for getting all these ideas into fruition. It's been a tiring and sometimes frustrating month, but at the end of the day I positively love this job and my coworkers and am blessed beyond belief to be here.

Who knows I love to talk about my kids? *raises hand*.  Duh. Grayson is so smart it's just nuts, and he's beaming and grinning ear to ear every evening to tell me what he learned that day.  The G&T program was exactly what he needed to light that fire. We're looking at med school, although he had a little hiccup a few weeks ago where he lied to me about a project and just didn't do it, thus receiving a well-deserved F and resulting in him being pulled out of basketball for the winter.  He'll return to sports in the spring with baseball, but he got the message.  Callie continues to push her artistic limits as she gracefully glides into this teeny-hipster persona. She wanted motorcycle boots for Christmas, and she's getting a guitar and a camera so she can really branch out and start exploring more artistic forms. While Grayson is pretty much a conformist and likes to wear what the others are wearing and not look out of place at all, Callie embraces her unique style and her confidence has led other girls to start to imitate her. I love that she loves herself so much!  And baby John, he has just come out of his shell a lot this year. Pre-K was rough for him, and even the first weeks of kindergarten were rough as he was pretty shy and not used to being away from us all day, but he has really found his feet and taken off running.  From not being able to identify all the letters of the alphabet in August (no matter how much coaching and assistance) to now writing short sentences and reading, he just needed that light bulb to come on and when it did, he took off with it.  He's still less social than the other two and will probably always be kind of a shy guy, but at least he does have a couple of friends at school now and is getting more comfortable being with other people than family.

So..on to the love life (or lack thereof). My boyfriend and I are no longer together, but there's no blame whatsoever. I just flat out didn't have the time to commit to him that he deserved. There was a culmination of a lot of things at once: new job, kids starting school, fall sports, and my whole life was dedicated to them and work and it's really only just recently eased up some. I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I lay in bed and listen to Imagine Dragons and think I will never, ever find someone for me who will perfectly fit in all the weird niches in my life. That's just my emo moments, though, and they pass.  Right now I'm trying to consciously *not* think about it and live my life. I miss having regular adult human interaction but it's not fair to ask someone else to adjust to or commit to such a stilted relationship. For the most part, I'm happy most days and don't think about it more than in passing, so it's fine. (Of course I'm sitting a coffeeshop on a rainy day listening to old school Get-Up Kids, so I'm naturally more emo right this second on this topic...LOL.)

My sanity?!  What sanity!  My life is positively nuts!  No, kidding...you know where I'm finding sanity? When I clear my head? 
You ready?
Steam cleaning. I bought a steam cleaner and when I need to just chill, I steam clean my carpets. Seriously.  It's like therapeutic for me. I've also decided my New Year's resolution will be to spend more time with my friends, social time for myself, sans kids. Before Friday night, it had been months since I did anything outside of family stuff. I need adult interaction and to blow off steam sometimes. So I signed up for a care.com account and will be hiring a regular sitter to get out more, even if it's just going to dinner with my friends, I've *got* to get out more.  I don't think being with my kids 24/7 makes me a better mom; in fact, I'm pretty sure it makes me frustrated and tired and snippy with them.

So that's my life in a nutshell....work, work, work, kids, and trying to maintain sanity. I'll also try to get back to writing more as a release, so the blog will be getting updated more regularly and hopefully I can get these creative juices flowing again.

Much love, peace, and light.
Namaste, friends!

Blog from the bus

Someone suggested a few days ago that I blog from the bus, which I initially laughed off, but once I thought about it...I could try it. So here I am, on the 27 headed out to my office. The 27 is the third leg of my journey every morning. The first is by car, dropping the kids off at the YMCA to be bussed to school and then on to the park and ride for the 41X. The first leg is nerve-wracking, with me babying my car through red lights, slipping it into neutral and humming the gas so she doesn't choke out. It's only about seven miles, but it really works my nerves. Once I mak it safely to the stop, I can relax a little and relax on the express bus, mostly full of people like me, commuters who live in the suburbs. I usually get off a couple of stops early do ai can walk a few blocks through uptown to get my blood flowing again before boarding the 27. The typical rider of the 27 is a bit grittier, more urban dwellers headed to work or out to one of the medical centers on the route. They are  usually a more colorful crew, chatting and laughing more than the 41X but still incredibly helpful, kind, and friendly. 
I had the naive impression that people taking public transportation were somehow different than me- that perhaps there may be something to fear or that aspects of this adventure may be somewhat dangerous. The most dangerous thing about it are public fears and misgivings. Overall, I'm having a blast and now I've got to end abruptly before I miss my stop.

A new chapter...

It's been a couple of months since I began my new job, so I wanted to share my experiences and what's been happening since the last time I was able to blog regularly.

First of all, if you're still keeping up and reading my posts, thank you!

OK, I was hired after a phone interview, an in-person interview, and a comprehensive background check.  At first, I thought it unnecessary to have all the investigations for a position in development, but as soon as I started work and saw the kids running around on campus, I got it. We are immersed in the kids' daily life, from eating in the cafeteria with them to bringing volunteers to work and play with them, so we do interact with them more than a "normal" development professional normally interacts with the clients of his or her organization.

For the first few weeks, I held back and observed.  I learned the lesson from past jobs, especially in nonprofit, to not jump in over my head...just test the waters, feel out the climate, and ease into taking on more responsibility. I began strictly doing database administration, entering gifts and producing reports and acknowledgements, and slowly added more as I judged how I could balance it in my schedule. I've also been more vocal about feeling overloaded, saying no and/or requesting delegation elsewhere to tasks I simply don't have time to handle myself, and requesting committee assistance from volunteers and other staff.  These are all lessons I had to learn over the past five years of working with and for nonprofits- it's OK to know your limits, mark your boundaries, and share the load....it makes for a happier workplace and more successful projects.

The organization serves children with "severe emotional and behavioral issues". They are children who either have a diagnosed mental illness or have experienced severe trauma. And I mean severe.  Some of the stories are positively chilling: severe and continued physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, and frequently administered by their own biological parents. To see these kids walking around, playing on the playground, drumming, singing, and most of all, smiling....it's amazing.

I was concerned when I began working there that ghosts of my own childhood would emerge, and sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in the faces of the littlest girls. I was six when I was adopted.  There's one little girl there- brown hair and big blue eyes, the smallest girl in her group, whose sad eyes just haunt me sometimes. I don't know her story, but any child who has that look must have been through something pretty bad.  I think of her when I'm tired, frustrated, or overwhelmed at my desk and I push back, reorganize, prioritize, and keep going. These kids desperately need our services, and with ongoing budget cuts and changes in a new administration in our state, we are on edge and watching for the potential axe to fall on several channels of funding. Anyway, I look at the little girl that I was twenty-five years ago and I'm glad that organizations like this exist so that other kids don't have to go through what I did.

As I've gotten acclimatized, my work load has gradually increased, and I love just about every piece of it. I am the database administrator for the organization, so my mornings are spent entering our daily deposit, running reports for grant writers, board members, and other organizational leaders, and producing acknowledgment letters.  Then I get to have fun :)

My other responsibilities include: preparing for and running Angel Network, our Christmas gifting program, creating and managing certain donation pages on our website, running our Friends Asking Friends program (the online personal fundraising pages [the "thermometer" pages], developing and implementing a Moves Management program for donor cultivation, managing major mailings, running our In-Kind gifts program, including receiving and accounting for all those clothing, toy, and school supply donations and corporate gifts, whether it be food for staff events to tickets for events for the kids, as well as the ongoing Box Tops and Campbell Soup labels...and those are just the ongoing daily responsibilities. Sometimes there's extra surprises thrown in there for fun.  Oh, and I was just designated the "First Responder" for our building, so I'm our representative for the Emergency Response Team (apparently having three children qualified me just as much as my military background for qualifying as a first responder...LOL).

The difference between handling all these duties here and at past jobs is huge.  First of all, I took on each of these tasks gradually, with a full understanding of the commitment and work it entailed, after a meeting (or series of meetings) with staff and long-term volunteers. Second, I was given full disclosure of the history of each project and how much time it would take but also given full support by the staff and volunteers, meaning I am not solely responsible for any project (and its success or failure) because I have people on call to help out as needed. Third, my ideas for innovation, streamlining, and automating functions are actually heard, appreciated, and implemented. Since starting seven weeks ago, several of my ideas have been implemented that have begun to streamline and automate our daily tasks, easing our workload, lowering our environmental impact (read: much less paper use), not to mention lowering our stress levels every morning. I'm pretty sure if I had suggested these concepts at a previous job, the mere suggestion would have been summarily denied or just ignored.  I have been given a good degree of freedom in this position to draft correspondence for new programs, utilize existing marketing pieces in new ways, and develop an expanded on-line presence.  In short, I am allowed to use both my creative right-brain and my programming "IT" left-brain to develop these programs, and I. Am. In. Heaven!!

I think it boils down to the work environment.  Aside from all the technical jargon, the people who work in this organization are deeply satisfied and visibly happy.  Everyone has a smile. We joke. We laugh. We support each other's ideas and no one has a problem saying, "Good job!" or "Thank you for helping!"  The positivity seeps into our work, which leaks out to the public, so our donors and volunteers are also happy, engaged, satisfied, and feel highly valued and appreciated.  Sometimes it is frustrating to work for a nonprofit- the work hours are longer, the demands more, and the pay less than for-profit work (I would be pulling in probably three times what I am now doing all of these jobs for a for-profit), so it takes an extraordinary team and great management to keep such a positive work environment and such good morale. I am just insanely blessed to have found this opportunity, and I do not think it was by accident.  This is where I am supposed to be, where I am supposed to set down roots in my career, and where my talents are used, challenged, and appreciated.  There is sufficient room to improve the organization and also grow my personal skills...it is the ideal work situation, from any standpoint- nonprofit or not.

The financial aspect is also a blessing. It won't make me rich, but it beats working minimum wage at Starbucks. It has allowed our family to get on an even keel, breathe easy, pay all of our bills in full, and even have room left for allowances for each child and sometimes the occasional movie or bowling night.  It allows me to sleep at night knowing our financial obligations are met, and has given me to security to begin planning for purchasing a house (or having one built, which is a more economical move in our area)- things I never could have considered a year ago.

The kids are ramping up for the fall. Football and cheer practice began on Thursday, and somehow I became Team Mom for Callie's cheerleading squad (not complaining...I'm excited!). We've bought backpacks and squeaky new shoes, packages of pencils, paper, folders, markers, crayons, and what seems like a metric ton of glue sticks.  They are happy, comfortable, and have adjusted well to life in SC.

Finally, after evolving into what seems like a completely new person and going through what seemed like an insurmountable amount of stress and heartache in the past seven years, I have found a great companion.  Chris is caring, considerate, also works in nonprofit and shares the same passion I do for our work, and brings a deep calm and patience that is priceless in a blended relationship (with kids).

So it seems like finally...finally...our life is back on even keel and we have passed the storm.  If you're reading this, you're probably close enough to be on my list of people to thank....so thank you. I couldn't have pulled our family through this past year without the support and love of my friends and chosen family.  It's onward and upward for us, so I'll be sharing more of our stories....stay tuned!

Another day...

Another day, stretched out before me like a dusty desert highway. I hear my breath, slowly in and out, in the empty room with the incessant “tick….tock…” of the cheap clock on the wall of my office, almost matching the thumping in my head but not quite- just off enough to be maddening. I turn on a streaming radio station, but the tinny pop music coming out of the speakers immediately conjures mental reels of my kids singing these songs, dancing awkwardly in the living room, all elbows and knees, so I turn it off. Struggling to focus on work when I’ve got thoughts crash-banging in my head like a mosh pit. My kids, my family, my future, my heart, my feelings, all smashed together and running amuck in my mind.

Sitting cross-legged at my desk, all the lights in the building off save for the tiny Ikea flexi-light bent crookedly across a pile of paperwork; I am mildly annoyed at the landscaping crew, cutting swaths through our yard and drilling their tiny gas-powered motor sounds into all of our hung-over heads. Last night was unpleasant, but only mildly so. I couldn’t stand the crowd of hipsters in what’s normally a calm, quiet bar. There were flashes everywhere of photos, indubitably being posted to Instagram before the flash could be blinked out of the eye.  American flags worn on headbands, T-shirts, shoes, socks…it nearly nauseated me.  We were surrounded by different establishments setting off amateur fireworks before the big show over the city, and during the explosions, all I could think of was people like Will and how probably less than a handful of people in that whole bar would even give a shit about a veteran killing himself. It made me intensely sad, sad for Will’s family and friends and daughter, and sad for these idiots surrounding me and the naivety with which they float through life. But then, I was that idiot years ago, so they must all find their way through their journeys and find their own sorrows and pains to develop as people.

I saw a guy at the bar who I had talked with on an online dating site. I ended up cancelling a scheduled date with him to go on my first date with Chris.  It’s so weird how the universe does that.  Sure, I knew the guy lived in Charlotte but I didn’t know I would ever actually see him- that’s kind of the beauty of online dating; the borderline anonymity of it all. The fact that you don’t have to have awkward water cooler run-ins with a guy you dated at the office or scheduling your laundry at weird hours so you don’t run into the guy you dated in your apartment complex.  There’s a very good chance that when you meet someone online and you’re not interested, you will never, ever run into that person in real life. Unless, of course, you’re at a packed bar on July 4^th with your boyfriend, with whom you’ve been bickering for days, and you’re generally kind of unhappy, and then yes, yes of course you’ll run into random guy from internet dating site. Of course.

The sun is beginning to come out now. It’s been raining for days, and I know that has something to do with my mood, along with missing the kids so bad it feels almost like that feeling you get when running (my mom called it a “stitch in your side”)…where it hurts to breathe in and out. My life is a like a deflated balloon, an empty ballroom, without them. They not only bring me happiness, they give me a purpose. I have no cooking, laundry, refereeing, bad-dream-shooing, skinned-knee-kissing, and so I am lost.

Today I’ll work…I’ll finish up some scheduled stuff and then make up a project to occupy the rest of my day. And I’ll go have a beer after work. And I’ll make the 40 minute drive home to take my dogs for a walk around the neighborhood…wave to the rednecks in building 10 that I always see at the pool, wave to Grayson’s friend William and his mom, wave to the maintenance guy on his golf cart, wave to the lady on the first floor with the fat Chihuahua, and then I’ll go inside, lock my door behind me, piddle around the house, adjusting this throw pillow or that picture frame, until I lay down, flanked by my two small dogs that don’t have the heat, substance, and softness of children, and stare at the ceiling and count sheep…or dandelions…or just numbers…until I finally fall asleep and wait for another day of it.

Is your home a democracy or tyranny?

After a rough patch of what I can only call "spring fever", with the kids being unusually disobedient and combative with one another, we sat down for a family meeting to sort it all out.

Now, I am aware that the season did have something to do with it. With my work schedule being increasingly erratic, then factor in baseball games making for late nights and thus less sleep and many more activities at school where sweets are served, the kids are all over the place. Sleep deprived, wired on sugar, and getting home at odd hours after school with no regular schedule, the kids naturally were out of sorts. They were fighting amongst themselves and becoming increasingly disrespectful to me.

So I went and got a piece of blank white posterboard and called a family meeting to discuss a simple but clear rule chart with equally simple but clear consequences. All voices were heard. The kids and I together came up with rules that are important to us, that benefit all equally, and are easy for even the youngest to follow (5 years old).

They are astonishingly simple. Show respect. Do your chores. No means no. And the consequences are simple and easy...first step: warning, second step: time-out on your bed for 20 minutes, third step: removal of privileges (taking away video game or trip to the pool/playground for the immediate time frame), fourth step: "grounding" for one week (extended removal of said privileges, no playdates or friend time).  We haven't made it past step two.

I've found that good parenting is being able to be constantly in flux. As kids grow and mature, their needs, wants, and responsibilities change. My eight year old wants desperately to know his voice is being heard while my five year old just needs to clearly know his boundaries so he can play blissfully within them without worrying about being in trouble.  Of course, all children are different with unique personalities, and my daughter needs a stricter hand than either of the boys. But to know any of this about your children, you must listen.

I grew up during the twilight of the "children shall be seen and not heard" days.  I was, and always have been, fiercely independent and outspoken, and I never felt my voice was heard or respected in the home. This is not the same as allowing your child to dictate your rules or run your home.  But children are human beings, not pets or houseplants, and for them to be happy, secure, and healthy, they must feel that they are not only loved but valued as a contributing member of the family. Whether or not you ultimately go in the direction they wish, it's important for them to feel that you listened and for you to explain why you're making a different decision. If they understand, for instance, that bedtime is at 9 pm because being sleep-deprived leads to poorer grades, bad behavior the next day (resulting in punishment!), and, after long periods of sleep deprivation, even sickness, they'll be more likely to head to bed when asked.

I use the example of an adult going to a new job. If you show up and your boss leads you to your new office and then simply leaves you there with no instruction, how would you feel if he then returned in two weeks to yell at you for not doing a proper job? You'd be angry! Raising children is the exact same thing. They expect, need, crave, and desperately want guidance and instruction. Children thrive in a structured environment where boundaries are clearly marked.

Parenting has been the biggest learning evolution of my life, but I think when someone approaches it as such, as a learning process where we (the parents) have just as much to learn as the children, then success is imminent. Kids are people, too, and one day, they're the people who'll come home for holidays, call you from college and beyond, and one day, far in the future, will raise their own kids. Think about the example you're setting. Are you teaching your kids to hit their children, tell them to "sit down and shut up", and guide by fear and repression, or will your kids be kind and gentle with your grandchildren? A parent's behavior has ramifications that reach potentially generations into the future.  Create traditions, not bad memories. A few things I've learned over the years:


Take time to listen. Yesterday, John had a meltdown after getting almost through one entire level of a video game and losing at the last scene. He lost all of that work and will have to start over. Yes, it's trivial, but imagine you spent an hour writing an essay or working and your computer blanked out, losing all of your work. It's happened to all of us....isn't it the most frustrating thing ever?! So while he sobbed, I just held him and ultimately laid down with him on his bed, and he ended up drifting off into a nap snuggled under my chin doing those hiccup things kids do after a hard cry (I know, I was melting too). The rest of the day, he was a perfect angel and came to sit in my lap while we watched a movie last night. Create lasting bonds with your children and build trust by just being there for them!

Learn when to admit you're wrong. It happens to all of us...we're tired, cranky, or just don't understand, so we make a snap decision. I've done this...said no to something because I was too tired to deal with it or because I didn't fully ask questions. Imagine you're at work and you want to attend a one-day conference...it's very low cost (something you know is in your budget), it's pretty fun, it's a real learning opportunity to your job, so you gather all the materials and take it to your boss. Your boss is clearly distracted and busy and immediately says "No," without even looking at your materials. You'd be angry, frustrated, and rightfully so! So this happened to me a couple of years ago when Grayson asked to get on a website and I immediately said no. It wasn't until I saw a commercial for the same site and became interested that Grayson pointed out it was the same site he told me about...about three months prior. A completely free, open-source educational site for PreK through 6th grade....a wonderful resource that we've used a lot since. I apologized for not listening to him and we enrolled on the site.

Learn that rules can and will change. The basics will never change. Respect and responsibility will always be cornerstones in our home. But some things, like bedtimes, chores, allowances, and later on, curfews, will always be in flux. It takes teamwork...you, your partner, and your kids... to determine the appropriate rules for their ages, personalities, and stages of development.


Conflict is OK. I think my family had a hard time with this growing up, because any conflict was seen as negative and was immediately squashed, but it led to me having a hard time learning to appropriately deal with conflict as an adult.  Your children are going to grow up and have disagreements with friends, future roommates, coworkers, partners, teammates, and they need to learn appropriate skills for dealing with those disagreements. Whenever I hear my kids arguing, I stop myself from barging in and I listen outside the door for a bit. Sometimes they resolve the problem themselves!  And sometimes I hear a toy hurtling into a wall and realize direct intervention is needed and I step in. But I feel very strongly that being a "helicopter parent", hovering just out of reach so you can step in and solve every single problem for your children, is doing them a great disservice, as they will never learn to deal with conflict on their own! Talk to them about appropriate conflict resolution and then allow them to utilize the tools with their siblings and classmates before they're getting into brawls with roommates and friends over a poorly managed disagreement.

Everyone is different. My oldest son, Grayson, is a very good child as far as listening, obeying, and observing boundaries and he likes having a specific set of rules (although he does have a bit of a naturally "legal" mind in finding loopholes in those rules). However, with his little brother and sister, he is authoritative, bossy, demanding, and pushy. He needs to be reminded to scale it back and not be so bossy.  Callie is independent, creative, social, and chatty...she needs constant reminding of the rules and expectations and a very swift and immediate punishment for infractions or she will go way out of bounds. Her artistic, creative brain sometimes doesn't recognize the need for structure and so I maintain a constant stream of communication with her on why we're doing what we're doing, what time it is, where we're going, why we're going there, for this provides her with the reassurance she likes to feel comfortable and to behave. John is eager to please and responds better to positive stimuli than threat of negative punishment. He will go above and beyond for hugs and kisses while skirting the boundaries if only trying to avoid punishment (it took his preschool teachers a while to figure this out). He loves validation and rewards. All kids are different, so in multiple-child households, keep the rules list short and simple...generic "golden rule" type rules work very well.

Love conquers all. Even if your kids are frustrated with the rules or with a punishment, let them know they're loved. I tell my kids, "If I didn't love you, I wouldn't care about providing you with rules and structure...I'd let you run wild." Express clearly to your kids that parents who love and care about their kids will prepare them for being successful adults, and successful adults have to live within a structure of rules their whole lives. From federal and state laws to workplace rules to tax code to unspoken social expectations, people always have to live within some system of rules and there are consequences for all of our actions. Approach discipline from a place of love, discipline with love, and discuss with love, and your kids will feel loved. Don't discipline from anger or make rules from frustration.

I know I make lists like these from time to time, and I freely admit I'm not perfect and that being a parent has been, and continues to be, a learning process for me. Sometimes I see other parents and I just feel so bad for their children. I took the kids to a nearby lake this past Saturday, and while they were swimming, a nearby mother was berating her son, telling him repeatedly to "shut up", calling him names, etc. I was horrified and very sad for that child, who looked like a show dog trying to jump through every hoop for a tiny bit of approval. He said "yes ma'am", was incredibly respectful to me and my kids, very friendly but polite and reserved, yet he was treated like crap. No child deserves that, even one who is misbehaving, but I was mystified why she would treat an obviously well-behaved child this way. Everyone's methods of discipline are going to be different, but respect is universal, and parents should respect their children as much as kids should respect parents. If you nail the basics of respect and love, you'll be raising kids who reflect those principles out into the world.

~m